“Session Six: Enriching Marriage,” Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples (2006)
“Session Six,” Strengthening Marriage
Session Six
Enriching Marriage
“In the enriching of marriage the big things are the little things. … Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine.”
President James E. Faust
In their proclamation on the family, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles affirmed the central importance of marriage and family life in Heavenly Father’s plan for His children. President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve taught: “No relationship has more potential to exalt a man and a woman than the marriage covenant. No obligation in society or in the Church supersedes it in importance.”
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How much do you value your spouse? Does your spouse feel valued by you?
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In what ways can you help your spouse feel loved and cherished?
To Love and Care for Each Other
As a member of the Seventy, President James E. Faust of the First Presidency discussed the causes of divorce, focusing on one in particular:
“Among them are … selfishness, immaturity, lack of commitment, inadequate communication, unfaithfulness; and all of the rest, which are obvious and well known.
“In my experience there is another reason which seems not so obvious but which precedes and laces through all of the others. It is the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage. It is an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, when it is also drudgery, difficult, and dull.”
List what you can do to enrich your marriage. Resolve to do those things regardless of what your spouse does.
Making a Difference
President Faust gave this counsel: “In the enriching of marriage the big things are the little things. It is a constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. It is the encouraging and the helping of each other to grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine.” The following principles will help you enrich your marriage.
Center Your Marriage in the Gospel of Jesus Christ
President Spencer W. Kimball taught that a gospel-centered marriage brings happiness: “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have this great happiness. When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste, mentally and physically, so that their whole thoughts and desires and love are all centered in one being, their companion, and both are working together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle.”
Take Time for Each Other
Because of many demands on your time, you must persistently seek ways to nurture your marriage relationship. Quite often, the activities that siphon away time and energy are good. Completing your education, succeeding in a career, raising children, fulfilling Church callings, and honoring civic and military obligations may all compete with marriage and family time.
Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions. When happiness and marital stability are at stake, you may need to sacrifice lucrative, time-consuming jobs and delay financial and personal goals. You may even need to reduce the amount of time spent in serving others to allow time for this most sacred relationship.
With your spouse, explore ideas for finding and spending time together. Possibilities include taking time in weekly planning meetings or family councils to schedule time when you can be alone together, taking a few minutes to talk at the end of each day, scheduling an occasional lunch together, scheduling a date night, or taking your spouse with you on a business trip.
Have Fun Together
During courtship, many couples become interested in each other as they participate together in fun activities; after they get married, they become so busy that all their interaction time is spent resolving the problems of life, work, and child rearing. Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg observed that couples do not just suddenly find each other unattractive. Rather, “the biggest reason attraction dies down is that couples neglect the very things that built and maintained it in the first place, friendship and fun.” They recommended that you need to set aside time for fun and not try to solve problems during that time.
Writer Susan Page found in her research that thriving couples spend lots of recreational time together, away from the distractions of home and career. The activities themselves are not as important as the attitudes you have while doing them. Page noted that thriving couples do such things as “dance; run or work out; hike; ski; play volleyball; … eat out; go to movies, theater, or concerts; entertain friends; play parlor games.” Often, the most enjoyable activities cost the least.
Church leaders have taught that recreation strengthens family life. The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve described the importance of “wholesome recreational activities” in establishing successful marriages and families.
President Ezra Taft Benson taught that family home evening is a good time for family fun: “Family home evenings should be scheduled once a week as a time for recreation, work projects, skits, songs around the piano, games, special refreshments, and family prayers. Like iron links in a chain, this practice will bind a family together, in love, pride, tradition, strength, and loyalty.”
Talk Frequently and Positively
Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles emphasized the importance of frequent communication: “Some couples seem not to listen to one another. Taking time to talk is essential to keep lines of communication intact. If marriage is a prime relationship in life, it deserves prime time! Yet less important appointments are often given priority, leaving only leftover moments for listening to precious partners.”
John Gottman of the University of Washington observed that successfully married couples engage in positive communication, which includes showing interest in what your spouse says; being affectionate verbally and physically; showing you care through thoughtful acts such as telephone calls and small gifts; being appreciative; showing concern by being supportive and expressing concern; being empathetic; accepting what your spouse is saying even if you disagree; joking in playful, witty, inoffensive ways, unless your spouse sees your humor negatively; and sharing your joy when you are delighted, excited, or having a good time.
Perform Acts of Kindness
President Gordon B. Hinckley stressed the importance of the kindness that you can show to your spouse: “If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce.” Speaking directly to the brethren, he added: “The women in our lives [have] particular qualities, divine qualities, which cause them to reach out in kindness and with love to those about them. We can encourage that outreach if we will give them opportunity to give expression to the talents and impulses that lie within them. In our old age my beloved companion said to me quietly one evening, ‘You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.’”
You can ask your spouse what he or she would like you to do more often to show that you care. Even better, you can perform caring acts without being asked to do them. However, in some cases, you may not know what your spouse wants without asking. Continued acts of kindness and expressions of love create a strong, enduring bond between you and your spouse.
Happiness in Marriage
Your relationship will thrive when you show love and appreciation. Acts of tenderness, consideration, and compassion are essential nutrients. When you give these nutrients, your spouse will feel alive and motivated to reach his or her highest potential. Do not expect that everything will always go well; you will have challenges. But if you and your spouse love and respect each other, you will find great satisfaction in marriage. As President Faust noted, “Happiness in marriage and parenthood can exceed a thousand times any other happiness.”
Practice
Choose one of the principles for enriching your marriage. Make a plan to incorporate it in your life. Once you begin to master it, work on the next most important principle.
Scriptures
Study these scriptures and consider how they apply to your marriage: