“Session Five: Fostering Confidence,” Strengthening the Family: Resource Guide for Parents (2002)
“Session Five,” Strengthening the Family
Session Five
Fostering Confidence
Children view themselves by how they are treated by others, especially parents and siblings. when they are loved and accepted, they tend to feel lovable and acceptable.
Confident children do better in life. They are healthier, more optimistic, socially comfortable, and emotionally secure than children who lack confidence. Children who lack confidence tend to be more anxious, self-conscious, socially inhibited, frustrated, fearful, and prone to failure.
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How confident are your children?
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What can you do to foster greater confidence in them?
The Need For Instilling Confidence
A successfully employed 24-year-old was reared in a loving home by parents who recognized her accomplishments and abilities. She did well in school, had many friends, and was involved in many school and church activities. Looking back on her life, she said: “I wasn’t afraid to try new things because I knew where I stood with God, my parents, and my close friends. They all encouraged me to do my best. The recognition I received at home was very important when I was young, but it became less important as I grew older because I came to know that God knows and loves me. I know that if I live righteously, according to His plan, the things that matter most will work out for me.”
Most parents would like their children to develop the level of confidence shown by this young woman. Children usually have confidence in some areas but lack confidence in others. A child may excel at school but feel extremely insecure socially or physically. Another may excel at sports but lack academic skills. Parents need to help children gain confidence in areas where they lack confidence.
Helping Children Develop Confidence
As you live the following principles, you will help your children gain confidence.
Treat Children with Love and Respect
Children tend to view themselves according to how they are treated by others, especially their parents and siblings. When they are loved and accepted, they tend to feel lovable and acceptable. When they are loved conditionally, they often feel valued only when they please others. When they are mistreated, children tend to feel insecure and worthless.
Disrespectful children are sometimes difficult to love. They tend to say and do things that trigger their parents’ anger and feelings of failure. Parents, in response, often say and do things that deepen the child’s sense of worthlessness and desire to rebel.
Jesus Christ effectively influenced others because he wisely chose the way He responded to them (see John 8:11). Church leaders and professionals are often able to help troubled individuals by listening without reacting, giving direction without preaching, and conveying love and support without rejecting. You too can convey love and respect, even when your children disobey.
Look for your children’s good qualities. Tell them that you love and appreciate them. Never say anything negative about them. Wisely impose consequences when they are disobedient. (Other sessions in this book focus on expressing love, listening, sharing expectations, offering choices, and imposing consequences in an appropriate way.)
Help Children Gain Faith in God
Children gain great confidence when they feel secure in their relationship with Heavenly Father and their ability to receive spiritual blessings, promises, and direction for their lives. Jesus Christ taught, “All things are possible to him that believeth” (Mark 9:23). Without faith, no one can have confidence. Confidence also comes from living a clean, virtuous life. Through the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Lord declared, “Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God” (D&C 121:45).
To help your children develop confidence in the Lord, you should strive to live a faithful, virtuous life, demonstrating your own faith. Your children learn best when you live an exemplary life. You should “bring up your children in light and truth” (D&C 93:40), making spiritual activities a part of everyday life (family prayer, scripture study, gospel discussion, and Church participation).
Help Children Develop Personal Integrity
Children have been given the light of Christ (see John 1:9; Moroni 7:16; D&C 93:2) and are able to discern right from wrong. As children listen to their conscience and follow their own best judgment, they become less vulnerable to others and more confident in themselves and their ability to make good decisions. While children must be taught to heed the wise counsel of parents and Church leaders, they must also learn to think for themselves and develop confidence in their own ability to manage their lives. This ability grows as children mature, as they gain experience, and as they learn to follow the light of Christ by making correct choices. Parents can encourage growth by helping their children learn to evaluate their own thoughts and actions.
When your child approaches you with a problem, encourage him or her, at a level the child understands, to consider personal convictions about the matter. Ask appropriate questions, such as “How do you feel about it?” “Do you approve of the way that you’ve handled the problem?” “You’ve told me what your friends think is right, but I’m interested in what you think.” “What is the proper thing to do?”
When you ask children to evaluate their behavior, you should do it in a calm, nonaccusing, noncondemning way. If you sound harsh or judgmental, your child is more likely to focus on your reaction rather than on personal feelings.
Help Children Develop Competence
When parents have high but realistic expectations, their children tend to develop confidence that they can do things successfully. This confidence especially comes when parents provide a loving, supportive environment in which children can learn through trial and error without being demeaned or condemned for failure. Children readily learn from setbacks when they feel love, support, and encouragement to try again.
Help your children develop competence in areas that are important for their future. Children must learn to work, study, achieve goals, live within rules, and get along with others. As they become competent in those areas, their confidence grows. Teach them to work by working alongside them, especially when they are young. Be pleasant and patient. Try to make the work enjoyable for them. Encourage your children in activities in which they can succeed. Help them develop talents and natural abilities. Don’t make them pursue activities merely to fulfill your ambitions for them, particularly when the activities are not essential to their well-being. They will become frustrated and so will you.
Recognize your children’s accomplishments. Praise them when they do something good and noteworthy. When giving compliments, be brief and genuine. Focus on their behavior and how it affects you, rather than on praising them. For example, a parent might say to a child who brought home a good report card, “It means a lot to me when I see you are doing such good work in school. I’m very pleased with you.” Saying to the child, “You’re such a good boy,” may sound phony and unbelievable, especially if the child doesn’t feel like a good person.
Involve Children in Serving Others
Service projects teach unselfishness and help children to consider the welfare of others. President Spencer W. Kimball taught the value of service:
“In the midst of the miracle of serving, there is the promise of Jesus, that by losing ourselves, we find ourselves!
“Not only do we ’find’ ourselves in terms of acknowledging guidance in our lives, but the more we serve our fellowmen in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our soul. We become more significant individuals as we serve others. We become more substantive as we serve others—indeed, it is easier to find ourselves because there is more of us to find.”
Confidence in the Lord
Children will gain confidence as they develop faith, virtue, integrity, and competence. As parents, you play an important role in helping your children develop in each of those areas. It is best to begin while your children are young.
Regarding faith in the Lord, President Ezra Taft Benson stated: “My message and testimony is this: Only Jesus Christ is uniquely qualified to provide that hope, that confidence, and that strength to overcome the world and rise above our human failings. To do that, we must place our faith in Him and live by His laws and teachings.”
Practice
Choose one of the principles for helping children develop greater confidence, and apply it in your family. When you begin to master it, select the next most important area to work on.
Additional Study
Study these scriptures, and consider how they apply to your family.