“Session Four: Overcoming Anger,” Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples (2006)
“Session Four,” Strengthening Marriage
Session Four
Overcoming Anger
“Who can calculate the wounds inflicted, their depth and pain, by harsh and mean words spoken in anger?”
President Gordon B. Hinckley
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught that “temper is a vicious and corrosive thing that destroys affection and casts out love.”
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Do angry feelings damage your relationship with your spouse, children, or others?
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How can you resolve feelings of anger?
The Problem with Anger
Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy described anger as the “thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway, flare-ups in the sports arena, and domestic violence in homes.” President Gordon B. Hinckley warned of the tragic consequences of anger, asking, “Who can calculate the wounds inflicted, their depth and pain, by harsh and mean words spoken in anger?” Each day, countless individuals are assaulted verbally, physically, and sexually by angry persons.
Some people find that expressing their anger is satisfying and exhilarating. They feel powerful and superior when they intimidate others. However, anger is addictive, and it damages those who give in to it. Because anger is so destructive, it usually fails to help people get what they want. Few people like to be around those who are angry; they do not like to be intimidated or controlled.
As you read this session, consider what you can do to overcome angry feelings.
Kinds and Causes of Anger
Some individuals become angry almost without thinking. This anger is often difficult to control because it occurs so quickly. In other situations, anger builds slowly as a person perceives ongoing threats, injustice, or mistreatment. These perceptions are often exaggerated or imagined. In either case, becoming angry is a choice.
When you perceive a threat, your body prepares for action. Your blood pressure rises, your muscles tense, your respiration increases, and your mind focuses on addressing and resolving the perceived threat or mistreatment. This physical readiness might explode in a single verbal or physical response to the perception. Or it might build slowly over time as you experience a series of provocations until you explode over a situation, sometimes something minor that you would normally disregard.
An awareness of distorted perceptions and the physical changes that accompany them provides two strategies for resolving anger: (1) to challenge distorted perceptions and (2) to avoid anger-provoking situations until tension and stress subside.
Living without Anger
When others threaten or provoke you, you don’t need to become angry. Learn to respond in ways that have a better outcome for you and for others, especially your family. You can control your anger. The following recommendations will help. Read through them, and apply those practices that work best for you.
Identify Your Anger Cycle
If you become angry often or regularly, you may engage in cyclical behavior that includes four phases. In the first phase, you may pretend that everything is normal, but anger lurks beneath the surface. This phase may be brief, or it may last for days, weeks, or longer. The second phase involves anger build-up, where you focus on distorted, anger-producing thoughts and make plans to act on the anger. This phase may also last for days or weeks at a time. Phase three is the acting-out phase—you explode and demean and assault another person physically or verbally. Phase four is the downward-spiral phase, in which you feel guilty and ashamed and try to cover your outburst by trying to be a good person. As your resolve breaks down, the cycle repeats.
Keep an Anger Log
Keep a record of when you become angry and how you deal with your anger. Write down the triggering event or person, the date, and the intensity of your anger on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being mild and 10 severe. Record the thoughts feeding your anger, how you dealt with the anger (your success or failure in controlling it), what seemed to help, and what you could do better next time. As you keep an anger log, your awareness of your anger cycle will increase. You can then interrupt anger in the early stages by using the principles in this session.
Defuse Anger-Provoking Thoughts
Look for alternate explanations for the situations that provoke your anger. For example, the person who cuts in front of you in traffic may be late for an appointment. The person who makes fun of you may be trying to be funny, not trying deliberately to insult you. Think of troublesome situations as problems that need to be resolved, not as threatening events that demand a dramatic response. Work on changing your thoughts as soon as possible. People tend to become irrational after anger-buildup has occurred.
Raymond Novaco of the University of California at Irvine recommended coping statements to defuse anger-provoking thoughts. Such statements could include: “I’m not going to gain anything by getting mad,” “If I get angry, I’ll pay a price I don’t want,” “I can’t assume the worst or jump to conclusions,” “I can reason this out.” Mentally rehearse such statements before you become angry so they will be available to you when the need arises.
Get Out of Anger-Provoking Situations
The best time to avoid anger is when you notice your stress increasing. As chemicals build in your body, your ability to reason and to control your behavior decreases. An enraged person often becomes irrational, possessing a false sense of power that fosters aggression, regardless of outcome or consequences. Monitor your anger. Imagine a thermometer that measures your anger level. If you lose control at 80 degrees, get out of the situation before it gets that hot. Tell the other person, “I’m getting angry. I need time to cool down.” Don’t blame the other person by saying, “You’re making me angry.” Set an agreeable time to resume the discussion.
Identify Activities that Calm You Down
Many kinds of activities can help you calm down when you begin to get angry. Relaxing activities include meditating, working, jogging, swimming, listening to music, reading a book, studying scriptures, or praying. Do not try to calm down by venting your anger or brooding over the incident. If you brood or vent, your anger will most likely escalate. As you review the event in your mind again and again, you will often continue to exaggerate the situation. As you vent, you do the same, justifying in your mind the violent expression of your anger.
Share Underlying Feelings
Anger is often expressed in place of feelings of hurt, fear, embarrassment, or rejection. Some individuals are hesitant to share these feelings, fearing they will show weakness or vulnerability. However, being honest and forthright takes great strength, courage, and humility. When you share your underlying feelings, you will be able to resolve conflicts more easily. You will find that others are less defensive and more willing to work out problems. Your relationships with family members and others will improve.
Seek Spiritual Change
The process of coming unto Christ involves a spiritual transformation that results in peaceful, loving behavior. As Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve explained, when we become truly converted “the way we treat others becomes increasingly filled with patience, kindness, a gentle acceptance, and a desire to play a positive role in their lives.”
If anger is a problem for you, your bishop or branch president can help you develop a plan to increase your spirituality. As you come unto Christ, you will become angry much less often.
The Peace of God
The Apostle Paul said, “The peace of God … passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7). Those who have struggled with anger know how liberating it is to feel peace and freedom from this emotion. As one person described it, “I used to walk around feeling like I wanted to hurt everyone I saw. Anger dominated my life. As I applied gospel principles and as I learned to think differently and to view others in a better way, my anger went away. Now I can enjoy being around others. I have my life back again.”
Practice
Develop a plan to resolve any anger problems in your life, using the principles taught in this session. Disrupt anger during the early stages of the anger cycle, before build-up occurs. Involve others in your plan, such as your family, friends, bishop, and others who can help. Write your plan and follow it, making changes as needed.
Scriptures
Study these scriptures, and consider how they can help you: