“Honoring Agency in Physical Intimacy,” Liahona, Aug. 2022.
Honoring Agency in Physical Intimacy
The physical aspects of our intimate relationships should be guided by our commitment to obey the law of chastity, which reserves sexual intimacy for husband and wife (see Doctrine and Covenants 42:22–23), as well as by our commitment to respect the agency of others.
This article focuses on the importance of honoring agency in the physical aspects of our relationships—from dating to marriage—in order to have successful and meaningful relationships, achieve the joyful unity God has promised to husbands and wives, and avoid the tragic consequences of unwanted sexual contact.
How we honor agency in our approach to physical affection and sexual intimacy plays an important role in preparing us for and strengthening one of our most important human relationships.
The Purpose of Physical Intimacy
When a husband and wife willingly, freely, and lovingly engage in sexual intimacy, it can be a joyful experience that helps unify them. Creating that unity by bringing together the hearts, minds, and bodies of a husband and a wife is one of the primary purposes for which God designed sexual intimacy.1
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “Human intimacy is reserved for a married couple because it is the ultimate symbol of total union, a totality and a union ordained and defined by God. From the Garden of Eden onward, marriage was intended to mean the complete merger of a man and a woman—their hearts, hopes, lives, love, family, future, everything. Adam said of Eve that she was bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh, and that they were to be ‘one flesh’ in their life together [see Genesis 2:23–24]. This is a union of such completeness that we use the word seal to convey its eternal promise.”2
Keeping this divine purpose in mind can help us understand why God cares so much about how we approach physical intimacy—which in this article we define as including both sexual intimacy as well as acts of physical affection, such as holding hands or hugging. (See the section “Key Ideas” below for additional definitions.)
The Role of Agency
The ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves are essential in the plan of salvation. Without agency, we would not be able to learn, progress, or choose to follow the Savior. With agency, we can become like God as we learn to choose between good and evil.3
Agency is the ability to act and not be acted upon. Thus, physical affection or sexual relations of any kind should not only take place according to God’s teachings and the law of chastity but also involve the decision of both individuals to willingly participate. When this is the case, physical affection leading up to marriage and physical affection and sexual intimacy within marriage can strengthen relationships and build unity.
On the contrary, when agency is used to act upon others, disregarding their right to choose how and when to participate in either physical affection or sexual intimacy, such contact becomes an act of aggression that lacks respect for God’s standards and the other individual’s agency, feelings, and desires. Using physical contact for selfish gratification or as a tool to subjugate and manipulate another person is a sin that can cause lasting harm to individuals and relationships.
Honoring Agency in Dating and Courtship
Photograph from Getty Images
As our relationships develop through dating and courtship, one way we honor another’s agency is by asking for and receiving permission before we initiate any form of physical affection, such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing.
Pursuing physical affection or sexual intimacy without an individual’s consent—given willingly, freely, and clearly—violates that individual’s agency. Unwanted sexual contact is also legally defined as sexual assault in many countries. (For more on consent and assault, see the accompanying article, “Answers to Questions about Sexual Assault.”)
In addition, a gospel perspective helps us see that both our commitment to keep the law of chastity and our commitment to honor agency through consent are essential to help facilitate strong, eternal relationships. One commitment without the other is not sufficient. For example, on one hand, two individuals who honor each other’s agency by mutually consenting to sexual relations outside of marriage are still in violation of God’s law. On the other hand, even nonsexual physical contact without the permission of the other individual can violate that individual’s agency.
As we grow in our understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ, we can see how obeying God’s laws and honoring each other’s agency help us grow in unity and love and prepare us for a deeper, joyful physical relationship in marriage that can help us become more united and reach our divine potential.
Tenderness and Respect in Marriage
Honoring agency continues to be essential in marriage and is an important part of elevating sexual intimacy to meet the purpose of uniting husband and wife.
This kind of unity comes from giving, not taking; from love, not lust; from caring more about the welfare of the other than of self. “Tenderness and respect—not selfishness—should guide [our] intimate relationship[s].”4
Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and his wife, Ruth Lybbert Renlund, taught: “In marriage, sexual intimacy should unite wife and husband together in trust, devotion, and consideration for each other. Sexual relations within marriage must respect the agency of both partners and should not be used to control or dominate.”5
Marriage is a sacred relationship that requires spouses to strive for unity in many ways, including in their sexual relations. Marriage by itself does not absolve either partner of the need to communicate clearly about their desires or to respect each other’s level of comfort regarding sexual relations. Instead, these conversations are essential early in marriage and remain important for spouses to become one throughout their relationship as they learn and grow and as their circumstances change.
Sadly, we sometimes hear that one marriage partner thinks he or she has the right to force or insist that the other person engage in sexual behavior. As we keep our covenants as husband and wife, we should not do things that make our spouse uncomfortable or offend the Spirit. Spouses resolve differences in their desires about frequency or type of sexual activity through counseling together rather than through force or pressure.
When we engage in sexual intimacy within the divinely appointed bonds of marriage, with kindness, respect, and a commitment to honor each other’s agency, we can become more Christlike and more united as spouses, focusing on what is best for the other and in harmony with the will of God.