“Session Three: Fostering Equality and Unity,” Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples (2006)

“Session Three,” Strengthening Marriage

Session Three

Fostering Equality and Unity

“There can be nothing of inferiority or superiority between the husband and wife in the plan of the Lord.”

President Gordon B. Hinckley

The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught in their proclamation on the family that husbands and wives are to “love and care for each other” and “help one another as equal partners.”

Do you respect your spouse as an equal partner in your marriage?
What can you do differently to promote equality and to share decision making in your marriage?

Reaching Our Full Potential

While serving in the Relief Society general presidency, Sister Sheri L. Dew taught that unity is essential to the Lord’s pattern for couples: “Our Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created us. He made us enough alike to love each other but enough different that we would need to unite our strengths and stewardships to create a whole. Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other. Thus, no marriage … is likely to reach its full potential until husbands and wives … work together in unity of purpose, respecting and relying upon each other’s strengths.”

List what you can do to bring greater unity and equality to your marriage. Resolve to do those things regardless of what your spouse does.

Fostering Equality

Many statistics indicate that in the United States nearly half of couples divorce. They do so for reasons that include a lack of unity and cooperation. In a study of more than 20,000 couples, David Olson and Amy Olson found that difficulty in sharing leadership equally was the greatest stumbling block to marital satisfaction. In contrast, they found that three of the top ten strengths of happy couples related to their ability to share leadership. Couples who follow the Lord’s standard for relationships strengthen their marriages and find joy and happiness by showing unity, equality, love, and respect.

To achieve equality in your marriage, you may need to change old ways of thinking and behaving, remembering that the joys of unity far outweigh the pains of breaking old habits. The following principles will help you foster equality and unity in your marriage.

Love and Respect Each Other as Equal Partners

President Gordon B. Hinckley taught that when husbands and wives act as equal and unified partners, they “walk side by side with respect, appreciation, and love one for another. There can be nothing of inferiority or superiority between the husband and wife in the plan of the Lord.” President Howard W. Hunter explained: “A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto. … The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership.”

Preside in Righteousness

Sometimes a husband uses his responsibility to preside as an excuse to dominate or abuse his wife or children. President Gordon B. Hinckley strongly condemned such actions:

“Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood.”

Through the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Lord instructed that relationships should be guided by righteousness and “by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile” (D&C 121:41–42; see also verse 36). In all your relationships, be sure to follow these leadership principles.

Identify and Rechannel Controlling Behavior

Taking charge is useful in the workplace to accomplish work-related goals. But taking charge is not the same as controlling others. Ordering others around can be quick and efficient, but it often provokes resentment and resistance, especially among family members. Ultimately, it causes problems that require far more effort to resolve than is needed to establish good relationships in the first place. If you have any tendency to control others, rechannel it and learn to control yourself. Control what you think, how you act, and what you say. Practice the behaviors taught in Doctrine and Covenants 121:41–42.

Identify and Correct Thoughts and Beliefs about Control

Thoughts underlie virtually all our feelings and behavior. For example, a controlling husband may think, “I’m in charge. My wife should do as I say.” A controlling wife may think, “I have to be in control. My husband can’t do anything right.”

If you challenge and correct your own distorted thinking, you will be more likely to act appropriately. To recognize underlying thoughts, start asking yourself why you tend to be controlling. The answers that come to mind will reveal your thoughts and beliefs. Next, challenge the accuracy of your thinking. For example, “Is it really true that my wife should do as I say? Is that belief consistent with Christ’s teachings?” “Is it really true that my husband can’t do anything right?” Correct your thinking, and your behavior is likely to improve.

Share Decision Making

In healthy marriages, husbands and wives make some decisions independently and some decisions together. You should make decisions together when the outcome affects both of you or when it affects others in the family. Some husbands and wives approach decision making in terms of winning and losing (for example, “If she decides, she’ll get her way,” or “If he gets his way, I’ll feel like a loser”).

With a little effort and a willingness to talk, you can make decisions that are acceptable to both of you. When one person dominates decision making, both people lose because one is ignored and the other is resented. Furthermore, the family fails to benefit from the wisdom of two experienced adults. As you make decisions with your spouse, you gain confidence that on those occasions when you must make decisions alone, your decisions will more likely represent your spouse’s views as well as your own.

Be Persistent

Established ways of thinking and behaving are often difficult to change. Old habits are hard to break, but they can be changed through persistent effort. As you invest time and energy in fostering unity and equality, you will bring new life to your marriage and help your spouse develop as a person; in turn, he or she will have greater love and respect for you.

Acting and Rejoicing as One

When you and your spouse work together in love and unity as equal partners, the results are synergistic—your combined effort is greater than the sum of your individual contributions.

Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve taught that oneness is essential for well-being in marriage: “Marriage allows [the] different characteristics [of men and women] to come together in oneness—in unity—to bless a husband and wife, their children and grandchildren. For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed. Their efforts interlock and are complementary. Each has individual traits that best fit the role the Lord has defined for happiness as a man or woman. When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one—to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally. That is the plan.”

President Ezra Taft Benson declared that unity in marriage is essential for happiness and personal growth: “The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth.”

Practice

Choose one of the principles in this session that seems appropriate for you. Make a plan to work on it until you begin to master your objective. Then select another principle to work on.

Scriptures

Study these scriptures, and consider how they can help you: