Especially for Newlyweds
The Parable of the Toothpaste
When I was first married, I didn’t realize the effort it would take to work through disagreements. But I’ve learned that it’s OK to have differences of opinion and that we can allow those moments to teach us.
When my husband and I were first married, we went grocery shopping and had a small disagreement about which toothpaste to buy. We had used different toothpaste brands before we got married, and being poor college students, we didn’t want to spend more money than we had to.
We soon realized that this was the first of many spending disagreements, as we had grown up buying different brands and had different spending habits. We liked different brands of bread, different types of soda, and had different philosophies about saving and spending money.
At first I was worried about these disagreements. I had always thought that spouses should be on the same page about everything in life. But over time I began to see our different opinions from a new perspective. What started out as conflict over toothpaste became a catalyst for communication, an event we now refer to as the “parable of the toothpaste.” This experience taught us so much about navigating conflict.
Aligned on What Really Matters
That day, we did end up spending a little extra money and buying two different tubes of toothpaste. But over time we learned how to communicate and work through disagreements. As we worked on communication, we tried to keep an eternal perspective in mind. And that perspective really made us ask ourselves:
Does buying two different brands of toothpaste really matter or really need to cause a disagreement?
Since then, we’ve made sure to communicate about our desires and ultimately realized that our major goals are aligned (like keeping our covenants and following Jesus Christ). So, with those big agreements in mind, we’ve been able to work through the little things we might disagree on.
President M. Russell Ballard, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said it best when he explained:
“First, a relationship with our Heavenly Father and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, is most important. This relationship matters most now and in eternity.
“Second, family relationships are among those things that matter most.”1
My and my husband’s major goals for our lives aligned with this guidance. So we soon recognized that unexpected conflicts could be opportunities to grow together and become full partners in everything we do. As we’ve worked on our communication and focused on Jesus Christ, we’ve been able to change and become more like Him in the way we treat each other.
Bringing Peace to Our Relationships
As time has gone on, we’ve found ways of navigating disagreements. In some cases we agree on my choice (my husband now uses the toothpaste I like), and in some cases we go with my husband’s (I’ve come to like the slightly more expensive brand of soda), and in other cases we’ve tried something new together that we both like.
We’ve found that this pattern of talking through conflicts and finding the best option also applies to other aspects of our relationship, like parenting. How we decide to handle the smaller conflicts gives us a solid framework for future differences that may be more significant. As we navigate these conflicts together, relying on the Lord for guidance, we really do “walk side by side, as equals, … [and] become one in thought, desire, and purpose with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ,”2 as Elder Ulisses Soares of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles recently taught.
Sometimes we still buy two different brands of toothpaste or two different brands of bread, but the ultimate point is that we’ve established a foundation of healthy communication that has benefited us throughout our marriage. Small and unexpected arguments can be frustrating, but connecting and overcoming those issues makes it much easier to navigate and cleave to one another through larger issues when they come.
President Russell M. Nelson recently taught:
“As disciples of Jesus Christ, we are to be examples of how to interact with others—especially when we have differences of opinion. ...
“… The pure love of Christ is the answer to the contention that ails us today.”3
So instead of panicking or getting upset when you and your spouse disagree, see it as an opportunity to better understand each other and see eye to eye. Welcome those little confrontations and choose to be a peacemaker as President Nelson has asked.
By following the Lord’s example, you will be able to communicate clearly and maintain peace as you work together to find solutions. As we have done this, we have seen so much more love and charity flow into our relationship, and we hope you will too.