“Session Four: Nurturing Children,” Strengthening the Family: Resource Guide for Parents (2002)

“Session Four,” Strengthening the Family

Session Four

Nurturing Children

“Take care of your little ones, welcome them into your homes and nurture and love them with all of your hearts.”

President Gordon B. Hinckley

President Gordon B. Hinckley emphasized the importance of nurturing children: “Rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Take care of your little ones, welcome them into your homes and nurture and love them with all of your hearts.”

Nurturing involves responding to a child’s needs in a kind and loving way. It includes nourishing (physically, emotionally, and spiritually), loving, teaching, protecting, helping, supporting, and encouraging.

How successful are you at nurturing your children?
What can you do to improve your ability to nurture your children?

The Need for Nurturing

Parents play a crucial role in preparing their children to handle life’s many challenges. Children who are properly nurtured are better equipped to withstand troubling times. Nurturing is one of the most important things parents can do for their children.

Unfortunately, busy mothers and fathers sometimes leave their children unattended. For many years, parents, educators, and church and community leaders have been concerned about the well-being of unsupervised children. Of even greater magnitude are problems associated with the breakdown of marriage. Mothers and fathers who struggle in painful relationships often have a diminished capacity to soothe and comfort their children. Children often feel the pain and loss associated with discord in marriage. They experience the consequences of the choices other people make and of living in a mortal, imperfect world. While some of these problems seem unavoidable, many can be prevented.

Parents must never lose sight of their sacred responsibility to care for their children. President Gordon B. Hinckley counseled: “I hope you keep nurturing and loving your children. … Among all the assets you possess nothing is so precious as your children.” Parents can nurture their children in many ways. One of the greatest opportunities for nurturing children comes when they face problems or experience troubles.

Nurturing Children during Troubled Times

In a 20-year study of 119 families, psychologist John Gottman of the University of Washington found that couples who had the greatest parenting success were able to help their children when their children needed help the most—when they were distressed and upset. The successful parents did five things—all nurturing tasks—that gave their children a much better foundation for life. Gottman used the term “emotion coaching” to describe the activities of these parents. He found that the nurtured children learned to understand and handle their feelings better, to get along with others, and to solve problems in appropriate ways. They also had better physical health, higher academic scores, better relationships with friends, fewer behavioral problems, more positive feelings, and better emotional health. Gottman’s five-step emotion-coaching process is summarized below.

Step 1: Be Aware of the Child’s Emotions

The successful parents were able to recognize and appropriately respond to the feelings of their children. Feelings are an integral, important part of life. Parents who recognize and accept their own feelings find it easier to recognize and accept their children’s feelings. Children who see their parents handle difficult feelings often learn to manage their own emotions.

Children often provide clues when something bothers them. For instance, they may exhibit behavior problems, have a change in appetite, withdraw, perform poorly in school, or have a sad countenance.

If you are able to recognize when your child is troubled and you feel deep concern for him or her, you are experiencing empathy. The ability to empathize will increase your effectiveness in nurturing your son or daughter.

Step 2: Recognize Emotion as an Opportunity for Closeness

Sometimes parents avoid talking with a child when he or she is upset, perhaps fearing rejection or fearing they have somehow failed the child. Many parents hope that their children’s troubling emotions will go away. Often, these emotions do not go away without some kind of help. Look at your children’s troubling emotions as opportunities for bonding and growth. Helping soothe a child’s troubled feelings is one of the most satisfying things you can do as a parent. Children feel understood and comforted when kind and loving parents acknowledge and understand their feelings.

Step 3: Listen Empathically and Validate Your Child’s Feelings

As your child discloses emotions to you, restate in your own words your understanding of what is being said, using the listening skills taught in session 3. For example, you could say, “You’re feeling sad that your friend moved away.” When you have questions about what your child is saying or feeling, ask for clarification. However, probing questions may cause the child to become defensive and to stop talking. Simple observations often work better. For example, you might say, “I noticed that when you started talking about grades, you seemed to become tense.” Wait and allow your child to continue. Children are more likely to keep talking when they feel a sense of control over the conversation and have a noncritical, empathic listener.

Step 4: Help Your Child Identify and Name Emotions

Sometimes parents mistakenly assume their children have words to describe what they feel inside. However, children do not always have a vocabulary for their emotions. Parents who provide words for their children help them transform vague, undefined, uncomfortable feelings into descriptive words such as “sad,” “angry,” “frustrated,” “afraid,” “worried,” “tense,” and so on. Children begin to feel a sense of control over their emotions as they learn words to describe them.

Children who lack a vocabulary of feeling words sometimes act out their feelings or find inappropriate words such as “shut up,” “leave me alone,” or worse. The best time to teach feeling words is when children experience emotion. Some studies show that identifying and naming emotions “can have a soothing effect on the nervous system, helping children to recover more quickly from upsetting incidents.”

Step 5: Set Limits While Helping the Child Learn to Solve Problems

A child’s sense of control increases as parents help the child learn to deal with unpleasant feelings. A child must learn to deal with troubling thoughts and feelings in appropriate and emotionally healthy ways. You may need to set limits on inappropriate behavior while helping the child work out problems. Identify the cause of the problem so a solution can be found. Ask questions such as “What is causing you to feel this way?” Don’t allow the child to blame others when it is apparent others are not to blame.

Once the cause has been identified, you can ask, “What do you think will solve the problem?” Listen carefully to the child’s answers. Offer some tentative solutions of your own to help your child consider other possibilities. You will need to take the lead with younger children. You may find it helpful to brainstorm solutions with older children. Express confidence in the child’s ability to identify an appropriate solution. Allow the child to take as much responsibility as possible, helping the child grow from dependence to self-reliance. As much as possible, help your children resolve their own problems, frustrations, boredom, and failures, with you acting as a teacher and leader as needed.

The Eternal Value of Nurturing

Your children will respond favorably as you nurture them with love, kindness, and sensitivity. The nurturing process should begin early and continue throughout each child’s life in ways that are appropriate for his or her needs.

President Gordon B. Hinckley stressed the need to work in harmony with Heavenly Father in loving and nurturing children: “Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these His little ones.”

Practice

Role-play with your spouse or another parent the five-step nurturing process. One of you can take the role of child while the other acts as the parent. Practice for 5 to 10 minutes; then switch roles. During the week, try the five-step process with your children, as needed.

Additional Study

Study these scriptures, and consider how they apply to your family.