How Can I Be Empathetic without Becoming Overwhelmed?

By Chakell Wardleigh Herbert

Church Magazines

Sometimes I feel like what I try to give to others still isn’t enough.

My sister was in the hospital after surgical complications.

My friend had a devastating miscarriage.

Another friend was facing limiting effects of an autoimmune disease.

Both my mom and mother-in-law were both facing recurring health challenges.

My parents’ beloved dog passed away.

Other loved ones were plagued with mental health issues.

A few more were undergoing taxing fertility treatments.

My cousin unexpectedly passed away.

And another person I care about was struggling with her faith.

All within a few weeks.

I was feeling my loved ones’ problems like they were my own. I felt the crushing weight of looming helplessness—because no matter how much I offered my love and support, I couldn’t fix their problems.

I am a helper. And believe it or not, this can be a toxic trait in some instances. By wanting to help everyone solve their problems, I sometimes stretch myself too far. I neglect my own needs. I measure my worth based on how much I have served others. Even after I offer support, I often feel like I still haven’t done enough.

As disciples of Jesus Christ, we are all encouraged to love our neighbors (see Matthew 22:39) and to “bear one another’s burdens” (Mosiah 18:8). But it can be difficult to know how to be empathetic without becoming too overwhelmed with other people’s problems and feeling helpless.

Thankfully, we also know “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength” (Mosiah 4:27). I’m learning a lot about how to offer Christlike empathy and support to those I love without feeling helpless and overwhelmed.

Know That Empathy Is Stepping In and Stepping Out

When someone shares their struggles with me, I try to put myself in their shoes and understand their point of view.

But the problems come when I (metaphorically) forget to take their shoes off. I often continue to dwell on the challenges of my loved ones to the point where I feel helpless and disheartened. At the time when everyone around me was struggling, I was wearing dozens of my loved ones’ figurative shoes and neglecting my needs as I scrambled to do everything I could to help them.

I’m learning that healthy empathy is, as social-science researcher Brené Brown teaches, “understanding what someone is feeling, not feeling it for them. If someone is feeling lonely, empathy doesn’t require us to feel lonely too, only to reach back into our own experience with loneliness so we can understand and connect.”¹

Empathy isn’t about fixing others’ challenges—it is helping them realize they have support as they face them. Sister J. Anette Dennis, First Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency, has taught, “When we seek to empathize with others who also experience challenges and imperfections, it can help them feel that they are not alone in their struggles.”²

I’m learning that I can listen to, support, and sit with someone in their struggle, but I do not have to take on their challenge as my constant companion. I can “mourn with those that mourn” (Mosiah 18:9), but I also need to step back into my own shoes and take charge of my own challenges and responsibilities. I have to take care of myself if I’m going to have any energy and compassion left to give others!

Focus on Loving, Not Fixing

I’ve learned that offering support and compassion doesn’t require extravagant efforts to fix problems. Simply reminding others of your and Heavenly Father’s love can do wonders. Sister Susan H. Porter, Primary General President, taught, “When you know and understand how completely you are loved as a child of God, it changes everything.”³

For example, a few months ago, a loved one was struggling with her faith. One night she tearfully explained her feelings to me. I wanted her to believe in the gospel so badly and to fix every doubt she had.

In my preferred reality, I would answer every question perfectly, and we would both leave the conversation with a sense of renewed faith and joy, complete with sunshine and rainbows!

But I knew that wasn’t likely.

So I said a prayer in my heart to know how to help her. And I felt a distinct impression from the Spirit:

Just listen.

Through listening, I let go of my instinct to fix and instead saw that she simply needed to know that she is loved. I testified of the love I and Heavenly Father have for her. And although that conversation didn’t end with her renewed faith, it did end with a renewed sense of Heavenly Father’s perfect love—which is often the greatest help we can offer those who are struggling.

Remember the Role of the Savior

When I am feeling burnout from watching those I love suffer, I have to remind myself that while I can’t resolve the pain of everyone I care about, there is someone who can.

Jesus Christ “descended below all things” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:6)—meaning He suffered for and understands all the pains, afflictions, and unfairness we face—including all the specific challenges and accompanying emotions of my loved ones I mentioned above.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once said: “Our best and most selfless services are often not adequate to comfort or encourage in the way people need. … But Christ can help. God the Father can help. The Holy Ghost can help, and we need to keep trying to be Their agents, helping when and where we can.”⁴

I am not the Savior.

I don’t have the capacity to be there for every person who needs a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or instant solutions to their challenges.

I am simply one of Christ’s disciples.

I can share inklings of His love and shed glimmers of His light in darkening corners of the world.

I can help others come unto Christ and can remind them of His atoning sacrifice when what I give isn’t sufficient, because “[His] grace is sufficient” (Ether 12:27).

Hold to Hope

I am grateful for my inherent desire to care deeply about Heavenly Father’s children. I am starting to see that it’s a strength that offers me just a glimpse of the perfect love the Savior and Heavenly Father have for each of us.

And trust me, if the love I feel is just a fragment of what They feel, then Their love truly is incomprehensible.

The Savior knows fully how to succor both my sorrows and the sorrows of those I love. He gives me strength to serve and support them.

I’m grateful for the infinite hope Jesus Christ offers us in “good things to come” (Hebrews 9:11)—for the day when all the seemingly unfixable parts of life will be resolved through Him.

I can’t wait for that day.

But until then, what I give, combined with what He gives, will always be enough.