Digital Only: Young Adults
How Can I Experience the Joy of the Gospel with Mental Illness?
I have struggled with my mental health all my life, but a change in perspective showed me just how much I have grown through the struggle.
My life hasn’t always been easy. I started experiencing symptoms of social anxiety and depression as a teen and was diagnosed with ADHD in high school. When I was about 15 months into serving my full-time mission, I started experiencing suicidal thoughts. Soon after, I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder.
I found myself facing a difficult decision. My mission president and I talked about me going home where I could get the help I needed. But I couldn’t help but feel frustrated with the Lord. I felt like my desire to stay and continue serving the people I had come to love was a righteous desire.
Eventually, I learned that there were people the Lord needed me to meet at home and that there were opportunities for my broken heart to be healed. And I’ve come to know that my missionary service was accepted by Him.
Despite that reassurance, I’ve still wondered why I’ve had to struggle so much. The scriptures teach that “men are, that they might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25), and the “work” and “glory” of the Lord are to “bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). So everything that the Lord does is so that we can all get back to Him and ultimately be happy, right?
What about me? Why do I experience mental illnesses that get in the way of my ability to choose happiness? Why would the Lord let me go through so much heartache? Did I do something wrong to deserve my illness? A few perspectives have helped me find some insight.
Coming to Know the Savior
I often think about the story of Christ healing the blind man and being asked who sinned to cause his infirmity. Jesus’s inspired answer is so meaningful to me: “Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him” (John 9:3). Christ then miraculously heals the man, teaching a lesson that increases faith, trust, and understanding in His power and plan.
The works of God were made manifest in this man, and I know that they can be made manifest in me too. I have seen His works made manifest in the compassion I’ve gained through my trials and the compassion that I try to show to those around me. I have seen His works made manifest in the way I’ve come to know my Savior and learn that He knows me because He suffered for me in Gethsemane and on the cross.
Experiencing Joy That’s Even Sweeter
A couple of months ago, my mom felt impressed by the Spirit to tell me that she’d been thinking about the trials I’d been experiencing. She asked me, “What if these things aren’t happening to you but for you?” She bore testimony that because of the pain I had experienced, I would have a deeper capacity to experience joy.
This is a principle that Adam and Eve understood. In the Garden of Eden, they were “in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery” (2 Nephi 2:23). When I experience joy, it is even sweeter because I know what misery feels like.
Lehi taught Jacob, who was born in the wilderness and had never seen the easier life in Jerusalem, that the Lord “shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain” (2 Nephi 2:2). In the end, I am grateful for my struggles with mental illness. I know that as we let our afflictions bring us closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and purify us, we will become more like Them.
This knowledge doesn’t make my struggles much easier, but it does give me an eternal perspective. On difficult days, I find hope in thinking of the covenants I have made with Heavenly Father. I know that He keeps His promises as I keep mine. I still need temporal blessings like therapy, medication, and habits that keep my mind healthy, but combining those with spiritual tools like scripture study, prayer, and temple worship makes the biggest difference in my mental health.
And on days when I do experience joy despite my struggles, I’m reminded of the miracles Jesus Christ and His Atonement can bring into my life.