Lesson 4

What behaviors will help my children increase in resilience?

The purpose of this lesson is to give you the tools you need to help your children increase in resilience and in their ability to adapt to change.

Resources

Following is a list of resources that you can use to study this topic.

• Thomas S. Monson, “Finding Joy in the Journey,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2008, 84–88

• Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Power of a Personal Testimony,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2006, 37–39

• Lyle J. Burrup, “Raising Resilient Children,” Ensign, Mar. 2013, 12–15

• Cheryl A. Esplin, “Teaching Our Children to Understand,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2012, 10–12

• “10 Tips for Building Your Family’s Resilience,” MilitaryOneSource.mil

• Proverbs 22:6; Doctrine and Covenants 68:25–31—Responsibilities of parents

• Doctrine and Covenants 1:25–28—Chastening helps us improve

Videos:

• “Strengthened in the Lord,” LDS.org

• “Parenting: Touching the Hearts of Our Youth,” Mormon Messages, LDS.org

• “Anchoring Children in the Scriptures,” LDS.org

Learning outline

Consider the role that change plays in our lives and relationships. President Thomas S. Monson said:

“Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly” (“Finding Joy in the Journey,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2008, 84).

Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said:

“There is nothing so unchanging, so inevitable as change itself. The things we see, touch, and feel are always changing. Relationships between friends, husband and wife, father and son, brother and sister are all dynamic, changing relationships. There is a constant that allows us to use change for our own good, and that constant is the revealed eternal truths [from] our Heavenly Father” (“Progress through Change,” Ensign, Nov. 1979, 61).

What are some of the experiences you have had with change? What made some changes difficult?

What are some of the blessings you have received from change?

Take a few minutes to think about how your children have dealt with the changes they have experienced. List some of the successes you have had in helping your children deal with change.

What differences in adaptability have you noticed among your children of different ages?

Principle 1: Helping your children develop testimonies of the gospel will help them become more resilient.

Read Proverbs 22:6 and Doctrine and Covenants 93:40.

What did you learn about your responsibility as a parent from these scriptures?

Watch the video “Strengthened in the Lord.”

Think about your responsibilities as a parent. What can you do each day to help strengthen your children?

As your children learn to trust and rely on Heavenly Father, they will be able to adapt to change. A testimony of a loving and watchful Heavenly Father will help them learn who they can become and be optimistic about their future and trust that He will help them overcome challenges. In order for this to happen, your children will need to understand the gospel and the plan of salvation. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the First Presidency has given us some steps for how to gain a testimony of the gospel (see “The Power of a Personal Testimony,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2006, 37–39).

1. Desire to believe (see Alma 32:27).

2. Search the scriptures (see Alma 32:28).

3. Do the will of God and keep the commandments (see John 7:16–17).

4. Ponder, fast, and pray (see Moroni 10:3–4).

“Each kid has taken turns with emotional expression and distress. Their individual anxieties and the way they express them are valid and important. It’s like seeing a little smoke here and there and trying to tend to each one before it turns into a flame. It has been an intense two months since James left our home. [This experience has] stretched me beyond my ability, and there are certain times when I know distinctly that I have left the realm of my own power and have tapped into merciful, heavenly strength and endurance.”

—Martha Willis, wife of James E. Willis, U.S. Army

Sister Cheryl A. Esplin of the Primary General Presidency also taught about how to help our children understand gospel truths:

“Sometimes the most powerful way to teach our children to understand a doctrine is to teach in the context of what they are experiencing right at that moment. These moments are spontaneous and unplanned and happen in the normal flow of family life. They come and go quickly, so we need to be alert and recognize a teaching moment when our children come to us with a question or worry, when they have problems getting along with siblings or friends, when they need to control their anger, when they make a mistake, or when they need to make a decision” (“Teaching Our Children to Understand,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2012, 11).

When have you been able to apply gospel principles to a child’s specific circumstances? What did you learn from this experience?

Principle 2: Resilient children have the capacity to adapt to change.

Because opposition is a necessary part of the plan of salvation, your children will need to learn how to deal with challenges, difficulties, setbacks, and even tragedies. Practicing resilient behaviors with your children will give them the tools they need to cope with these challenges. Lyle J. Burrup of LDS Family Services wrote the following about helping children develop resilience:

“We know two things about adversity and resilience: First, there is ‘an opposition in all things’ (2 Nephi 2:11). Second, obtaining anything of worth often requires great sacrifice.

“As children become resilient, they understand and accept these two facts. They see life as challenging and ever changing, but they believe they can cope with those challenges and changes. They view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn, and they accept that losing may precede winning.

“As children develop resilience, they believe they can influence and even control outcomes in their lives through effort, imagination, knowledge, and skill. With this attitude, they focus on what they can do rather than on what is outside their control.

“Another mark of resilience is to see great purpose and meaning in life and people. A sense of purpose will help our children avoid giving up, in spite of setbacks and pressure to do so. If our children are becoming more resilient, they will develop deep values that guide them: charity, virtue, integrity, honesty, work ethic, and faith in God. They will involve themselves in what is happening around them and opt for commitment to values rather than feel alienated and avoid struggle” (Lyle J. Burrup, “Raising Resilient Children,” Ensign, Mar. 2013, 13–14).

“I still think it’s a lot harder sitting at home and wondering and not knowing. I think those who sacrifice the most are children and spouses who don’t know day to day whether we’re safe or whether we’re not. Every father, every mother, every husband, every child who has waved good-bye to their service member is a hero.”

—Gerald White, Army National Guard (USA)

(From Mandy Morgan, “Military Families Fight to Stay Connected, Even on Father’s Day,” Deseret News, June 10, 2015, national.deseretnews.com.)

How can you teach your children these skills? What successes have you had?

What different methods have you used for children of various ages?

Have confidence that your children can increase in and develop resilient behaviors. Following are some ideas for how you can teach your children.

• “Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses. Pray to visualize who they are and who they can become.

• “Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.

• “Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.

• “Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.

• “Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.

• “Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.

• “Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.

• “Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort” (Lyle J. Burrup, “Raising Resilient Children,” 15).

• Praise your children more than you correct them. “Praise them for even their smallest achievements” (Ezra Taft Benson, “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107).

Review the triangle diagram from the previous lesson. Add your children to the bottom line of the triangle. Always remember that as you help your family draw closer to the Savior, you will also help each other draw closer together as a family.

Watch the video “Parenting: Touching the Hearts of Our Youth.”

How can you improve the way you interact with your children?

Decide to act

What two principles do you want to practice this week that will improve how you interact with your children?

What activity can you do with your children to help them develop resilience?

End of the week

What did you learn from this experience?

Summary of Key Points from Lesson 4

1. Opposition and change are necessary in the plan of salvation. Help your children see themselves as part of the plan.

2. Children will be able to adapt to change when they have an understanding of the gospel and practice resilient behaviors.

3. Parents can teach their children the gospel by applying it to their children’s current experiences.

4. Parents can teach their children resilient behaviors by practicing those behaviors themselves and by helping their children see challenges as opportunities.

5. As your family draws closer to the Savior, you will also draw closer to one another.

Notes