Responding Well to a Child’s Pornography Use

September 2023

“Responding Well to a Child’s Pornography Use,” Liahona, Sept. 2023, United States and Canada Section.

Responding Well to a Child’s Pornography Use

By Alyssa Brown

Clinical Psychology PhD student, Brigham Young University

How do you help your children if they struggle with pornography use?

two adult faces looking at a child

What do you do if your child discloses that he or she struggles with pornography use? Some parents might feel angry at themselves or their child; others may feel gratitude for their child’s honesty; and many may feel unprepared to help their child. This article will provide some suggestions to consider as you seek to better understand and work through this struggle.

Focus on Love and Hope

One of the best things you can do if your child discloses pornography use is to not respond immediately but instead listen without judgment.¹ This may be easier said than done. When a child discloses pornography use, it is common for a parent’s mind to start racing and envision the worst possible outcome. Remember that your child is a beloved child of God. If your child came to you, he or she likely has a desire to change, so there is hope for growth and progress. The Lord will partner with you and your child as you seek direction on steps to take, lessons to learn, and Christlike ways to respond to this challenge.

After you listen, express love and compassion to your child. Thank him or her for being honest and for having the courage to approach you. Your child needs you to be a safe place where he or she can find love, especially when he or she stumbles. It is not uncommon for children and youth to feel ashamed of their pornography use, and many may question their worthiness of love as they grow into adults.² This is why it is so important to express love and gratitude for their coming to you.

After viewing pornography, some children may feel guilt or remorse. Others may feel shame, identifying themselves as “bad” because of what they have done, equating themselves with their behavior. Guilt is a healthier response that helps individuals see that they are not their behavior, which helps promote positive change.

As you have ongoing discussions with your child, keep an eye out for indicators for what he or she may be feeling about himself or herself and the pornography use. By listening to the way he or she talks about the pornography use, you may hear evidences of guilt (“I’ve done something wrong, and I feel bad about it”), shame (“I am a bad person”), or loneliness. You may also hear evidence of hope, patience, forgiveness, and a willingness to change. You will better know how to respond to your child when you understand these feelings about the pornography use.

Pornography use can be a temporary distraction from negative feelings, especially shame. However, those who use pornography to distract themselves and suppress their feelings of shame will ultimately find their shame growing. Individuals may begin to feel out of control as they repeatedly use pornography to distract themselves from and suppress their deepening feelings of shame.³ As a result, they may also feel lonely and isolated from their parents, peers, and those who love them, and that very loneliness can reinforce their desire to use pornography.⁴

Children using pornography may need outside help to reaffirm their worth.⁵ This outside help can come from you, a trusted Church leader, or a mental health professional. Showing your child love in the middle of the struggle with pornography can combat his or her loneliness and affirm his or her worth. Your love for your child becomes a model of compassion and can help him or her learn to exercise self-compassion and challenge the reason he or she turned to pornography in the first place. (You might ponder what the following verses teach about how God feels about the suffering of His children: Micah 7:18–19; Luke 10:30–37; Romans 8:35, 37–39; 2 Nephi 4:20–24.)

If you as a parent feel shame borne from your child’s pornography use, you might feel tempted to reject or punish your child. The resources recommended to help your child overcome shame (such as love and support from others) will help you overcome yours as well. Reach out to the Lord, who will teach you to be patient, kind, and gentle with yourself as you learn to extend compassion to yourself. The Lord wants you to learn to overcome any feelings of shame so you can lovingly help your child.

Teach the Sacredness of Sexual Intimacy

While it is important to directly address the dangers of pornography, it is important to focus on the light and truth of the gospel. President Boyd K. Packer (1924–2015), President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught, “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.”⁶ Or, as Alma did, “try the virtue of the word of God” (Alma 31:5). To help your child overcome pornography use, discuss with him or her the divine nature of sexual feelings and intimacy.

Using age-appropriate terms, teach him or her that sexual feelings are God-given and are an inherent part of each of us. Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explained: “Our purpose in mortality is to become like our heavenly parents. Our divine understanding and use of sexual intimacy are essential to that process of becoming.”⁷ Sexual feelings are from God and therefore are not shameful, but God has commanded that His children reserve sexual expression for marriage. When used within the bounds the Lord has set, “physical intimacy between husband and wife is intended to be beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife.”⁸ Your enthusiasm about the goodness, sacredness, and purposes of sexual feelings, not just focusing on the responsibility to manage them, will help your children approach the subject positively—not fearfully.

Children with parents who are willing to talk about sexual feelings with them early in life tend to feel more comfortable approaching their parents for more information. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that parents have the “opportunity for … ongoing influence. Peers, teachers, and media influencers come and go. But [parents] can be the most constant, steady influence in [their children’s lives].”⁹

You may find these resources helpful as you approach these conversations:

Devotional: Jeffrey R. Holland, “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments” (Brigham Young University, Jan. 12, 1988), speeches.byu.edu
Guidebook: For the Strength of Youth: A Guide for Making Choices (2022)
Video: “What Should I Do When I See Pornography?,” ChurchofJesusChrist.org
Home evening lesson: “Sexual Intimacy Is Sacred and Beautiful,” Help for Parents, ChurchofJesusChrist.org

When talking with your child about sexual feelings, he or she may wonder whether and to what degree feeling arousal is normal. Assure your child that experiencing arousal and desire in some degree is normal and healthy as he or she matures into adulthood. As with other emotions (such as anger, joy, disappointment, frustration, and so on), your child is tasked in this life to learn to respond well to feelings. Guide your child away from believing that he or she is powerless to act against sexual desires. Help your child distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate responses to sexual feelings, as you would with other emotions. Teach your child that practicing restraint in response to sexual desire will prepare him or her for an improved relationship with his or her spouse.

Address the Underlying Feelings

In addition to being harmful in its own right, pornography use can also indicate deeper, less visible issues.¹⁰ Pornography use may be a sign of an emotional need. Children who use pornography might not want or know how to handle their unpleasant emotions (such as boredom, stress, and sadness). Instead, they use pornography to distract themselves and experience a rush of endorphins.¹¹ Some parents may find that although their child knows that looking at pornography is wrong, he or she will continue to use it because it provides temporary relief. These children need healthy alternatives to address their emotions.

As you counsel with your child, try to discern the emotions that immediately precede her or his use. The right intervention for your child will vary based on the emotions she or he struggles with. For instance, if your child looked at pornography because of curiosity, she or he may need a simple course correction. Alternatively, if your child looked at pornography to distract from deep sadness, you may want to consider that sadness’s source, both chemical and environmental, and brainstorm coping mechanisms that are available to the child. If you feel overwhelmed helping your child learn how to manage emotions in a positive way, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.

Let the Savior’s Love Light the Way

You can find inspiration in the Lord’s example. Note how He treated the woman who had been taken in adultery. Jesus spoke to her accusers, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7). He did not condemn the woman but invited her to “go, and sin no more” (verse 11). The Lord is profoundly aware of our personal challenges and circumstances. He doesn’t desire to condemn but to help and heal His children.

One common phrase used to describe Jesus’s motives is “moved with compassion” (Matthew 9:36; Mark 1:41). He offers “living water” (John 4:10) to all who thirst for it and need compassion, which is all of us. President Russell M. Nelson promised relief and peace to those who make and keep covenants with God and embrace the doctrine of Christ: “You can overcome the spiritually and emotionally exhausting plagues of the world … [and] find true rest—meaning relief and peace—even amid your most vexing problems.”¹² Seek the Spirit and the presence of the Lord, who will help you practice compassion not only for your child but for yourself as well.

The Lord has said “the worth of souls is great” in His sight (Doctrine and Covenants 18:10). His whole work is to help see us home to Him after our sojourn on this earth is complete (see Moses 1:39). Part of that journey is learning to use our agency wisely while being subjected to a mortal experience filled with temptations. God never forgets our infinite potential, even when we sin. Remember your child’s infinite potential and that help and healing are possible. Stay close to God and seek out loved ones, spiritual leaders, or professionals as you feel prompted.

Reconsider the Label “Addicted”

One common misconception is that viewing pornography is the same as being addicted to it. President Dallin H. Oaks, First Counselor in the First Presidency, explained that “not everyone who uses pornography willfully is addicted to it. In fact, most young men and young women who struggle with pornography are not addicted.”¹³

Individuals who habitually use pornography may mistake their habit with an addiction, especially when they morally disapprove of their own behavior.¹⁴ Those with high moral standards may mislabel their habit as an addiction to avoid the guilt or shame that might accompany their bad habit.

When people wrongly label their habit as an addiction, they may become discouraged as they try to make changes, diminishing their feeling of power to combat their behavior. Instead, when pornography use is seen for what it is—perhaps occasional use or a bad habit—it can help them retain their feeling of power to address it. Any pornography use is serious, but assure your child that using pornography is not the same thing as being addicted to it.

One resource to understand these levels of pornography use is this article by Brian Willoughby, a professor at Brigham Young University: “Finding Hope and Love When Battling Pornography,” Liahona, Aug. 2023, 8–13.