“Session Nine: Applying Consequences,” Strengthening the Family: Resource Guide for Parents (2002)
“Session Nine,” Strengthening the Family
Session Nine
Applying Consequences
Parents who protect their children from the negative consequences of misbehavior do them a great disservice, preventing them from learning the value of obedience.
Children learn as they make everyday choices and experience the consequences. Those who keep the commandments of God, work hard, and abide by societal laws have greater opportunities to live productively and successfully. Those who are lazy and disobedient often enter adulthood unprepared for successful living. Ultimately, we all experience the consequences of our actions. The righteous will receive eternal life while unrepentant sinners will be cast out (see Matthew 25:46). Parents can apply consequences in ways that help their children learn responsible behavior.
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To what extent do you allow your children to experience the consequences of their actions?
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How can you effectively apply consequences?
The Value of Consequences
Presiding Bishop H. David Burton observed that “parents who have been successful in acquiring more often have a difficult time saying no to the demands of overindulged children. Their children run the risk of not learning important values like hard work, delayed gratification, honesty, and compassion.” According to William Damon, director of the Stanford Center on Adolescence, the actions of many parents encourage self-centeredness and irresponsibility in their children. These parents attempt to bolster their children’s self-esteem by telling them how terrific they are without requiring anything substantive from them. This unmerited praise often results in lazy, demanding, disrespectful, undisciplined children and teenagers. Permissive parents require very little of their children, providing few or no consequences for disobedience or failure to perform.
Parents can teach their children responsible behavior by applying consequences. Children who receive positive consequences for responsible behavior are more apt to repeat the behavior. Parents who protect their children from the negative consequences of misbehavior do them a great disservice, preventing them from learning the value of obedience.
President Joseph F. Smith taught the importance of holding children accountable for their inappropriate behavior: “God forbid that there should be any of us so unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them.”
Applying Consequences
The following principles will help you give consequences appropriately. As you read them, consider how you can use consequences effectively with your children.
Recognize and Acknowledge Appropriate Behavior
Children tend to repeat behaviors that draw their parents’ attention. According to Latter-day Saint parent educator Glenn Latham, “Parents typically ignore 95–97 percent of all the appropriate and good things their children do. But if a child misbehaves, parents are 5–6 times more likely to pay attention to that behavior.” When parents only respond to the negative things children do, no one should be surprised that the children misbehave.
You can reinforce desirable behavior by showing interest in what your child does and by interacting in a positive way—smiling, expressing gratitude, or giving a pat on the back. Praise should be genuine and directed at the child’s behavior and its value to you and others. For example: “I appreciate when you help clean the kitchen. I enjoy the time together, and the work gets done much more quickly.” Praise directed at children (“You’re such a good child”) may come across as insincere or manipulative.
Allow Children to Experience Appropriate Natural Consequences
Natural consequences automatically follow actions. For example, a child who fails to study for a test usually gets a lower grade. A teenager who gets a speeding ticket must pay a fine. Individuals learn quickly from natural consequences because the consequences occur in spite of protests or arguments against them. If parents protect their children from natural consequences, such as paying their traffic fines for them, they deprive the children of valuable lessons.
Natural consequences may harm children who are too young to understand them. For example, a toddler must be protected from touching a hot stove or walking alone by a stream of water or playing in a busy street.
Apply Logical Consequences
Logical consequences are imposed by parents in a way that is logically connected to a child’s behavior. For example, a child who acts up during dinner may be asked to leave the table until he or she is willing to eat quietly. Logical consequences work best when they make sense to the child, indicate respect for the child, and require the child to pay a price. Impose them in a firm and friendly manner—not in anger—or they will invite resentment. Here are two examples: (1) A child is often late for dinner, so the parents put the food away and tell the child the next meal will be served in the morning; (2) A teen who is arrested for shoplifting calls home and demands to be picked up immediately, but his parents allow him to spend the night in detention.
You can also use consequences that seem less logical, such as taking away the privilege of watching television when your children have not done their work. The connection has to do with work and privileges. Watching television is a privilege that is earned by being responsible. A child who is irresponsible can lose a privilege.
Give the Child Responsibility
Children are more likely to improve their behavior when they help identify the course of action they should take. When confronting problem behavior and before imposing a consequence, you can discuss the problem with the child, asking how he or she is going to correct it. Allow the child to take responsibility for solving the problem. If he or she refuses to engage in this kind of conversation, you should proceed with the consequence.
Let the Consequences Do the Teaching
When parents impose consequences, children sometimes react with anger and want to argue. The best learning occurs when you say little but follow through with the consequences. If there is a clear connection between the infraction and the consequence, the child will feel responsible and learn from the experience. However, if you impose a consequence and then argue about it, the child will focus on winning the argument and will lose sight of the reason for the consequence. Likewise, yelling and moralizing usually won’t work either; it will only provoke resentment in the child. Let the consequences do the teaching. In all cases, apply consequences with love and kindness (see D&C 121:41–42).
Use Time-Out
Time-out is a consequence that is used most effectively with children ages three to eight. It involves moving a child from a disruptive situation to another room or area where the child does not receive attention. Time-out can especially help children who are easily distracted; it does not help destructive children who are in a power struggle with their parents. When imposing time-out, remain calm and explain why time-out is being used. Ask the child to think about how the problem will be solved. Tell the child how long time-out will last, and return when it is over (a general guideline is one minute per year of the child’s life—a five-year-old spends five minutes in time-out).
Seek Advance Agreement on Rules and Consequences
Family councils, family home evenings, and personal interviews are great times to involve children in discussing family rules, the rationale behind them, and the consequences for disobeying them. Try to obtain their agreement on rules and consequences.
When a child breaks a rule, you can remind him or her of the rule and the consequences. Then the child is less likely to view the consequences as punishment. You can express genuine empathy that privileges have been lost. Generally, parents have a better relationship with their children when the children understand and consent to family rules.
Use Good Judgment
Minor misbehavior does not warrant the use of consequences. Talking with the child may be sufficient. Obnoxious but harmless behavior is best ignored. Children will give it up more readily when such behavior is disregarded. Attention may only reinforce negative behavior.
Disciplining with Love
President James E. Faust of the First Presidency taught the importance of love and of recognizing differences in children when disciplining them: “Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another. I do not know who is wise enough to say what discipline is too harsh or what is too lenient except the parents of the children themselves, who love them most. It is a matter of prayerful discernment for the parents. Certainly the overarching and undergirding principle is that the discipline of children must be motivated more by love than by punishment.”
Practice
Discuss with your spouse the disciplinary principles described in this session and how they may be used with your children. Select one of the principles you would like to apply. Decide who will apply it and how. Afterward, evaluate your success in using the principle. Then select another principle to apply, if needed.
Additional Study
Study these scriptures, and consider how they apply to your family.