“Session Two: Understanding Child Development,” Strengthening the Family: Resource Guide for Parents (2002)
“Session Two,” Strengthening the Family
Session Two
Understanding Child Development
Gradual progress is essential to healthy childhood development. as a parent, you can help by providing a secure, nurturing environment.
Some children develop problems because their parents have inappropriate and unreasonable expectations of them. Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of Twelve declared that “a tutoring God may require difficult things of His children” but He “would never command His children to do difficult things, except [He] first prepares the way (see 1 Nephi 3:7).” Heavenly Father does not expect impossible things from His children; mortal parents should not expect the impossible from them either.
-
Is it possible that you expect too much or too little of your children?
-
What developmental information might help you rear your children successfully?
Paced Progress
Scriptures suggest an orderly progression in life, including physical and spiritual development. John bore record that Jesus Christ “received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness” (D&C 93:13). Gradual progress is essential to healthy child development. As a parent, you can help by providing a secure, nurturing environment in which your children can learn and progress.
Readiness is a key concept to keep in mind as your children grow and develop. You will prevent many problems if you allow them to acquire skills at their own pace. Try to adapt to each child’s needs rather than to make the child adjust to your expectations.
Developmental Stages
Social-emotional development may be seen as a series of stages that occur around certain ages. You will be more effective if you understand them. Do not be concerned if your children do not match these general descriptions exactly. Children have unique personalities and develop at different rates.
Learning to Trust (Infancy)
When you recognize and lovingly respond to your newborn baby’s cues for hunger and distress, your baby learns to trust you and develops confidence that you will respond to his or her needs in the future. Your baby will form an attachment to you and will feel secure in his or her environment. Your love for the child will also grow.
When parents fail to respond to a child’s needs, the child feels insecure and anxious and has difficulty learning to trust others.
Developing Independence (Ages 1 to 3)
The term “terrible twos” is often used to characterize the vigorous exertions of children to be independent. (Independent behavior often does not begin until about age two.) At this time children begin to learn self-control, including bowel and bladder functioning, and how to cope with the world. In this stage, children learn to run, feed themselves, drink from a cup, pull toys, open doors, climb on furniture, and wash and dry hands. By age two, they are often quite rigid and demanding and have difficulty adapting or waiting for what they want. Most go through this stage no matter how they are raised.
You can help by being patient, by allowing your child to act independently within acceptable limits, and by giving choices (see session 8) as a way of preventing power struggles. Recognize that the phase is temporary but significant for your child. With help and understanding, your child can gain a sense of self-control that can lead to a lasting sense of self-respect and good will.
Organize your house so children can run and explore without hurting themselves or damaging anything. Enjoy them, spend time with them, teach them how to play with others, and read to them at bedtime. Be firm but loving when disciplining them. Saying “no” should not require an explanation. “Because I said so” is usually sufficient for children at this stage.
These early formative years are an ideal time to begin spiritual instruction because children are eager to learn.
Channeling Initiative (Ages 3 to 6)
During these years, children have a surplus of energy and try to learn and master tasks that will bring a sense of competence and connection to their world. Childhood fantasies are often exaggerated, involving themes of power and aggression, and may result in the child feeling bad. When positive outlets are unavailable, the child may feel powerless, unhappy, and anxious.
By age four, most children can hop, stand on one foot, ride a tricycle, kick a ball, and go up and down stairs unassisted. They begin to play cooperatively, ask many questions, and engage in fantasy play. They sometimes break rules and defy parents but are often surprisingly responsive when given latitude.
By age six, most can ride a bike, tie their shoes, bounce and bat a ball, and count to 100. Many are emotional at this age, expressing variations of love and resentment. They tend to take center stage but lack a secure sense of who they are. They like to get their way. They can be rude and argumentative when told to do something.
You can help by being patient and loving, using firmness while allowing children to test themselves within clearly defined boundaries. Set up rules to provide structure for watching television, doing chores, completing homework, and going to bed.
Use choices and consequences for behavior problems. Spend time with children, read to them, and take an interest in their activities at home and school. Arrange time for them to explore, run outdoors, and play with others.
Learning to Be Industrious (Ages 6 to 12)
This stage begins when the child enters school and continues to the onset of puberty. The child feels pleasure and develops confidence through learning, getting good grades, and developing skills. The child enters the social culture and feels acceptable and productive when able to compare favorably with others. When the child does not compare favorably, he or she often feels inferior. The outcome of this phase is significant. Those who become industrious often greet life’s challenges with optimism. Those who do not become industrious sometimes withdraw into self-defeating behavior patterns.
By age eight, children have a basic sense of right and wrong. They can usually write, and they often have a sense of humor. They are usually very active and social and have a best friend. They want to “take on the world.”
By age 10, preadolescence begins. These children tend to be calm, compliant, and easy to get along with. They are often social, cooperative, and industrious and helpful at home. They value their parents and the opinions of their friends. They enjoy group activities at church and school. By age 12, many girls begin puberty. Overall, these children get along well at home and school, but many experience emotional and behavioral roller coasters, bouncing from childhood to adolescence and back again, being responsible and irresponsible, testing rules and depending on them. Appearance becomes important. Friendships may change abruptly.
You can help your children foster an interest in achievement when you take an interest in their activities and give recognition for jobs well done. Join with them in projects and activities, and help them succeed. Take time to listen, to help them solve problems, and to teach them how to resolve conflicts. Attend the events in which they participate. Involve them in establishing family rules, expectations, limits, and consequences. Give them increasing work responsibilities. Limit television watching. Get to know their friends, and encourage them to invite their friends to your home. Do not criticize their friends.
Seeking Independence and a Sense of Identity (Ages 12 to 18)
With the onset of puberty, children’s bodies change rapidly. Sexual feelings surface. These children want to become equal to and independent from others, particularly their parents.
By age 14, most children are insecure about themselves, their bodies, and their acceptability. They tend to be idealistic, impulsive, and intense, wanting everything now. They are often self-centered, moody, and argumentative, having more conflict with their parents, whom they see as old-fashioned. Many don’t like to be seen with their parents in public.
By age 16, most girls have gone through puberty, and many boys are well on their way. They tend to be more secure in their identity but are still sorting through values and beliefs, seeking a clearer sense of self. They are sensitive to social norms and peer groups. They may still continue to test rules and question authority.
Parents sometimes feel threatened as their teens strive for independence. Instead of feeling threatened, try to feel grateful for your teenagers’ desire to become self-reliant. Relinquish control gradually, allowing your teenagers progressively to manage their lives. Use limits and consequences when behavior is unacceptable. Encourage your children to think for themselves. Make an effort to accept their traits without becoming defensive or rejecting. Remain calm and consistent when confronted with their emotional intensity.
Be available to listen and help when your children are willing to talk, offering suggestions to help them regulate their lives. Pay attention to sadness and depression they might experience. Listen to their struggles and challenges. Teach them ways to deal with peer pressure. Don’t be offended if they do not want to be around you. Expect compliance with family rules. Choose battles wisely, and impose consequences when needed. Don’t expect perfection.
Realistic Expectations
The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve taught: “In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters … accepted [God’s] plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life.” For most people, this progress includes the stages of infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. As parents, you can help your children through these stages, preparing them for the challenges of life. Realistic expectations and paced progress should be guiding principles in this process. Get to know your children, and treasure them as unique individuals. Show them the love that Father in Heaven extends to all of us.
Practice
Review the developmental principles and determine how you can apply them to help your children reach their potential. Consider age-appropriate activities such as reading stories, playing with them, showing interest in what they do, providing learning opportunities, working with them, and establishing boundaries. Take advantage of teaching moments.
Additional Study
Study these scriptures, and consider how they apply to your family.