“Family Conversations about Suicide,” Liahona, July 2024.
Family Conversations about Suicide
As parents, we want to prepare our children for any of the potential dangers they might face. Although it might be uncomfortable to talk about, suicide is one of those dangers.
Family life is like a white-water rafting trip. As families don life jackets and helmets, parents are like the river guides who have passed through this way before. Children need us to warn them of strong currents or rocks ahead. If farther down the river there might be a devastating waterfall, would we warn our children about it? Would we instruct them how to row and where to steer to divert their route, or would we wait until after they’re dangling from the cliff to warn them?
As parents, we may be uncomfortable discussing a topic as unpleasant as suicide, but we can help protect and prepare our children before they have dangerous thoughts.
Parents can help children learn to become emotionally resilient and to know where they can turn when they need emotional help. Reyna I. Aburto, former Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency, taught that “this may include becoming informed about emotional illnesses, finding resources that can help address these struggles, and ultimately bringing ourselves and others to Christ, who is the Master Healer.”
An Important Issue to Talk About
Some suicides happen without any obvious warning. For some there are only subtle signs, or sometimes the signs are unmistakable. We can’t know for certain what our children are thinking, so we need to prepare them young—in case thoughts of suicide take hold in their minds.
Sister Aburto affirmed, “It is important to talk about these issues with our children, families, and friends in our homes, wards, and communities.”
Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has taught: “Every one of us has family members, dear friends, or acquaintances who have experienced suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, or have taken their lives. … Many wards and stakes [and families] consider having a discussion about suicide prevention after someone has taken their own life. My question is—why wait? Why not do it now? Because someone in the ward or stake is having suicidal thoughts.”
I sat down with my own children several years ago after a tragedy occurred locally. I felt compelled to share with them that through Jesus Christ, there is always a way forward. There is nothing they could do, or fail to do, that would make suicide the answer. At their tender age, I had no reason to think they were at risk, but I knew there was more I could be doing to prepare my children for handling dangerous, potentially suicidal thoughts.
Talking about Suicide Prevents Suicides
The Church’s resource guide for suicide prevention informs: “Talking about suicide will not make someone more likely to attempt suicide. In fact, talking openly about suicide is an effective way to help prevent suicide.”
According to John Ackerman, PhD, suicide prevention clinical manager at Nationwide Children’s Hospital, “Creating a safe space to talk about suicide can save a child’s life.” In fact, he adds, “if a child has been struggling with thoughts of suicide, knowing that a concerned adult is willing to have an open conversation is often a relief.”
“Talking about suicide in appropriate ways actually helps to prevent it rather than encourage it,” taught Sister Aburto. Her father died by suicide. For many years, she avoided talking about his death with her family. However, she has since learned the value in speaking about it honestly and plainly. “I have now openly discussed my father’s death with my children and witnessed the healing that the Savior can give on both sides of the veil.”
Open conversations about suicide can empower children to come to their parents and other trusted adults instead of trying to navigate suicidal thoughts on their own, should they ever arise.
Children as young as six or seven have reported suicidal thoughts. “It used to be that … therapists and researchers and parents didn’t believe that young kids under 10 or 11 even had thoughts of suicide,” Dr. Ackerman says. “We know that’s actually not true.” He indicates that even young children can connect suicidal ideation with feeling like a burden, being in emotional pain, or experiencing hopelessness.
Sister Aburto assured: “Knowing how to recognize signs and symptoms in ourselves and others can be helpful. We can also learn to detect inaccurate or unhealthy thinking patterns and how to replace them with more accurate and healthier ones.”
Suicide Is More Frequent Than We Might Think
Globally, nearly one death by suicide occurs every 40 seconds, and it is the second leading cause of death in the world for people 15–24 years. In a recent study conducted among thousands of teens in Utah, USA, researchers from Brigham Young University discovered that approximately 12 percent of Latter-day Saint youth had seriously considered suicide, and 4 percent had made an attempt.
For context, in a group of 25 teens, 3 of those, statistically speaking, have seriously considered suicide, and one has made a suicide attempt.
If we can help our children find the support they need before they reach the point of crisis—when ideation turns into a plan—we may be able to help them divert course before it’s too late.
Where to Start
At a very young age, children can begin to comprehend feelings, but we can provide them with language to correctly describe their feelings. The first step may be helping a young child build his or her emotional vocabulary. We can teach children to understand the differences between mad, sad, frustrated, and so on. If the child can explain what he or she is feeling, we can work together from there. In an age-appropriate way, we can discuss their intense feelings with children as young as six and help them identify and address these feelings.
These early conversations will also help parents become familiar with their children’s typical range of emotions. Most children go through ups and downs in emotional well-being. This is normal. Having conversations early and often with young children can provide parents with an emotional thermometer to discern the differences between typical ups and downs of childhood and dangerous ideation.
Preventative conversations about suicide are like other preventative training parents provide. We can prepare children and youth for the possibility of experiencing suicidal ideation in the same way we might prepare them for how to drive a car and what to do in the event of an accident. “We want to prepare our kids to understand what can happen emotionally and what they might see in their friends,” says Dr. Ackerman.
Continuing the Conversation
As children age, the conversations we have with them will also mature. We can ask open-ended questions and then allow children to answer candidly. Encourage children to be honest with their difficult feelings. The research shows that addressing difficult emotions may reduce their intensity and duration.
Through open communication about depression, suicide, or feelings of discouragement, children learn that they can share their sincere thoughts and that they are emotionally safe with us. “They also get the unequivocal message that you care deeply about them, and their happiness and well-being matter to you,” says one mental health counselor.
Our love and support for our children can model the love Heavenly Father has for each of us. “Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you,” taught President Thomas S. Monson (1927–2018). “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there.”
Immediately after I discussed suicide with my own children, my nine-year-old son asked if he could speak to me privately. He told me about times he had imagined taking his own life, complete with how he would do it. I never could have dreamed he was having these thoughts. I hugged him, thanked him for his bravery in telling me, and told him that no matter what he ever did or ever thought, he was treasured and needed in our family. And I committed to myself to watch him for any further signs of suicidal ideation or mental illness.
Suicide Is Not the Answer
Some youth may fear that suicide is their only way out of their hopelessness. President Jeffrey R. Holland, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, assures: “However many mistakes you feel you have made … , or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.”
In addition to talking to our young children, we can talk to youth following the model given by President Holland: “To any of our youth out there who are struggling, whatever your concerns or difficulties, death by suicide is manifestly not the answer. It will not relieve the pain you are feeling or that you think you are causing. In a world that so desperately needs all the light it can get, please do not minimize the eternal light God put in your soul before this world was. … Do not destroy a life that Christ gave His life to preserve. You can bear the struggles of this mortal life because we will help you bear them. You are stronger than you think. Help is available, from others and especially from God. You are loved and valued and needed. We need you!”
You and your spouse can discuss when it’s a good time to start talking about it—well before the crisis, if any, comes. You can prayerfully seek the Spirit to help guide both the timing and the words of the conversations with your children.
We are never responsible for someone else’s choice to end a life, but there are things we can do to help prevent it. As President Holland taught:
“The Only Begotten Son of God came to give us life by conquering death.
“We must commit ourselves fully to that gift of life and run to the aid of those who are at risk of giving up this sacred gift.”