“Session Six: Overcoming Anger,” Strengthening the Family: Resource Guide for Parents (2002)
“Session Six,” Strengthening the Family
Session Six
Overcoming Anger
“Who can calculate the wounds inflicted, their depth and pain, by harsh and mean words spoken in anger?”
President Gordon B. Hinckley
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “Temper is a vicious and corrosive thing that destroys affection and casts out love.”
To what extent do angry feelings damage your relationship with your children, spouse, or others?
What can you do to overcome feelings of anger?
The Problem with Anger
Most parents get angry at their children from time to time. Feelings of anger can serve a purpose, alerting parents that something is wrong and needs to be addressed; wise parents take appropriate action to prevent little problems from escalating. Sometimes problems are complex and beyond a simple solution. Children can be rebellious and disrespectful and may provoke angry feelings in their parents over and over again. Parents must not give in to angry feelings and retaliate in ways that escalate conflict.
Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy described anger as the “thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway, flare-ups in the sports arena, and domestic violence in homes.” President Gordon B. Hinckley warned of the tragic consequences of anger, asking, “Who can calculate the wounds inflicted, their depth and pain, by harsh and mean words spoken in anger?” Throughout the world, angry parents assault their children verbally, physically, and sexually.
Anger has been described as “the most seductive of the negative emotions.” Those who become angry almost always believe their anger is justified. Some people find that expressing their rage is satisfying and exhilarating. They feel powerful and superior when they intimidate others. However, anger is addictive. It damages those who fall victim to its seductive appeal. Angry parents may intimidate children into obedience, but the resulting behavioral changes are often temporary. Children who comply under duress are more likely to rebel later.
Causes of Anger
Anger often occurs when a person perceives a threat, injustice, or mistreatment. Anger builds when the person dwells on the situation, engaging in thoughts that are often highly distorted and exaggerated. For example, a parent may think that a child who comes home late is deliberately defying the parent, regardless of the reason. When you get angry, your body prepares for action. Your blood pressure increases, your muscles tense, your respiration increases, and your mind focuses on responding to the perceived provocation. In this state, you are more likely to explode physically or verbally, even over situations that you would normally disregard.
Overcoming Anger
Listed below are several principles for helping you overcome anger-related problems you may have. Read through the principles, and find the ones that work best for you.
Pray
Pray with real intent for help in overcoming angry feelings. Fasting and priesthood blessings can also help. To be most effective, priesthood blessings, prayers, and fasting should be combined with persistent effort to change.
Resolve Underlying Problems
Talk with your son or daughter and work out the problems that tend to provoke your anger. Parents and children can resolve most problems peacefully. For help, review the sessions in this manual on communication, solving conflict, and using consequences for disciplinary problems.
Take Responsibility for Your Anger
If you have an anger problem, you must acknowledge it and take responsibility for it before you can overcome it. Children may provoke you, but you are responsible for how you respond. You can learn to control your anger and respond in better ways.
Identify Your Anger Cycle
If you are chronically angry, you may engage in cyclical behavior that includes four phases. In the first phase, you may pretend that everything is normal, but anger lurks beneath the surface. This phase may be brief, or it may last for days or weeks or longer. The second phase involves anger build-up, where you focus on distorted, anger-producing thoughts and make plans to act on the anger. This phase also may last for days or weeks at a time. Phase three is the acting-out phase: you explode and demean and assault another person physically or verbally. Phase four is the downward-spiral phase, in which you feel guilty and ashamed and try to cover your outburst by being a “good” person. As your resolve breaks down, you repeat the cycle.
Keep an Anger Log
An anger log can help you learn to deal with anger more constructively. Write down the triggering event or person and the date and record the intensity of your anger on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being mild and 10 being severe. Record the thoughts that fed your anger, how you dealt with the anger (your success or failure to control it), what seemed to help, and what you could do better next time. Keeping an anger log will increase your awareness of your anger cycle. You can interrupt anger in the early stages, using the principles in this session.
Defuse Anger-Provoking Thoughts
Look for alternate explanations for the situations you get angry about. For example, the child who is rude to you may have had a difficult day at school. The child who defies you may feel accepted only by peers who engage in unacceptable behavior. Think of situations that bother you as problems that need to be resolved, not as threatening events that demand a dramatic, angry response. Work on changing your thoughts as soon as possible. People tend to become irrational after anger-buildup has occurred.
Raymond Novaco of the University of California at Irvine recommended the use of coping statements to defuse anger-provoking thoughts. Such statements could include: “I’m not going to gain anything by getting mad. If I get angry, I’ll pay a price I don’t want. I can’t assume the worst or jump to conclusions. I can reason this out.” Mentally rehearse such statements before you become angry so they will be available to you when the need arises.
Get Out of the Situation
The best time to act is when you notice that stress is increasing. As chemicals build in your body, your ability to reason and to control your behavior decreases. An enraged person often becomes irrational, possessing a false sense of power that fosters aggression, regardless of outcome or consequences.
Monitor your anger. Imagine a thermometer that measures your anger level. If you lose control at 80 degrees, get out of the situation before it gets that hot. Tell the child, “I’m getting angry. I need some time to cool down.” It’s not helpful to blame the child by saying, “You’re making me angry.”
Identify Activities that Calm You Down
Relaxing activities may include meditating, working, jogging, swimming, listening to music, reading a book, or praying.
Do not try to calm down by venting your anger or brooding over the incident. If you brood or vent, your anger will probably escalate. As you review the event in your mind again and again, you will most likely continue to exaggerate the situation. As you vent, you do the same, justifying in your mind the violent expression of your anger.
Share Underlying Feelings
Anger is often expressed in place of feelings of hurt, fear, embarrassment, or rejection. Some individuals hesitate to share these feelings, fearing they will show weakness or vulnerability. However, it often takes greater courage to be honest than to be angry. When you share underlying feelings, you resolve conflicts more easily. You will find that others are less defensive and more willing to work out problems. Your relationship with family members will improve.
Seek Spiritual Change
The process of coming unto Christ involves a spiritual transformation that results in peaceful, loving behavior. As Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve explained, when we become truly converted the “way we treat others becomes increasingly filled with patience, kindness, a gentle acceptance, and a desire to play a positive role in their lives.” Anger becomes less of an issue. Your bishop can assist you in developing a plan to increase spirituality.
Prevent Relapse
You can disrupt the anger cycle and prevent relapse by changing your thoughts and behavior and by using other intervention strategies described above. These strategies provide alternatives to anger. They may involve help from family, friends, co-workers, a bishop, or others. These strategies are most effective during the early phases of the anger cycle: the pretends-to-be-normal phase and the build-up phase.
The Peace of God
President Joseph F. Smith emphasized the importance of being kind to children instead of being angry: “When you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly; … weep with them if necessary. … Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly toward you. Use no lash and no violence, but … approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned.”
The Apostle Paul said, “The peace of God … passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7). Those who have struggled with anger know how liberating it is to feel peace and freedom from that emotion. As one person described it, “I used to walk around feeling like I wanted to hurt everyone I saw. Anger dominated my life. As I applied gospel principles and as I learned to think differently and to view others in a better way, my anger went away. Now I can enjoy being around others. I have my life back again.”
Practice
Develop a plan to resolve any anger problems in your life, using the principles in this session. Disrupt anger during the early stages of the anger cycle, before buildup occurs. Involve others in your plan, such as your family, friends, and bishop.
Additional Study
Study these scriptures, and consider how they apply to your family.