Especially for Newlyweds
How I Dealt with Newlywed Homesickness
When homesickness hit me hard, I had to refocus on my spouse.
I grew up in a family of 11, and I considered my family members my best friends. I loved hanging out with them, and they were the people who understood me the most.
After Arthur and I got married, we moved into a home about an hour away from my parents’ house. It seemed like a great arrangement; we were far enough away to have our own space and close enough to visit often.
But during the first few months of marriage, even one hour away seemed too far. I still chatted with my family online regularly, but I could feel my homesickness growing. I didn’t want it to get me down or affect my relationship with Arthur, so I tried to ignore it.
Then, one weekend, we decided to visit my family. We had a great time playing games, talking about school, and just spending time together. But at the end of the evening, after we said good night, the homesickness overwhelmed me. Through my tears, I explained to Arthur what I was feeling—that I loved him deeply, but I missed being with my family and being a part of their lives. I was torn between two things I loved.
Living a New Commandment
When you’re young, your parents are a vital part of your life, and you’re commanded to honor them (see Exodus 20:12). Once you get married, though, you’re commanded to leave them and cleave to your spouse (see Genesis 2:24). You should still honor your parents, but they are no longer the most important people in your life—your spouse is. Not only is celestial marriage necessary for exaltation, it also “brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other relationship.”1
I understood the commandment to cleave to my husband long before I got married, so I tried to prepare to live it. Leading up to our wedding, I figured out my finances, cleaned my bedroom top to bottom, and even tried finishing the shows and games I had started with my siblings. Even though I knew my family would still be close, my heart ached at having to say goodbye.
The moment of crushing homesickness that I felt that weekend was a wake-up call for me. I realized my homesickness was affecting my marriage, despite my best efforts. Outwardly, everything was fine, but inwardly, my mindset wasn’t in the right place. I was taking Arthur’s presence for granted, while cherishing every interaction I had with my parents and siblings. I would look for more ways to spend time with my family, sometimes at the expense of spending time with Arthur. In short, I wasn’t fully “cleaving” to my husband.
Matthew 16:25 says, “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” Referring to this scripture, Elder David A. Bednar said:
“In marriage, we live not exclusively for ourselves but also for our spouses and children and posterity. …
“As husbands and wives ‘lose’ their lives in fulfilling these sacred duties of marriage and family, they find themselves.”2
I was trying to “save” my past life by holding on to it tightly and refusing to let go. The strain from this was wearing me down and reducing how much joy I felt in my marriage. I had to learn to let go so I could move forward and build my new family.
Healing My Homesickness
Two things helped my homesickness heal. First, I stopped thinking I had to push my family out of my life. Yes, the scriptures say to “leave [my] father and mother” (Ephesians 5:31), and I’ve done that. I’ve left the stability they provided, the comforts of my childhood home, and the closeness of my siblings—my best friends. It’s certainly possible to cling too closely to your parents, but you can also swing too far in the other direction, like I had. I had to find a balance—loving my family from a healthy distance, but not saying goodbye forever. I’m still sealed to them, after all.
I still talk to and visit my family regularly, but I no longer feel torn between them and Arthur. It may seem paradoxical, but because I am more fully cleaving to my husband, my time with my family is actually more enjoyable because it’s not tainted by homesickness.
Second, as I sought the Spirit, I felt prompted to spend time with Arthur every day, even when my to-do list seems forever long. Before I make plans with my siblings, I check that it won’t interfere with our time together.
We’re both still learning how to prioritize our relationship, and we mess up all the time. Sometimes one of us accidentally works too long on a personal hobby, which shortens our time together. Or sometimes, even when our attention is in the right place, our date night plans go awry. But putting in the effort still makes a huge difference, and our communication improves as we discuss our priorities and how we use our time.
I’m sealed to both my parents and my husband, but Arthur is the one I made sacred covenants with in the temple. He is my eternal companion, and I am his, and that makes our relationship the most important one in our lives. “A spouse is the only person other than the Lord whom we have been commanded to love with all our heart [see Doctrine and Covenants 42:22].”3 I know that as we both try to live that counsel, we will grow closer to each other and to God. Eternity is a long journey, and how wonderful it is that God arranged for us to have a companion by our sides the whole way!