Especially for Newlyweds
How I’m Navigating a Difficult Relationship with an In-Law
When my relationship with one of my husband’s sisters was causing me a lot of pain, I turned to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
I wiped away the tears that were pooling in my eyes. Just when I’d thought things were going well, another wave of contention had hit.
“I just don’t know what else I can do,” I told my husband. “I try so hard to be kind and understanding. I pray for help. But nothing seems to get better.”
When I married my husband, I was so excited to start our new life together. I knew there was a lot of joy—and challenges—to come. But I believed that if we kept our covenants, trials would help us grow closer together and to Christ.
What I didn’t anticipate was the difficulty of navigating new in-law relationships, particularly my relationship with one of my husband’s sisters.
I’ve had to learn, through trial and error, how to be Christlike toward someone who is not always kind to me.
New Conflicts
I have known my husband’s family for a long time, and while my husband sometimes talked about this particular sister’s strong emotions, we had always gotten along just fine. We were friends!
But after marriage, this sister often stirred up contention through insensitive comments, misunderstandings, and negative feelings.
I always had good relationships with my siblings, so this new flurry of drama was a lot for my soul to handle. I wasn’t the best at facing confrontation because my family navigated their feelings differently than my husband’s family. So I was distraught with anxiety. I always felt like I had to tiptoe around her feelings.
My husband was also heartbroken about how I felt. He would support me, but we were both unsure of how to move forward at times. I would pray for help about this relationship often, but just as things would get better, they would escalate again shortly after.
I started feeling a bone-deep sadness in my heart and a lot of resentment toward this sister-in-law. I also felt guilty for my anger. I wanted to love her as the Savior would, especially now that she was part of my family, but sometimes it was so difficult.
Receiving an Unexpected Answer
Going back to the moment I was crying to my husband after another emotionally draining week of contention, I did what I always do when I need peace and spiritual guidance—I went to the temple. As I sat in the celestial room, I asked Heavenly Father for help with this conflict. The spirit of the temple helped my negative feelings drift away, and I left the room feeling much better. But I still didn’t have an exact answer.
Before I left the temple, I stopped at the prayer roll and began submitting names of loved ones who could use some extra prayers and blessings. But I was surprised when I had the thought to write down this specific sister-in-law’s name.
“Seriously?” I thought. “After all the pain she’s been causing me?”
But as I pondered, I felt my perspective shift. I realized how often I said unkind things and complained about her and focused on justifying my own feelings. I realized just how much negativity I was holding on to in this conflict.
A few months before, President Russell M. Nelson had extended a profound invitation: “I invite you to seek an end to a personal conflict that has weighed you down. Could there be a more fitting act of gratitude to Jesus Christ for His Atonement? If forgiveness presently seems impossible, plead for power through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ to help you. As you do so, I promise personal peace and a burst of spiritual momentum.”1
When I heard his message, I was enthralled by the power of his words, but I also felt a cruel irony that so much conflict with this sister-in-law had recently entered my life.
But the truth of his words became surreal to me in that moment when I held a small slip of paper in my hand in the temple. I realized that this sister-in-law had her own struggles, feelings, and unhealed parts of her that I couldn’t fix or control.
But I could choose to love her. I felt the truth that Heavenly Father loves her as much as He loves every single one of His children.
Ultimately, as I wrote her name down on the slip of paper and placed it in the prayer roll box, I realized that if I had the desire to end this conflict, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ could help me do so. I felt that if I kept seeking their help, praying for my sister-in-law, striving to show her compassion, and working on healing, growing, and learning through the Savior, the resentment I felt would diminish over time.
The Savior Can Help Us Forgive
I am starting to understand that as we seek the Savior’s power, the healing doesn’t happen instantaneously like we sometimes hope for. Instead, it’s a refining process that takes effort on our part, even if all we can muster is an inkling of desire. But I know that as we prioritize our time with Him and Heavenly Father, They can help us invite miracles into our lives. President Nelson also taught, “When the Savior atoned for all mankind, He opened a way that those who follow Him can have access to His healing, strengthening, and redeeming power.”2
If you are struggling with your relationship with your in-laws (or with anybody, really!), please don’t give up hope. Instead of trying to control others or wishing for them to change, look within yourself. One of the greatest gifts the Savior offers us is the power to change our own hearts, which can empower us to move mountains in our lives—especially when it comes to healing relationships with loved ones.
I am striving more and more to see others as Christ does, to establish healthy and respectful boundaries, to look within myself at what I can improve on instead of pointing fingers at others, and to share Christlike love. That has made all the difference.