Questions and Answers
Am I the Only Woman Struggling with Pornography?
Struggling with pornography made me feel like I was ineligible to receive the blessings of the Savior’s Atonement.
Sitting in my Young Women class, I heard this statement:
“OK, girls, today we will be talking about pornography. We know you don’t struggle with that, but make sure you listen up so you can one day possibly help your future spouse.”
Ouch. My future spouse? What about me? I had been struggling with pornography for quite a while at that point.
I do not fault my Young Women leaders. I love them. But they weren’t aware that 62 percent of girls are exposed to online pornography before they’re 18.1 So as I was sitting there in this classroom of teen girls, I was inwardly being bombarded with these messages from the adversary:
“You are completely alone.”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Everyone else here struggles with regular things, like not reading their scriptures or occasionally talking rudely to their siblings. What you have on your plate is simply unconquerable. You’re so much worse than them.”
And I listened to everything Satan wanted me to believe.
Was there something wrong with me?
I had only ever heard of boys struggling with things like this, but I had never heard of a girl struggling with it before.
I remember hearing lessons about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and feeling like I was the exception. Of course, “the blood of Jesus Christ ... cleanseth us from all sin” (1 John 1:7), but that couldn’t be true for people like me who had something inherently wrong with them, right?
Wrong. Turns out, there was nothing inherently wrong with me. I was and still am a beloved, valued daughter of God. As Elder K. Brett Nattress of the Seventy recently taught:
“The same promise of complete and perfect forgiveness is made to everyone—in and through the infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ. …
“His eternal message of hope is the healing balm for all who live in a troubled world. The Savior said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life’ (John 14:6).”2
Trying to Break the Shame Cycle
However, because pornography had forced me into further isolation (physically and mentally), I didn’t believe this yet. Like many struggling with pornography, I was trapped in a vicious cycle. Here’s how it went:
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I felt out of touch with my identity. I experienced low self-esteem and, like many 13-year-old girls, had some issues with my body image and comparison to others on social media.
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I viewed pornography to cope and temporarily get rid of the negative thoughts, wanting to achieve that “high.” When pornography is viewed, dopamine is spiked in the brain, leaving a temporary feeling of happiness. So when I viewed pornography, my thoughts turned away from the things that were worrying me or that really mattered to me, and I felt a false sense of relief in the distraction.
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I felt shame, guilt, and a need to isolate.
And that cycle just kept repeating.
Many times, as I was trying to break this cycle, I would attempt to just stop my habit. I would try an all-or-nothing approach instead of addressing what was causing me to want to view pornography. Doing that often unintentionally led to a further perpetuation of this cycle.
However, when I got to the root of the problem and started addressing feeling out of touch with my identity, I was finally able to make real changes.
Understanding My True Identity
When I finally told my bishop about my struggles with pornography, he reassured me of three things pertaining to my identity. He told me I was still
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a daughter of God,
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loved, and
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valued.
During a recent worldwide devotional for young adults, President Russell M. Nelson taught, “I believe that if the Lord were speaking to you directly, the first thing He would make sure you understand is your true identity.”3
And that was exactly what I needed to hear. I didn’t need to hear that what I had done was wrong or that I was unclean or unworthy. I was struggling with so much shame already. What I needed was love and a reminder of my true identity, and my bishop helped me understand and remember that.
We Can’t Put Limits on an Infinite Atonement
Following my initial meeting with the bishop, I was determined to never view pornography again. I had felt the darkness that it brought into my life and knew I never wanted that again. However, after about a year of resisting, I slipped up again. Turns out, willpower is finite.
After that slip, I recorded in my journal: “I am going to go through this next week and make it a goal every day to come out of the day with my foundation built on Jesus Christ, and after that, I will go meet with the bishop.”
But there was a flaw in my thinking—I was using an “after that” mentality. After I am clean for one week, one month, or one year, then I’ll be worthy to invite the healing power of the Savior’s Atonement into my life.
But I finally realized that I didn’t have to wait until I had a perfect foundation of faith before going back to my bishop. Until then, I hadn’t understood the idea that such a divine gift could be given freely if I came unto Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit!
Recently, in my Book of Mormon class at school, my professor taught that suffering is a required course in life but growth is an elective. I know that I will continue to fail and fall short in nearly every aspect of my life. But because of the power and gift of the Savior’s Atonement in my life, I know that I can learn and grow from my experiences.
Now I have the opportunity to share my experiences and connect with other women who struggle with pornography, and I have seen that no one is immune to weakness in this life. But because of Jesus Christ, my weak things have truly become my strengths (see Ether 12:27), and I feel God’s love for me every day.
If you are reading this and struggling with pornography, you are not alone. There is nothing inherently wrong with you. You are not a bad person. You have divine worth and divine potential. Heavenly Father wants to hear from you. You are redeemable. Your loved ones will be cheering you on! But, more importantly, Heavenly Father and the Savior love you and will help you as you turn to Them in humility and sincere repentance (see Mosiah 29:20).