“Session Two: Communicating with Love,” Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples (2006)

“Session Two,” Strengthening Marriage

Session Two

Communicating with Love

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.”

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World”

Latter-day prophets and apostles have taught that “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.”

Communication in marriage includes every thought, feeling, act, or desire shared verbally and nonverbally between husband and wife. Good communication is a manifestation of love. It fosters mutual understanding and respect, reduces conflict, and increases love, unlocking the doors to the highest levels of human intimacy. Every married couple can learn to communicate skillfully.

What do your communication habits indicate about your love for your spouse?
How can you show love—and increase your love—by using good communication?

Love and Good Communication

Good, positive communication is essential to a healthy marriage. When couples communicate with love, they grow in unity and understanding. They strengthen and support each other throughout life.

Victor Cline, a psychologist and a member of the Church, observed: “I have found in thirty years of marriage counseling that learning new communication techniques, going to seminars on relationship skills, or reading all of the best books on the subject really won’t help heal marital wounds unless the individuals involved develop a contrite spirit or feel a softening of the heart. This softening of the heart usually needs to take place in both spouses, even though one may be principally at fault for the problems. While you can never force your spouse to change, you can change. You can choose to love and forgive no matter what else happens. The result will usually be a change in your spouse’s attitude and behavior as well.”

List what you can do now to begin to change your heart. Resolve to make those changes regardless of what your spouse chooses to do.

Improving Communication

As your heart softens, you may need to break negative communication habits and develop new habits that reflect and reinforce your change of heart. The following recommendations will help you improve communication in your marriage.

Eliminate Destructive Ways of Talking to Each Other

For more than 20 years psychologist John Gottman studied interactions between couples. He identified four destructive patterns that indicate a couple may be headed for divorce:

Criticism: “Attacking [your spouse’s] personality or character.”
Contempt: Insulting or demeaning your spouse; indicating through words or actions that you believe your spouse to be “stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool.”
Defensiveness: Responding defensively to complaints, criticism, or contempt by making excuses, denying, arguing, whining, or counter-blaming, rather than trying to solve the problem.
Stonewalling: Withdrawing physically or emotionally from the relationship when disagreements occur, becoming like a stone wall.

“The magic ratio is 5 to 1,” said Gottman. When positive feelings and interactions occurred five times more often than negative interactions and feelings, “the marriage was likely to be stable.”

Recognize and Accept Differences between You and Your Spouse

Some individuals behave as if they believe husband and wife should think and act alike. If you recognize, accept, and appreciate differences between you and your spouse, you will be more understanding and responsive to your spouse’s needs and ways of doing things.

Examine Destructive Thought Patterns

You will find it difficult to communicate positively if you have negative thoughts about your spouse. Negative thoughts are often distorted; you might magnify your strengths and minimize your weaknesses, while magnifying your spouse’s weaknesses and minimizing his or her strengths. Correct any distorted thoughts you might have by challenging them, looking for evidence that they are inaccurate, viewing objectionable behavior in a different light, and considering that your spouse may have good intentions for his or her behavior. Pray that the Lord will help you see your spouse as He does.

Use Good Communication Skills

You can consciously practice and strengthen skills that will help you communicate better. To improve communication, you can do the following.

Be interested and attentive when your spouse is talking. Show nonverbal interest in what your spouse says by maintaining eye contact without staring and by paying attention instead of seeming distant or bothered.

Ask questions. Ask questions that invite your spouse to talk, such as “Something seems to be troubling you. Do you want to talk about it?”

Listen actively. Sometimes rephrase what you hear. For example: “You’re worried that your boss doesn’t like you.” When you rephrase, you show interest and understanding of your spouse’s message. If you misunderstood it, your spouse can clarify it.

Share intentions. When approaching a difficult topic, first identify and share your intentions—what you want for the relationship and what you want for your spouse and for yourself. For example: “I want you to know that I love you and that I want us to feel close to one another and to be able to trust each other fully.” When you share positive intentions, you will help your spouse understand that you are initiating the conversation to resolve problems and strengthen the relationship, not to criticize and complain.

Use “I” statements. Use “I” statements that share personal feelings when you are upset, rather than “you” messages that imply blame. For example, “I get upset when the rent isn’t paid on time,” rather than, “You’re irresponsible, and you make me mad.” “You” messages are judgmental and place blame. They invite resentment and defensiveness.

Agree with the truth. Agree with the truth when you receive criticism or blame. When you take responsibility for mistakes, you can calm arguments and increase your credibility. If you deny the truth, you often intensify problems and appear weak and guilty.

Praise your spouse. Honest praise enhances communication. As Gottman suggested, “Reminding your partner (and yourself!) that you really admire him or her is likely to have a powerful, positive effect on the rest of your conversation.”

Clearly state preferences. Share your desires and expectations with your spouse. He or she may not know what you want and expect from your relationship. Use good judgment when asking for what you want; some wants and desires are inappropriate, harmful, or contrary to gospel principles.

Examine How You Talk to Each Other (process versus content)

Sometimes couples focus so much on the issues at hand, such as who takes out the garbage, that they fail to recognize that the way they communicate (the process) is the greater problem. For example, a wife may unrelentingly pursue an argument while her husband withdraws, trying to avoid conflict. Her intensity provokes his withdrawal, and his withdrawal provokes her unrelenting pursuit. Once they identify and correct the process (she backs off and he stops withdrawing), they can more easily resolve the problems that concern them both.

Examine your communication processes. See what you can do to avoid practices that undermine your ability to communicate.

Communicating Effectively

Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve indicated how people could learn more loving communication: “I pray our Heavenly Father will help us to communicate more effectively in the home through a willingness to sacrifice, a willingness to listen, a willingness to vocalize feelings, a willingness to avoid judgment, a willingness to maintain confidences, and a willingness to practice patience. … May our gracious and kind Heavenly Father help us in our needs and desires for more effective family communication. Communication can help build family unity if we will work at it and sacrifice for it.”

Practice

Choose one of the recommendations in this session for improving communication. Together with your spouse, make a plan to implement it. Practice communication skills together, taking turns talking and listening. Do not interrupt, even if your spouse interrupts you. If discussions become contentious, set a time to resume them later and take a break until then. Once you begin to master the skill you have chosen, choose another one to work on.

Scriptures

Study these scriptures, and consider how they apply to your marriage: