Especially for Newlyweds
What Conference Taught Me about Love and Marriage
After watching general conference, I gained a whole new understanding of what love really is.
Photograph from Unsplash
My wedding day was perfect. The temple sealing was beautiful, it didn’t rain during our reception despite the weather report, and my husband and I were excited to start our life together.
And then I realized that as wonderful as marriage is, it also comes with some challenges. My husband and I just realized that while we are similar in a lot of ways, we also have our differences. And figuring out how to handle those differences has been a challenge.
About two months into our marriage, general conference rolled around. As I watched, I eagerly hoped for a magical solution that would instantly and effortlessly resolve the challenges I was experiencing in my marriage. But I didn’t get a magical solution. Instead, here’s what I learned about love and marriage from Elder Ulisses Soares of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles—and from the Spirit:
Love Is Participation
Elder Soares quoted, “‘Love is not possession, but participation’1 … ‘With true participation, husband and wife merge into the synergistic oneness of an “everlasting dominion.”’”2 When I heard these words, I realized I wasn’t fully participating in my marriage.
Here’s the thing: I hate conflict. So whenever disagreements come up—and they inevitably do—I tend to run away, believing that retreating is better than disagreeing. But I didn’t realize that when I flee from difficult conversations, I often build a barrier to good communication with my husband.
And while I’m not being possessive in the typical sense, I am possessive of my thoughts and opinions. I have a habit of keeping my thoughts to myself, but in marriage, that doesn’t work. Both partners must be fully present and engaged. The only way to peacefully resolve our differences is for us to both participate fully, to listen to and share our thoughts with each other.
Love Is Interdependence
I enjoyed being single. I really did. I was involved in my young single adult ward, I was finishing my bachelor’s degree, and I was excited to pursue a career. I loved the feeling of becoming independent.
Since getting married, I’ve had to let go of some of my independence, and so has my husband. That has been difficult at times. But as Elder Soares pointed out, Adam and Eve “became one flesh [see Genesis 2:23–24], creating a dimension of unity that allowed them to walk together with respect, gratitude, and love, forgetting about themselves and seeking each other’s well-being on their journey to eternity.”3 They depended on each other physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
I’m learning that interdependence is far better than independence. Sure, I could probably accomplish a lot of great things on my own. But as I shift my focus to include my husband—not just myself—and he does the same for me, we will reach greater heights than either of us could achieve on our own.
Love Is Partnership
Starting with the moment a husband and wife are sealed, they move forward “in full partnership with the Lord, especially in regard to each of their divinely appointed responsibilities of nurturing and presiding in their family.”4 All three of us—me, my husband, and the Lord—work together to fulfill these responsibilities.
My husband and I have different roles to play in our family, but our responsibilities of presiding and nurturing “are interrelated and overlapping.”5 My husband knows his divine responsibility is to preside, provide, and protect, but he also knows he can support me in the responsibility to “nourish, teach, and support”6 our family. Similarly, I know I can help him in his responsibilities. Being united in this way is how we can “‘help one another as equal partners’ [“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” ChurchofJesusChrist.org] and share a balanced leadership in [our] home.”7
Love Is Worth It
As with anything in life, marriage has its challenges, but it is also wonderful and joyful in so many ways. I know that as my husband and I put in the effort, our “hearts will be ‘knit together in unity and in love one towards another’ [Mosiah 18:21], we will find more joy in our journey to eternal life, and our capacity to serve one another and with one another will multiply significantly.”8
I didn’t get the easy solution I was hoping for from general conference, but I got something better. I gained a greater understanding of what love is, and I feel peace knowing that we can do this. It will take time and effort, but I know it will be worth it.