Learning That Self-Loathing Isn’t the Savior’s Tool

By Valerie Hart Doll

It took me a while to learn that God didn’t want me to hate myself for my mistakes.

I’ve spent a lot of time berating myself. Turns out, being hard on myself doesn’t actually make me better.

I married young, and while my marriage has always been a healthy and a happy one, it made me face my weaker traits. On top of that, my husband and I decided to have children right away, and my first pregnancy was the most harrowing experience I’d ever had. I faced physical challenges I never imagined. My mood was unstable, and depression became a very real and very new struggle.

I tried to be a good wife, good mother, and good student, but I never quite measured up to my own standards. In time, scolding myself became my first reaction.

I understood that the two great commandments say to “love the Lord thy God” and to “love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37, 39; emphasis added), which implies that we should love ourselves. But I felt unworthy of love.

I thought, “If I sin and love myself anyway, isn’t that giving myself permission to keep doing wrong? After all, we’re supposed to offer up a broken heart and a contrite spirit, so aren’t we supposed to be miserable until we’re better?”

At the time I would have answered “yes,” but the truth is a resounding “no.”

Elder S. Gifford Nielsen of the Seventy taught: “Our Heavenly Father wants us to love ourselves … to see ourselves as He sees us: we are His cherished children. When this truth sinks deep into our hearts, our love for God grows.”¹ And when my love for God grows, I become better. When I love God, I recognize my Savior’s gift that makes it possible for me to be forgiven of my sins and to overcome my shortcomings. When I love God, it’s easier to love myself.

Berating others doesn’t help them progress; it only discourages them. Along with correction, they also need encouragement. So why was I any different? How could I offer myself the same compassion?

Finding Support

When I confided in my husband about this struggle, I felt pathetic. I was more comfortable continuing my habit of negative self-talk, so I had to be brave and vulnerable to admit my weaknesses out loud. But articulating my problem to another person helped me find more clarity and solutions.

I’ve educated myself with uplifting resources to understand my thought patterns and how to improve. I’ve also learned that regular exercise makes a huge difference. In the past I exercised because I hated my body and wanted to change it. Now I exercise because I love to feel good and have more energy.

My changes were more effective because I acknowledged the Savior was supporting me rather than condemning me. Before, my scripture study, prayer, and temple attendance had been full of shame and had limited my spiritual growth. Now my prayers are more genuine and honest because I’m not hiding myself from the Lord.

Choosing Which Voice to Follow

I also had to decide what mattered and who to listen to. Our world, our neighborhoods, and our social media platforms have so many expectations on how to act, look, parent, talk, and so on. It is simply impossible to achieve universal approval.

But you know who else faced disapproval? Jesus Christ. He was kind, compassionate, and perfect, but He didn’t win any popularity contests. In fact, choosing to show His love for certain people often cost Him the respect of others. I have had to accept that I cannot please everyone and should instead strive to please God.

Being Intentional with My Thoughts

The goal with self-love is never to justify omission, rationalize sin, or slip into complacency. I recognize that certain negative feelings can help me, such as godly sorrow—but I shouldn’t wallow in it, because that’s not progression.

Elder Neil L. Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said:

“Guilt has an important role as it awakens us to changes we need to make, but there are limits to how far guilt will help us.

“Guilt is like a battery in a gasoline-powered car. It can light up the car, start the engine, and power the headlights, but it will not provide the fuel for the long journey ahead. The battery, by itself, is not sufficient. And neither is guilt.”² I must be intentional not to slip into negative thinking patterns and should instead focus on loving Christ and myself.

It’s been a process to lay this burden at my Savior’s feet, but it’s working. The small changes I have made, many of them inside my own head, are making a huge difference because of the Savior’s grace.

I’m grateful that the heart of the gospel revolves around love. The love of God, love of others, and love for myself.