“Session Eight: Teaching Responsible Behavior,” Strengthening the Family: Resource Guide for Parents (2002)

“Session Eight,” Strengthening the Family

Session Eight

Teaching Responsible Behavior

“Those who do too much for their children will soon find they can do nothing with their children.”

Elder Neal A. Maxwell

Parents have a sacred duty to teach their children to obey the commandments of God and the rules of home and society.

How successful have you been in teaching responsible behavior to your children?
In what ways can you teach appropriate behavior more effectively?

Teaching Children Properly

The Lord has instructed Church members to teach their children to be prayerful and obedient, to have faith in Christ, to repent of sins, to be baptized and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, and to be industrious (see D&C 68:25–32). Parents are to “bring up [their] children in light and truth” (D&C 93:40), because “light and truth forsake that evil one” (D&C 93:37). The Lord rebuked some early Church leaders for not teaching their children properly (see D&C 93:42–44, 47–48).

Some parents fail to teach their children appropriately because they do not understand or fail to apply good parenting practices and gospel principles. Parents tend to rear their children in much the same way they themselves were raised. Some parents are overly permissive and others excessively controlling. Many are so preoccupied with other matters that they neglect their responsibility to teach their children.

The time to begin teaching your children is when they are very young. The writer of Proverbs counseled, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Children are born with a natural desire to learn. Parents can use this curiosity to their advantage, imparting through words and example what children need for successful living.

Teach by Example

Elder Delbert L. Stapley of the Quorum of the Twelve extolled the value of teaching by example: “A wise man, when asked to list three cardinal points that exemplified the lives of the great teachers of all time and that would be a guide to new teachers, said: ’First, teach by example. Second, teach by example. Third, teach by example.’ “ President Thomas S. Monson of the First Presidency explained that Jesus “taught forgiveness by forgiving. He taught compassion by being compassionate. He taught devotion by giving of Himself. Jesus taught by example.”

Teach children by deed as well as by word. You will have a good influence on them when you teach them to live righteously and responsibly and when your life is in harmony with your teachings. You cannot teach principles you do not know or understand. Study the scriptures, and learn and apply gospel principles in your own life.

Give Your Children Responsibilities

Many parents tend to overindulge their children and shield them from the responsibilities they once had to go through—experiences that helped them become capable adults. When parents dole out goods and services for their children while requiring little in return, their children lose the motivation to become self-reliant and responsible. Instead, they tend to become lazy, selfish, and self-indulgent. Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve taught: “Those who do too much for their children will soon find they can do nothing with their children.”

Teach your children to work alongside you, starting when they are young and have a natural desire to help. Assign your children routine chores according to their abilities. Family work activities “can become daily rituals of family love and belonging.”

Teach your children to serve others. Elder Derek A. Cuthbert of the Seventy taught, “Wise parents will provide service opportunities in the home for their children from an early age.” Teach them to do their best and to try again if they fail.

Clarify Your Expectations

Sometimes parents assume their children know exactly what is expected of them. The parents feel disappointed when these unexpressed expectations are not met. Your children will learn better when you:

Have realistic expectations of them.
Share expectations clearly and lovingly.
Show by actions (consequences) that you are serious about the expectations.
Give recognition when they do what you have asked.

When sharing your expectations, you should:

Clarify in your mind what you want before making the request.
Choose a time when your children are not stressed, angry, or preoccupied.
Be positive and specific. (“When you put away your toys, I’d like you to put them in the box and then put the box on the shelf.”)
Demonstrate what you expect, if needed. (“Let me show you what I mean.”)

After the job has been completed, give positive feedback, telling the child how the action has benefited you and others.

Teach Responsible Behavior One Step at a Time

In directing the spiritual development of His children, the Lord prescribed the teaching of basic doctrine—the milk—to prepare them for greater light and knowledge—the meat (see D&C 19:22). In a similar way, children need to be taught to perform simple actions that are stepping stones to the behavior expected of them as adults. Children may need progressive steps to learn such things as respecting others, using good manners, cleaning a room, or doing yard work. Behavior can be broken into simple, achievable tasks, according to the age and capabilities of the child. For example, a child can be taught to pick up toys before learning how to clean an entire room. With patience and ingenuity, parents can help their children become cooperative, helpful, and responsible individuals, preventing many problems as children mature.

Give Choices

Children, like adults, do not like to be ordered around. Ordering a child to “pick up the room right now” usually provokes resistance, such as “I’ll do it later.” Children cooperate more readily when they can choose between two acceptable alternatives: “I would like you to pick up your clothes before you go out to play this afternoon. Would you like to pick them up now before the bus comes, or as soon as you come home from school?” The options are limited, but children can make a choice, which helps them take responsibility.

When you allow your children to choose, ensure that the choices you offer are acceptable to you. For example, if you say to your teenager, “You can mow the lawn now, or you can forget about using the car tomorrow night,” the child may choose to forego the car and go with friends instead. The child gets what he wants, and the lawn remains unmowed—an unacceptable outcome to you. It is better to say, “You can mow the lawn today, or you can clean the garage for me so I’ll have time to mow the lawn.” In this case, both options are acceptable to you, and the child has a choice.

The choices should not involve punishment: “You can mow the lawn now, or you are grounded for a month.” This statement offers no real choice (“You must do as I say or I’ll punish you”) and will provoke feelings of resentment.

Engage in Family Activities

Your teaching efforts will be enhanced as you engage in family activities. Children who work and play alongside you are more likely to incorporate your teachings and example in their lives. Plan activities that are meaningful and enjoyable for everyone. Even work can be satisfying when you foster good relationships with your children.

The Value of Teaching Responsible Behavior

President James E. Faust of the First Presidency emphasized the importance of teaching responsible behavior to children: “If parents do not discipline their children and teach them to obey, society may discipline them in a way neither the parents nor the children will like. … Without discipline and obedience in the home, the unity of the family collapses.” Greater peace and happiness will come to your family as you lovingly teach your children to obey the commandments of God and the rules of home and society.

Practice

Consider the needs of your children in learning responsible behavior. From the principles in this session, select one that seems appropriate for each child. When you have successfully applied it, select another one if needed.

Additional Study

Study these scriptures, and consider how they apply to your family.