“Session Five: Resolving Conflict,” Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples (2006)

“Session Five,” Strengthening Marriage

Session Five

Resolving Conflict

“He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention.”

3 Nephi 11:29

Elder Joe J. Christensen of the Seventy observed: “Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better.”

Do you have unresolved conflicts in your marriage that keep you from feeling unity and peace?
How can you resolve those conflicts?

Finding Solutions to Differences of Opinion

You can learn to resolve disagreements in a peaceful and healthy way and avoid a destructive escalation of conflict. Successful resolution involves avoiding selfishness, finding a common ground, and focusing on similarities rather than differences. Resolution also requires good communication skills, cooperation, and the desire to find mutually acceptable solutions to problems.

Resolving conflict, while sometimes painful, is a healthy part of living that can build your faith, fortitude, character, and personal righteousness. This skill is desperately needed in our conflict-ridden culture.

Elder Loren C. Dunn of the Seventy declared: “There is a need for us, perhaps more than ever before, to reach within ourselves and allow the quality of mutual respect, mingled with charity and forgiveness, to influence our actions with one another; to be able to disagree without becoming disagreeable; to lower our voices and build on common ground with the realization that once the storm has passed, we will still have to live with one another.”

A Model for Resolving Conflict

The following conflict-resolution model, adapted from the work of psychologist Susan Heitler, can help you and your spouse resolve conflicts in an amicable and productive way. It will help you identify solutions that satisfy you both. The model has three phases.

Phase One—Express Views

In this phase, both of you should fully state your views regarding the conflict. For example, John may say, “I want to handle our finances—budget the money, pay the bills, balance the checkbook.” Jan may say, “I want to manage our money. I have the time and the ability.” Listen respectfully to your spouse’s views. Sometimes differences will end when both of you can clearly express your feelings. If differences still exist, move on to phase two.

Phase Two—Explore Concerns

Explore the concerns that underlie each other’s points of view. Explore the feelings, wishes, fears, memories, likes, dislikes, and values connected with the conflict. The focus must be on understanding and accepting the other person’s point of view, even though it may differ from your own. Otherwise, postpone your discussion until each of you can understand and accept the view of the other. Look for compatible thoughts and feelings, and you will often find them. In the example above, both John and Jan were afraid of being left out of money management. Both were reared in homes where one parent dominated financial matters.

As you come to understand your spouse’s motives, your empathy will usually increase and you will often discover a common ground. This phase is often successful when you broaden the frame of the problem from “what I want” and “what you want” to “what we would both like.”

If concerns seem incompatible and resolution is not forthcoming, you may need to explore them in greater depth. Good communication skills are important. Review session 2 for information.

Phase Three—Select Mutually Satisfying Solutions

Sometimes an acceptable solution will become obvious to you and your spouse as you thoroughly explore your underlying concerns together. If a solution is not evident, brainstorm possibilities, writing down every idea that comes to mind. Then look for the solution that best addresses the underlying needs and wants you both have. Once you have reached a solution, ask yourselves whether any aspect of the problem still feels unresolved. If you feel unsettled with the solution or if you are unable to come up with an acceptable solution, repeat phase two, taking more time to explore the underlying concerns. Then repeat phase three, and you will likely find an acceptable solution.

Rules for Discussing Problems

The following rules will help you through the conflict resolution process. Please review them before using the model.

Decide on a time and place to talk. Don’t begin until you both feel ready.
Stay on topic. If needed, write down your points of view (phase one of the conflict-resolution model) and keep them in front of you. It’s easy to get sidetracked.
Seek to understand instead of argue. Both of you will lose if you seek to win an argument. Instead of arguing, try to understand your spouse’s point of view.
Let your spouse talk. Both of you should have an equal chance to talk without interruption.
Speak softly. You and your spouse can more easily share thoughts and feelings in a stable, noncombative, calm environment.When voices are quiet, you are more likely to hear and feel the promptings of the Holy Ghost.
Take a break, if necessary. If tempers flare, take a time-out, agreeing on a time to resume the discussion once tempers have cooled.
Be kind. Do not attack your spouse’s weaknesses or sensitive “hot spots.”
Use appropriate language. Profanity and name-calling are offensive, demeaning, and abusive. They impede the conflict-resolution process.
Discuss current issues. Don’t dredge up the past. Past issues should only be discussed if they are part of an ongoing unresolved problem.
Do not use violence. Violent behavior is destructive and contrary to gospel principles.
Do not threaten divorce or separation. Such threats have provoked couples into taking actions they later regret.
Seek spiritual help. As you earnestly pray for assistance, the Lord will direct your efforts, soften hearts, and help you find solutions.
Rest and try again. If you cannot solve a problem by using the model, agree to set the problem aside temporarily. Schedule a time to resume working on it with renewed energy.
Find measurable solutions. For example, a solution such as “I’ll initiate family prayer, and you’ll initiate scripture study” is both measurable and observable.
Plan the implementation of the solution. Decide who will do what, when it will be done, and how often it will be done.
Agree on reminders. Agree on whether reminders are needed, who will give them, and how they will be given.
Plan for exceptions. Plan how you will deal with circumstances that may interfere with the solution.
Reevaluate and revise. Set a day and time to reevaluate your solution, making revisions if needed.

Harmonious Relationships

Individuals can find beauty in marriage as they strive to abide by gospel principles, as they work diligently to resolve disagreements and conflict, and as they strive to promote each other’s happiness and well-being.

Speaking of marriage, President Gordon B. Hinckley declared: “There is no other arrangement that meets the divine purposes of the Almighty. Man and woman are His creations. Their duality is His design. Their complementary relationships and functions are fundamental to His purposes. One is incomplete without the other. …

“The cure for most marital troubles does not lie in divorce. It lies in repentance and forgiveness, in expressions of kindness and concern. It is to be found in application of the Golden Rule.”

Practice

As a couple, use the conflict-resolution model to resolve an issue of lesser importance in your relationship. After learning to use the model successfully, apply it to issues of greater importance, addressing one conflict at a time.

Scriptures

Consider how these scriptures can help you:

3 Nephi 11:29–30

D&C 38:27