Digital Only: Young Adults
Our Commandment to Forgive Is Not a Guilt Trip
My father taught me about the meaning of forgiveness when he was mistreated by a friend.
A couple of years ago, my dad found out that one of his employees had embezzled a lot of money from him. This man had also been his close friend, and it crushed my dad that his friend would do something so horrible.
When confronted about the situation, my dad’s employee got extremely angry and defensive. My dad didn’t want to go to the authorities because the embezzlement could put the man in prison, so he decided to go through a legal mediator. The employee refused to repay the money he had stolen.
The mediator finally asked my dad, “Why are you doing all this? He’s being difficult and unreceptive. If you just turned in all the evidence to the authorities, it would all be over and done with. Why are you putting yourself through so much hassle for someone who won’t even apologize to you?”
And my dad answered, “Because I don’t want to ruin his life.”
Seeing Forgiveness Differently
After everything was settled, my dad never complained about it. I complained about it a lot, and I wasn’t even involved directly.
It bothered me so much that someone could be so cruel and not even apologize.
For a long time I struggled with forgiveness. Through my own negative experiences, I had often been given counsel that made me feel as though I was being villainized if I didn’t forgive. I often heard phrases like, “If you don’t forgive, then you’re a hypocrite.”
And as someone who has been hurt by others many times, it really hurt me spiritually to hear messages like that—that I would be just as terrible of a person if I was genuinely struggling to forgive. Sometimes I even felt that people excused or dismissed my perpetrators because they may have been facing challenges that caused them to act cruelly.
This mindset made me feel confused and alone. Was it OK for people to be unkind?
When I asked my dad why he didn’t seem so angry about the whole situation, he told me, “He already stole so much from me, so why would I let him steal my happiness too?”
After this conversation, it was as if a light had come on. I saw forgiveness differently.
The Why of Forgiveness
While serving as a member of the Seventy, Elder Larry J. Echo Hawk taught: “I am not suggesting that we condone unlawful conduct. We know full well that individuals are to be held accountable for their criminal acts and civil wrongdoings. However, we also know that, as sons and daughters of God, we follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. We are to be forgiving even when it seems others may not warrant our forgiveness.”1
We don’t forgive because a perpetrator deserves our forgiveness. We also don’t forgive because what the perpetrator did was OK, because wrong is wrong.
We forgive because Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have asked us to do so (see Doctrine and Covenants 64:10) and because forgiving others draws us closer to Them. We forgive to become more like Them.
When we are hung up on the burden of others’ wrongdoings, even if we are in the right, resentment and anger can blind and distract us from who we should really be focusing on—the Savior.
When we don’t forgive, we hurt ourselves. And rather than finding the healing we seek, we extend the pain we feel.
As Elder Gerrit W. Gong taught, “When trust is betrayed, dreams shattered, hearts broken and broken again, when we want justice and need mercy, when our fists clench and our tears flow, when we need to know what to hold onto and what to let go of, we can always remember Him.”2
The Savior wants us to forgive because He wants us to heal, because those who have become victims of heinous crimes (or even small ones) deserve to feel the freedom of moving on and healing from what happened to them.
Through forgiveness, my dad could find the peace and happiness in Christ that he deserved as a victim.
As the Savior taught: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (see John 14:27).
Moving Forward with Christ
Sometimes it can be so scary to let go of our hurtful experiences, but Christ can give us the strength to feel the healing and peaceful rest that comes from moving forward in forgiveness. Realizing that Christ is with me rather than guilting me to forgive has made doing so much easier.
I am grateful that Heavenly Father doesn’t just love us but is also gracious and patient with us when we have been treated unjustly by others. We can also follow the Savior’s merciful example by not villainizing victims by accusing or threatening them with the idea of hypocrisy. Instead, we can offer compassion and understanding as they work with the Savior to find the healing they need.
President Russell M. Nelson recently gave us this great invitation: “You have your agency to choose contention or reconciliation. I urge you to choose to be a peacemaker, now and always [see Moroni 7:3–4].”3
I’m grateful for my father’s example. The lesson I learned about God’s true character has allowed me to continue forward in my life even when I face injustices or unkindness from other people. Knowing that God will always guide me when forgiveness is hard has allowed me to grow closer to Him.