God’s Plan and Love for Me
Ever since my youth, I have had a very strong desire to serve a mission. I wanted to have the “best two years” of my life, teaching people about the gospel and bringing souls unto Christ. I wanted to make a difference. I knew I had some medical considerations that could hinder my ability to serve but I didn’t let that get in the way. I mean, miracles happen on missions, don’t they?
When the time came to apply for a mission, I completed and submitted my forms. I was so excited. I was going to get a call from the Lord, given through the prophet, and help people. Maybe I would go to a different country and learn a new language. I was going to have an adventure.
After I submitted my papers, I was continuously checking my mobile phone for the long-awaited email, but it never came. I tried to be patient—I knew it would happen in the Lord’s time—but nothing happened. Eventually, after nine weeks of waiting, my Stake President visited my ward, and asked to see me. I guessed that it was something to do with my mission. I was right, but not in the way that I had expected. He told me that I had failed one of my medical tests, and as a consequence was advised not to serve a mission.
The news hit me like a brick. But after the meeting, a sudden overwhelming feeling of peace came over me. Heavenly Father knew that I would have struggled on my mission and that He didn’t want to put me through anything I couldn’t cope with. However, it was not easy. I now had the painstaking task of telling my friends and ward members. Even though everyone was very supportive and comforting, I still felt ashamed, particularly because most of my friends are returned missionaries. They are always talking about how much they loved their missions, and all the spiritual experiences they had. I felt so inferior. I was also attending other friends’ leaving and homecoming parties. Though I was very happy for them all, it was still painful. I tried to apply for a service mission instead but for technical reasons it didn’t work out. I was distraught. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I had let everyone down. Going to church and Institute was hard.
However, I was still able to go to the Temple and receive my own endowment. It was such an amazing experience. I felt Heavenly Father’s strong love for me, despite not serving a mission. I was overwhelmed by how many people had come to support me. I realised nobody cared that I couldn’t go on a mission; they loved me just the same. The whole experience healed my emotional wounds.
After this, I attended the Temple two or three times a week so that I could continue to feel that beautiful spirit. I even applied to serve a Temple mission. Then COVID-19 came, and all the temples around the world were shut. I had to abandon my application. It was another difficult experience but after much prayer and scripture study, I have learned that God has a different plan for me. He needs me to be where I am for the time being. Though I don’t know why, I am sure I will soon find out.
It has been twelve months since I started my mission application. Whether I will serve a mission in this life, I don’t know; but what I do know is that no matter what, Heavenly Father loves me and has a plan for me, greater than I can ever imagine. I know that one day I will look back and understand why all this has happened. But for now, I will serve Him by fulfilling my current callings, reaching out to others and sharing the Gospel with my non-member friends. That’s still missionary work, after all.