Questions and Answers
How Do I Know If I’m Choosing the Right Person to Marry?
Deciding who to marry or date can be stressful. But if we follow the guidance of prophets, apostles, and the Holy Ghost, we can be certain that we will make a good choice.
“Is this person right for me?”
“What if I’m choosing the wrong person?”
So many young adults have had these questions while dating. We feel pressure to make sure we find the right person to be our eternal companion. But, as President Russell M. Nelson taught, we know that getting married in the temple “will make all the difference” in our lives and that we “will be strengthened and guided in [our] decisions.”1 Luckily, there are some qualities you can always rely on to know if you’re making a good choice.
I asked many young adults what they looked for in a potential eternal companion and also searched the comforting and inspired words from prophets and other Church leaders regarding dating. Here are a few of the most common principles I found:
You Are Friends
Before you jump into any romantic relationship, it’s important to be friends first. Bruce C. Hafen, emeritus General Authority Seventy, emphasized this, saying: “Be friends first and sweethearts later, not the other way around. Otherwise, people who think they are sweethearts may discover they can’t be very good friends, and by then it may be too late.”2 Marriage isn’t all about physical attraction—it’s about deep friendship with one another. That’s what lasts forever.
You Can Be Yourself
Whomever you are thinking of marrying needs to know the real you. The right person will know your good traits and your weaknesses and choose to stay with you. Sister Elaine S. Dalton, former Young Women General President, said: “We are each unique and different in our circumstances and experiences. And yet our part matters—because we matter.”3
You likewise need to know your potential eternal companion’s true character. Have you seen how they act when they’re upset, stressed, around family, at work, and in other circumstances? Find out the state of their heart. While you’ll encounter flaws in your partner because none of us are perfect, don’t be hasty in allowing their flaws to overshadow their good qualities. President Stephen L. Richards said, “The highest type of discernment is that which perceives in others and uncovers for them their better natures, the good inherent within them.”4 The Spirit will help you see those you date clearly and show you how you can deepen your love and learn from each other.
They Strive to Live Worthy of the Spirit
If you can feel the Spirit with the person you’re dating, that’s a good sign that he or she aims to keep their focus on God. President M. Russell Ballard, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, encourages all young adults to “find ways to learn and grow and receive inspiration and guidance through the Holy Ghost”5 as preparation for what is to come.
Just as “virtue loveth virtue” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:40), if you have good moral standards and seek the guidance of the Spirit, you will be better prepared for a meaningful relationship with a person who has those same qualities.
They Are Christlike
Those who understand the love of Christ often reflect Christlike love in their actions. Is the person you are dating kind? Do they serve and help when appropriate? Let’s not forget that we can’t expect them to be perfect, but if they are willing to repent and repair their mistakes, that’s a good way to know that they will do the same in a relationship.
Elder Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1932–2017) asked: “Does the person you are dating tear others down or build them up? Is his or her attitude and language and conduct what you would like to live with every day?”6
You Can Communicate Honestly
No relationship is perfect. You are two different people with different personalities and challenges. What matters is if you’re both able to communicate when conflict comes up and that you can work together to overcome it. Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–1994) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “We must realize that communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.”7
Honesty and communication are especially important in your relationship with your potential eternal companion. This includes being honest about your life in the present or past, as well as honestly sharing your hopes and expectations for the future.
Honest communication will help build trust between you when you face challenges that require healthy problem-solving skills and will set a healthy foundation for marriage.
The Takeaway
These aren’t the only qualities you can look for in an eternal companion. But it’s a good start. As you search for your eternal companion, remember that it’s equally important to spend time becoming the type of person you hope to end up with. As Elder Hales (1932–2017) also counseled, “If you want to marry a wholesome, attractive, honest, happy, hardworking, spiritual person, be that kind of person.”8
Trust your feelings, trust the Spirit, and trust Heavenly Father, and you’re likely to choose a wonderful spouse.