Digital Only: Young Adults
4 Truths to Remember about Comparing Your Marriage
What can we do when we feel like our marriage isn’t measuring up to our expectations?
In ancient times, Jehovah sought to protect His people from the dangers of comparison with this beautifully direct commandment: “Thou shalt not covet” (Exodus 20:17). With perfect wisdom, He understood that the natural man or woman was prone to look at life through a lens of comparison against others—a lens that could distort the view of one’s own life so much that the only result would be unhappiness.
Comparison’s power to bring discontentment to us as individuals, and to our marriages, has not faded with time. In fact, with social media—which allows carefully curated lifestyles to be broadcast to us every moment of every day—the temptation to compare our lives against others’ has never been greater. Suddenly, the money that we make, the state of our home, or the closeness of our marriage can seem not quite enough.
Take a moment to consider whether comparison is impacting your marriage or personal happiness.
Why Do We Compare?
Our tendency to compare usually happens when we’re struggling. If our marriage is going through a difficult patch (as even healthy marriages do), it’s common to worry if our circumstance is “fair” or even “normal.” We naturally look to other relationships we see in movies or in real life to determine if our own relationship measures up.
But this really isn’t helpful because what we see in media is fictional, and on social media we have a very limited view of what others might be going through. Comparisons can impact our idea of what our own relationship “should” be like.
We need to remember that each of us is a unique individual. Each marriage is unique. If we begin to believe that our spouse “should” be different than who they are or that our marriage “should” look more like someone else’s, we can create unrealistic expectations that only increase our suffering during hard times.
What can we focus on to maintain hope and find increased enjoyment in our unique relationships? Consider these truths to help you see your marriage through an eternal lens rather than through the lens of comparison:
Know That Marriage Is a Refining Experience
Remember that it’s OK to struggle in marriage. Marriage is work! As President Russell M. Nelson has said: “Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.”1 The work of marriage is all about learning to navigate life together and continually striving to become just a little less imperfect.
So, naturally, there will be many missteps along the way, but this doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your marriage! (Note: Any form of abuse falls well outside acceptable standards. Abuse is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.) Because of Jesus Christ, your covenant marriage has room for repentance, second chances, forgiveness, and continuous learning and refinement.
Assume the Best
Practice assuming the best about your spouse and yourself. When you assume that you both love and adore each other and want each other to be happy, much of the desire to assess who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong evaporates. This assumption of inherent goodness allows each partner to approach the relationship in a much more Christlike way, and over time, your marriage will be greatly blessed. Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1915–1994) reminded us: “True love is a process. True love requires personal action.”2
Focus on the Present
If you find your mind often focuses on past events in your relationship, it’s likely because you are trying to prove to yourself that your spouse or marriage is dangerously flawed. And dwelling too much on the future means worrying about every disastrous outcome that could befall your marriage if things continue as they are.
Instead, zoom in your lens to the present to focus on the one thing you have control over—striving to be more like the Savior. Becoming a more Christlike spouse isn’t easy, but the process is so worth it!
As you come unto Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for guidance and are blessed with qualities like increased patience and a greater ability to forgive, your marriage will blossom!
Rely on Heavenly Support
Finally, remember that you and your spouse don’t have to navigate married life alone. When you make and keep covenants with God and your spouse, you have deeper connection and access to Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father for help and guidance in keeping your relationship strong.
God and Jesus Christ are your perfect partners in marriage! They know exactly what you and your spouse need at any given moment. When you turn to Them, They will consecrate every hard time you endure for the good of your marriage.
This knowledge can help you and your spouse reframe the fears and disappointments you experience as opportunities for you to increase your reliance on the Lord. It may be scary to let ideas of comparison go and to trust the Lord instead, but this is the core of faith.
Only One Opinion Matters
The Lord has said, “Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you” (Moroni 7:26). What greater “good” is there than two people striving to make their marriage eternal and celestial?
The Lord knows your righteous desires and will bless you and your faithful efforts to improve your marriage and change your perspective!
Elder J. Devn Cornish, when he was a member of the Seventy, shared this truth: “The only opinion of us that matters is what our Heavenly Father thinks of us. Please sincerely ask Him what He thinks of you. He will love and correct but never discourage us; that is Satan’s trick.”3
You are a unique child of God who is perfectly known and loved.
So is your spouse.
Our Heavenly Father and our Savior do not pit us against each other to compete or compare. They know exactly what our unique strengths and flaws are and where we are in our progression. When we turn to Them in faith, They have perfect power to work with us exactly where we are, and They can make our marriages greater and more joyful than we can begin to imagine!