Especially for Newlyweds
3 Tips for Working through Disagreements in Marriage
Disagreements in marriage are going to happen, but what matters most is how we respond.
As a newly married couple of about four years, we are far from experts on how to navigate everything in our relationship, but we have had our share of disagreements. Disagreements will come up in your marriage, and it’s normal! You are two different people with differing opinions and personalities.
But that doesn’t mean disagreements have to be fueled by contention!
As President Russell M. Nelson has taught, “[We can] show that there is a peaceful, respectful way to resolve complex issues and an enlightened way to work out disagreements.”
While every couple is unique, we hope that these three principles will help you deepen your relationship when you’re navigating differing opinions.
1. Recognize That Your Words Matter
Veronica: Early in our marriage, we quickly realized that the words we say—and how we say them—really make a difference. If we say something in an agitated, angry, or condescending tone, conflict can sometimes spiral into contention. As Elder Ronald A. Rasband of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles recently taught, “Words matter!”
My husband is the person who knows me best—and he also knows what things will get under my skin. And I know that in the heat of the moment, I have said some things I don’t really mean.
Something that helps me remember to be mindful of my words is recognizing there are always two sides to every story. My husband is a completely separate person and has feelings and opinions of his own, and I need to be willing to listen, not just be heard!
When we “cease to find fault one with another” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:124) and show empathy for each other’s views, the Spirit can penetrate our hearts to help us resolve any conflict without unnecessary harsh words.
2. Apologize Quickly
Corbin: There is a talk I love by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles where he gives us advice on how to treat our families:
“Is being right more important than fostering an environment of nurturing, healing, and love?
“Build bridges; don’t destroy them.
“Even when you are not at fault—perhaps especially when you are not at fault—let love conquer pride.”
Even if the disagreement did not start with you, it is important to apologize as quickly as possible. Elder Rasband also noted that “I am sorry” is one of the most important phrases you can say to your loved ones. He counseled: “Do not save these humble phrases for a special event or catastrophe. Use them often and sincerely, for they show regard for others.”
3. Remember What Matters Most
Corbin: Early on in our marriage, Veronica and I had a heated disagreement, and soon after, I thought to myself, “I love my wife. Why am I even doing this?”
Over the years, that thought has stuck with me more and more whenever we disagree. As I have prayed to Heavenly Father for help with communicating with Veronica, I have been able to better remember what matters most in my life, especially when we disagree.
Sometimes it’s best to just let the little things go and move on.
However, if you disagree about something bigger, it’s worth working together to find the best solution. Remember what the Savior teaches in the Book of Mormon: “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me” (3 Nephi 11:29). You’ll find the best solution when you come together in humility and love.
When I’m able to step back and remember what matters most, I stop finding reasons to argue and instead think about my love for my wife. It might help to pray for help, remember the covenants you have made together, or study your patriarchal blessing.
President M. Russell Ballard (1928–2023) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles testified that “what matters most is our relationships with Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son, our families … and allowing the Spirit of the Lord to guide us in those relationships so we can testify of the things that matter most and last longest.”
Reminding ourselves of this teaching helps us keep an eternal perspective when disagreements come up.
We know that as we rely on the Lord, He will truly guide us as we navigate life’s twists and turns together. And the same is true for you and your spouse.