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Did Heavenly Father Even Care about My Mental Health Struggles?
The author is from Tallinn, Estonia.
When Heavenly Father didn’t take away my mental health struggles, I wondered if I would ever find peace.
I come from a nonreligious family. We never went to church or talked about God. But growing up, there were times when I felt like there was a greater purpose for life. When I would go by the sea or spend time in nature, I could feel a certain peace, and that was the closest thing I had to feeling the Holy Ghost.
I wanted more of this peace.
Throughout my life, I have really struggled with my mental health. For a time, I tried to fix how I was feeling by drinking alcohol and going to parties, but I was left feeling completely empty. When numbing my pain didn’t work, I wondered if a sense of spirituality would help me, so I started trying to learn about God. But it wasn’t until I met the missionaries and learned about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I was able to truly know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
I changed a lot of my life to align with the gospel and was baptized. And although I was trying to trust Heavenly Father, eventually I lost my friends, and my family did not support my new lifestyle.
Starting to See Heavenly Father’s Guiding Hand
After serving a mission, I felt prompted to move to the USA. I got accepted to Brigham Young University and thought things would be easy because I would be surrounded by others who had the same values as me.
I didn’t realize how difficult this transition would be.
Although I met incredible friends who guided me while I was at school, I still felt a lot of culture shock. I gave up everything to join the Church, so when I saw others living differently than I was, I felt deeply upset, and this contributed to my mental health challenges.
I decided to follow what President Jeffrey R. Holland, Acting President the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, counseled: “If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders.”
I met with a therapist to get help with my depression, and I was also diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). But even with the help of therapy and trying to do everything I could to follow Jesus Christ, I was still struggling.
During one of my therapy sessions, I explained my frustration that God wasn’t just taking away my mental struggles. I told my therapist that it felt like He didn’t even care about what I was experiencing every day. And she asked me, “Why don’t you pray and ask who Heavenly Father really is and what He wants for you?”
I followed her advice. When I prayed, asking Heavenly Father this question, I didn’t get an answer immediately. I was struggling to feel the Spirit at all at the time because of my depression.
But I didn’t give up. I was determined to keep doing the small and simple things: praying, reading my scriptures, asking for priesthood blessings, and holding on to my faith in Jesus Christ. I continued attending therapy and taking medication. I also asked Heavenly Father to help me know if I was doing the right things to heal.
Slowly, I realized I had been looking for a huge spiritual experience to tell me that Heavenly Father was aware of me, but instead, I started noticing people around me who were helping me feel loved each day.
I started to see Heavenly Father’s hand in every step I took, always guiding me to experiences and people who could help me feel His perfect love. I knew He knew what I was experiencing and what I needed, and He was telling me I was exactly where I needed to be.
Staying Close to Jesus Christ
I may not be healed completely from my mental health struggles in this life, but I’m realizing that they are a big reason I stay close to Jesus Christ. When I am close to Him, I feel His healing power in my life. Through Him, I am learning to be grateful for my challenges and weaknesses because they help me become more like Him.
Elder Erich W. Kopischke of the Seventy has said:
“For all who are personally affected by mental illness, hold fast to your covenants, even if you might not feel God’s love at this time. …
“I testify that Jesus Christ is our Savior. He knows us. He loves us, and He will wait on us. … I have come to know just how close He is.”
Now that I understand my divine identity as a daughter of God, I can recognize Heavenly Father’s hand in my life and try to feel the Holy Ghost every day. I’m taking life one day at a time.
I know that God is watching over me because I make a consistent effort every day to stay close to Jesus Christ—and so can you.