Helping Children and Youth Develop a Growth Mindset

By Jennifer Doty, PhD, Certified Family Life Educator, and Jessica Peterson, MSW, Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker

How do we help our children learn and grow and become more like Christ while being flexible enough to learn from failure along the way?

In the Children and Youth program, individuals are encouraged to seek personal revelation as they make plans to grow spiritually, socially, physically, and intellectually and become more like Jesus Christ. Parents provide a key support system for their children in those efforts.

Sometimes we get excited about reaching goals and helping our children to do the same, but when things get busy, when we or our children lose motivation, or when life doesn’t cooperate with the goal setting, we may think, Why bother making goals if we’re not going to reach them anyway?

A key skill that we can teach our children is to approach goals with a growth mindset:¹ having the perspective that we learn from effort, struggle, and even mistakes.

What if our children face roadblocks as they work toward their goals?

Roadblocks are natural (see 2 Nephi 2:11). In addition to talking with our children about the highlights of reaching goals, we can talk about the “low lights” on the journey. Sometimes when children and youth talk about success, they forget that the journey includes low times of struggling to make progress.

Recently Jessica talked with a young adult who was feeling discouraged about some setbacks and struggling with what direction to take. He was comparing himself to someone he admired. Jessica reminded him that all people have highs and lows in their journey, even those we admire. She then expressed her faith that he would get through challenges to reach his goals.

How do we help children overcome an unhealthy sense of perfectionism?

Striving for eternal progression requires a growth mindset. Too often individuals lose perspective and feel the pressure of others’ expectations and their own desire to appear like they’ve got it together. This form of perfectionism gets in the way of goal setting and ultimately progression, affecting both parents and children.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles acknowledged that when we view the commandment to be perfect (see Matthew 5:48) with an incomplete perspective, “we want to go back to bed and pull the covers over our head.” He encouraged a long-term perspective, relying on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ along the way. “Except for Jesus,” Elder Holland reminded us, “there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call ‘toxic perfectionism.’”² Heavenly Father’s plan includes the opportunity for us to learn from mistakes and overcome sin through Jesus Christ to grow and become like Him (see Alma 42:4, 13–15).

If children and youth learn to rely on Heavenly Father and the Savior in all areas of their lives, they are more likely to develop their own divinely given talents. Setting goals allows us to stretch ourselves outside of our comfort zone. This growth is part of Heavenly Father’s plan for us.

As President M. Russell Ballard, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught, “Our beloved Heavenly Father’s plan includes giving us a growing, stretching, learning, physical mortality through which we can become more like Him.”³ Seeking this growth means that we will sometimes fall short of what we wanted to accomplish or that it might take trying several approaches to succeed. We were meant to grow “line upon line” (Doctrine and Covenants 98:12). But we don’t have to make that growth alone.

Because of our Savior—who set the pattern we should follow—and His Atonement, we can receive enabling power through Him to accomplish more than we could on our own. Through grace, the “divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ,” we can “receive strength and assistance to do good works that [we] otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to [our] own means.”⁴

When children learn to rely on the Savior to help them grow in small and simple experiences in their goal setting, they develop patterns that will help them in harder experiences in life and also when they need to repent of sins. They will know how to turn to their Heavenly Father and Savior for help (see Alma 37:6–7, 36–37).

How do we help our children negotiate the process of learning and growing while being flexible enough to learn from failure along the way?

One strategy lies in a concept called scaffolding.⁵ When a building is being built, scaffolding provides a temporary structure that the builders can use to reach new heights in completing their projects. Similarly, we can help provide scaffolding for children to use in their personal development as they build new skills to achieve something beyond their current abilities. This scaffolding is part of how we can help “train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). Here are some helpful principles for scaffolding your children’s personal development:

Fresh starts (e.g., the beginning of the school year, birthdays, or the new year) are great times to set goals because we feel more motivated.
While small rewards like compliments or hugs can help our children turn their plans into good habits, big rewards like getting an expensive item for good grades undermine the intrinsic value of hard work.⁶ We want children and youth to internalize the lessons and spiritual growth they experience—how they are drawing closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and how they are developing more abilities to serve others like They do—rather than looking for outside rewards.
Breaking large goals into bite-size pieces makes them less overwhelming and more likely to be accomplished.
The Goldilocks principle is helpful—goals should not be too easy or too hard. We want our children and youth to stretch enough to grow, but not so much that they feel frustrated and give up.⁷
Children learn from example, so setting our own goals as parents and sharing the progress we are making toward them is a great way to teach goal setting.
Creating regular time to review goals as a family or in one-on-one conversations can help keep goals in focus.
Reminding each other of intrinsic worth regardless of success also provides perspective.

What if our children aren’t making and setting goals at all?

We can help children and youth think about where they want to be in the future with a tone of curiosity. For example, parents might ask, “What are you hoping to accomplish this year in school?” and then help them take simple steps toward their long-term goals. President Ballard taught: “Over the years, I have observed that those who accomplish the most in this world are those with a vision for their lives, with goals to keep them focused on their vision and tactical plans for how to achieve them. Knowing where you are going and how you expect to get there can bring meaning, purpose, and accomplishment to life.”⁸

Another strategy is to help them discover the unique interests and gifts Heavenly Father has given them (see 1 Corinthians 12:4–31; Moroni 10:8–18; Doctrine and Covenants 46:8–26). Some might get excited about horses; others are into soccer, music, theater, or the environment. Some children or youth might be energized thinking about someone they admire in the ward, in your family, or in a profession they want to go into.

Talking to them about steps you took to achieve success and how you worked through disappointments can be helpful. By supporting their interests, we have an opportunity to teach goal setting and help them understand that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are interested in helping them develop in all areas of their lives.