“He Was Always with Me,” Liahona, February 2024.
Latter-day Saint Voices
He Was Always with Me
Being loyal to the Lord eventually blessed me more than it ever cost me.
Illustration by Trina Dalziel
Three months after our fifth baby was born, my husband took a pay cut to start a new career and begin graduate school. That required us to move two states away. Feeling financially and physically drained, and socially isolated in a new place, I became deeply depressed.
Going to church was hard. Reluctantly, I went, but I ducked out of meetings quickly to avoid acquaintances’ cheerful inquiries into how I was adjusting. They expected equally cheerful responses, but I had none. Ward members often talked about how blessed and happy they were to have the gospel of Jesus Christ. What was wrong with me?
I served in my calling, and I halfheartedly prayed and read scriptures. But my efforts didn’t feel like they were “work[ing] wonderfully” for me.1
Nearly a year later, the fog started to lift. Through a series of small mental, physical, social, and spiritual changes, I slowly improved.
Months later, with my depression behind me, I was praying when I became overwhelmed with wonder and gratitude for the blessings of gospel living. I felt that it was unreasonable for me to be so blessed. It was God who had granted me the spiritual gift of faith and a desire to know Him. I acted only on the desire He gave me.
“Why should I deserve blessings,” I prayed, “for doing only what Thou didst plant in my heart to want to do in the first place?”
To my surprise, He answered my prayer immediately with memories from my past.
“What about the times you sought me even when it was painful and hard? When you yielded your will to mine, still came to church, and still served my children anyway? My daughter,” I perceived by the Spirit, “you are blessed abundantly for your faithfulness—for choosing me even when you didn’t want to.”
I had thought that being faithful meant always reaping the fruits of His Spirit. Now I know that faithfulness means loyalty and fidelity to Him—no matter what. God’s reality isn’t changed by whether I can hear Him or feel Him. In times of joy or sorrow, if I stay with Him, He is always with me.