From the Mission Field
What Would My Life Look Like If I Didn’t Finish My Mission?
When I came home early from my mission, I assumed I’d be unable to return.
Six months into my mission, I began experiencing anxiety and depression due to the COVID-19 lockdown. After explaining my struggles to my mission president and the mission counselor, I realized that it was more serious than I’d thought. My mission president decided it would be best for me to return home.
The minute I stepped off the airplane, I felt the world’s weight on my shoulders. I was self-conscious, despairing, and disappointed with myself. My two older brothers had served missions, all of my closest friends were serving missions, and my younger brother was preparing to serve a mission. I asked myself, “How will I ever be able to fit in with those around me?” As I thought about my future, the perceived stigma of “early-returned missionary” took a toll on me.
While at home, I worked steadily with professional therapists who taught me skills for managing my anxiety and depression. Over time, my emotional and mental health dramatically improved. However, I still felt disconnected from God. I felt bitter toward Him. He knew the desires of my heart and my urgency to serve a mission, yet I felt He wasn’t helping me.
An Epiphany
Thoughts of returning to the field would always come into my mind, but my anxiety would crush me. I finally said to myself, “I am done. My mission is complete,” and I moved on to the next chapter of my life. I started a full-time job and applied to college.
After about eight months of being home, I had an epiphany. Something in me wondered: “During the past eight months, you have distanced yourself from the guiding influence of the Holy Ghost. Are you ready for the next chapters of your life, including the demands of school, work, and marriage? Are you a lifelong disciple of Jesus Christ? Is your foundation built on Jesus Christ so that when these demands come your way, you will not fall?” (see Helaman 5:12).
The reality of my epiphany was confirmed a few days later when I was talking to one of my older brothers about his mission. He and I are very similar, and we both battle mental health challenges. I thought that if anyone could understand me and give me advice, he could. He explained why his mission had meant so much to him. He testified to me, “There is no better place for a 20-year-old man to be than on a mission. The mission is where you will find Jesus Christ and where you will find yourself as you lose yourself in His work.”
Although my brother’s words may not be true for everyone, I felt the Spirit confirm that they were true for me and that my missionary service was not over. After more prayer and pondering, I became motivated to work hard to return to the mission field. I counseled with my stake president, my bishop, my parents, and doctors, and I eventually applied again for another mission assignment. I received a call to the New York New York City Mission.
My decision to return to serve has been the best decision I have ever made.
Managing My Well-Being
I have wondered why I was able to stay on my mission the second time. With the help of counseling and the Holy Ghost, I have concluded that Heavenly Father has blessed me with gifts to manage my well-being so that I can serve Him. The Spirit has prompted me to remember my “four pillars” to a healthy well-being:
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Spiritual
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Physical
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Emotional
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Social
I have learned that each of my pillars is pivotal to my well-being. Having once been in a very dark and debilitating place, my hope is to maintain a healthy lifestyle so that I never go back to that place. I have learned to try to take care of my pillars through daily scripture study and prayer, regular exercise and healthy eating, meditating to monitor and manage my thoughts, and improving my communication skills to build positive relationships with others. I now look back on my return home not as a failure or a disappointment but as a time that was necessary for me to learn how to improve and maintain my health—both for my own good and so I could continue to serve God.
Losing and Finding Your Life in His Service
I recognize that not every missionary who comes home will be able to return to the mission field. I also recognize that not every young man and young woman who struggles with mental illness will be able to serve a mission, regardless of their willingness. God understands your situation and your capabilities.
As you take care of your mind and body, the Lord will strengthen you and reward you for the desires of your heart, regardless of whether you serve a full-time mission.
Reflecting on my mission experience, I witness that when you choose to lose your life in the work of the Lord, He helps you find it. “Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 16:24–25).