Finding Answers: From Sister to Sister
How Can I Help My Loved Ones Who Have Lost Their Faith?
We’re often encouraged to show love to those who distance themselves from the gospel, but what does that look like in practical day-to-day interactions?
I was standing at the door of my parents’ room in freshly ironed church clothes when my mom told me that she wouldn’t be going to church anymore. Her words confirmed every worry that had been on my mind. I had come home from my first year at college only a few weeks before. The house—which was usually filled with the music of the Tabernacle Choir on Sunday mornings—had been dismally quiet, and my mom hadn’t come to church with my dad, my sister, and me since I had been home. Still, actually hearing that my mom was leaving the Church shocked me.
To put it plainly, I felt betrayed—even angry. I had no idea that she’d been harboring concerns about the gospel for some time. And I had never imagined that the woman who had taught me Primary songs and many principles of the gospel would lose her faith in the restored Church of Jesus Christ. Had I been wrong about who my mom was all along?
Without my mom’s encouragement, my sister soon stopped attending church as well, leaving my dad and me as the only active members in our family. By the end of the summer, it was clear that the change in our family wouldn’t be temporary.
I was devastated. I had experienced so many things that had built my faith in Jesus Christ and His restored Church, and the thought of my mom and sister letting go of what brought me so much joy was heartbreaking. It felt like the foundation of my family was crumbling, and I was left with one aching question: What could I do to help my family?
Other Church members have struggled with this question. It can be difficult to know how to navigate relationships and support loved ones when a change like this happens. The Savior and modern prophets and apostles have repeatedly reminded us to “love the Lord thy God” (Matthew 22:37) and “have love one to another” (John 13:35). These principles seem easy enough to understand. But knowing how to actually apply them can often seem more difficult.
Still, in the years since my mom has stopped attending Church, I’ve learned there are several things we can do to show love and support to loved ones in any stage of faith.
Respect Their Agency
When someone close to you loses their faith, the temptation to try to “fix” the situation can be strong. Though we may have good intentions, sometimes our efforts to help can make our loved ones feel pressured instead of loved.
When I learned about my mom’s decision, I filled three pages with everything I wanted to say to her, trying to remind her of what she had once felt, but I knew I couldn’t force my answers onto her. Instead, I needed to process my own emotions and practice listening with love.
As President M. Russell Ballard, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, explained: “Your family members or friends already know the Church’s teachings. They don’t need another lecture! What they need—what we all need—is love and understanding, not judging.”1
Even Alma the Younger, who wished that he could be like an angel and “cry repentance unto every people” (Alma 29:1), had to remember that God “counsel[s] in wisdom” (Alma 29:8) and “granteth unto men according to their desire” (Alma 29:4). Similarly, we have to remember and respect that God wants each of us to choose Him for ourselves.
Respecting others’ decisions does not mean letting go of our own beliefs, but it does mean striving to understand theirs, allowing them to make their own decisions, and choosing to love and respect them—no matter where their faith is at. Continue to look for the good in others and seek the Spirit to know how to navigate difficult situations that may come your way due to differing standards or opinions.
Grow Your Relationships
Many who are struggling with their faith fear judgment or rejection from their loved ones, so an essential way to show them love is to continue developing your relationships with them. This most often comes in small, everyday ways. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that filling our hearts with love for others means we “laugh with them. Rejoice with them. Weep with them. Respect them. Heal, lift, and strengthen them.”2
When my mom stopped attending church, her friends from church didn’t stop being friends with her. Instead, they continued to go on walks with her, invite her to lunch, and visit her. Deepening your relationship with your loved ones might be as simple as sending them a funny video, spending time with them, or offering to help when they’re struggling. Remember that “a friend loveth at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). Offer your friendship genuinely, without attaching any expectations of them returning to Church activity. As you do little things to invest in your relationships, you can help those who have lost their faith feel your heartfelt love for them.
Sometimes, a loved one may decide to distance themselves from you as well as the Church, even when you offer love and respect. In these situations, you can continue to respect their agency by allowing them space while holding out your arms with love for when they are ready to renew your relationship. And if a loved one continually disrespects your standards or ridicules you for your beliefs, follow the Spirit to know how to set appropriate boundaries.3
Share the Gospel in How You Live
It’s now been several years since my mom and sister left the Church, and it’s still my greatest desire to share the gospel with my family. Though my family members have different beliefs than I do, I’ve learned that as I live the gospel wholeheartedly, they see the light it brings into my life.
“Your good works will be evident to others. The light of the Lord can beam from your eyes,” taught President Russell M. Nelson.4 As simple as it is, this is one of the best ways we can share the gospel.
When prompted, we can share the gospel in other “natural and normal ways.”5 I try to do this by sharing small spiritual moments that are a part of my life. When I feel relief from anxiety in the temple or when I feel God guiding me in a difficult decision, I share those experiences with my family. As I’ve followed the Spirit to know what is appropriate to share at the right time, I’ve been able to bond more positively with my family members over my own life experiences and theirs.
The Lord Knows His Sheep
Even if you apply all these lessons, it doesn’t guarantee that your loved ones will return to activity; my mom and sister haven’t returned to the Church, but we have grown closer, we’ve learned to manage differences, and I have seen miracles in my life that let me know God is aware of my family and me.
My mom originally told me that she didn’t want me serving a mission. I chose to serve, and when we visited my mission a few months after I returned home, she told me how proud she was of the woman I had become and said she could tell how much my service was appreciated.
We’re nowhere near perfect yet. My heart still aches for my family, and we still sometimes struggle to reconcile our differing views. But I know that what’s important is that I keep doing my best to listen, understand, and show love to those around me. “Don’t give up,” Elder Uchtdorf encouraged. “Keep trying to get it right. You will eventually become better, happier, and more authentic” as you talk about your faith.6
It brings me comfort to know that God knows each of His sheep (see John 10:14) and that the faith of my loved ones is ultimately between them and God. It’s not my responsibility to save them. My responsibility is to “keep his commandments” (Mosiah 2:22), “lift up the hands which hang down” (Hebrews 12:12), and take upon myself “the name of Christ” (3 Nephi 27:5) as best as I can, remembering that Heavenly Father knows perfectly how to minister to each of His children who will seek Him—including me.