Especially for Newlyweds
4 Strategies for Navigating Conflict with Your In-Laws
When an in-law’s comments hurt me, I had to learn how to handle conflict.
Early on in our marriage, my husband and I made some difficult career decisions that didn’t make sense to a lot of people. Many of our loved ones had questions, but most of them accepted that we had thought through our decisions and were doing what was best for us.
My sister-in-law, on the other hand, was very vocal about her disapproval. She said some things that hurt me deeply. Her comments weren’t just directed at our decisions; they were directed at us—and especially at me.
As I’ve navigated this relationship, I’ve learned four important things about handling conflict with in-laws:
Cleave unto Your Spouse
The scriptures tell us that we should “cleave unto” our husband or wife (Doctrine and Covenants 42:22). As President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) explained: “Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. … You live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave … means to adhere closely, to stick together.”1
I realized that I’d been so bothered by my sister-in-law’s comments because I’d secretly wondered if she was right. What if we were making a bad decision?
My husband, on the other hand, was unfailingly supportive. He defended me. He reassured me that we had made this decision together—as a team. We had counseled with the Lord and felt our decision confirmed by the Spirit.
The more I felt secure in my relationship with my husband, the less I was bothered by my in-law’s comments.
Address Your Feelings—Civilly
For a long time, I would sit and squirm as this family member directed hurtful comments at me, but I wouldn’t do or say anything in response. I didn’t want to cause contention in my husband’s family, so I didn’t address the issue.
But as soon as I was alone with my husband, I would start ranting, pointing out all the ways she was overstepping boundaries and giving unsolicited advice. Even little things she did that weren’t related to this issue began to annoy me, and I criticized every interaction I had with her.
After months of feeling these awful emotions, I began to understand what Elder Neil L. Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles meant when he said that “peacemakers are not passive; they are persuasive in the Savior’s way.”2
My passivity was causing a lot of resentment and preventing me from being a true peacemaker.
The next time my sister-in-law said something that upset us, my husband and I made a plan. We wanted to be more honest and kind. As President Russell M. Nelson once asked, “Cannot boundary lines exist without becoming battle lines?”3
We decided my husband would find a private moment—when he wouldn’t be embarrassing her in front of other people—to take his sister aside and let her know that her words were causing a rift in our relationship with her. He expressed our desire to be close to her and gently but directly let her know how her words were making that difficult.
Don’t Let the Bad Cancel Out the Good
During the climax of this conflict with my sister-in-law, I had a tendency to overlook anything good or positive about her and focus on what she was doing wrong.
Sure, she sent me thoughtful texts and always remembered my birthday, but that couldn’t make up for a recent outburst where she’d spoken without thinking, right?
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, then the Second Counselor in the First Presidency, once posed a question that illustrated the error of my thinking:
“Have you ever noticed that people can usually find whatever they are looking for? Look hard enough, and you can discover both good and bad in almost anyone and anything.”4
I learned about the importance of using “and” instead of “but” when it came to my sister-in-law. Rather than referring to her as “generous but sometimes thoughtless,” which made it sound like her vices canceled out her virtues, I tried to think of her as “generous and sometimes thoughtless.” She could be selfless and occasionally too impulsive with her words, imperfect and still trying to improve.
Pray for Charity
Maybe the most important thing we can do to resolve contention is to pray for the gift of charity. I can’t say it any better than President Nelson did when he taught:
“Charity is the antidote to contention. … Charity is the principal characteristic of a true follower of Jesus Christ. Charity defines a peacemaker.
“When we humble ourselves before God and pray with all the energy of our hearts, God will grant us charity [see Moroni 7:48].”5
I can’t say that my relationship with my sister-in-law is perfect, but I can say that it has improved, and I know that that has come through learning more about the love of Jesus Christ.
I know that if you turn to Him and earnestly strive to “end conflicts that are raging in your heart, your home, and your life,”6 He will lend you His perfect love.