“Session Seven: Resolving Conflict,” Strengthening the Family: Resource Guide for Parents (2002)
“Session Seven,” Strengthening the Family
Session Seven
Resolving Conflict
“Satan knows that the surest … way to disrupt the Lord’s work is to diminish the effectiveness of the family and the sanctity of the home.”
Elder M. Russell Ballard
Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve observed that the family is one of Satan’s favorite targets: “[Satan] works to drive a wedge of disharmony between a father and a mother. He entices children to be disobedient to their parents. … That’s all it takes, because Satan knows that the surest and most effective way to disrupt the Lord’s work is to diminish the effectiveness of the family and the sanctity of the home.”
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How much conflict exists in your family?
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How can you help resolve conflict in your home in a Christlike way?
The Problem of Unresolved Conflict
An elderly woman recalled with great sorrow the results of unresolved conflict in her family: “As I attended the graveside service for my last remaining brother, I reflected on the tragic childhood events that embittered my three brothers, driving them from home and from the restored gospel that has meant so much to me. My father, a religious man, was demanding and contentious, verbally chastising his children in public as well as private. As my brothers grew older, they began to fight back. The fights were vicious and ugly, and escalated into cursing and slugging. Each of my brothers left home at an early age, rarely returning to visit their parents. Nor did they want anything to do with the religion espoused by my father.”
The causes of conflict are many. Some parents are overly permissive, giving in to their children’s whims until their children’s behavior is out of control. Others are too restrictive, provoking their children to rebel. Some parents overreact to their children’s normal drive for independence. Some children go astray and willfully engage in behavior that violates family rules and standards.
Family members grow closer and become stronger when they resolve differences successfully. Left unresolved, conflicts destroy family relationships and cause sorrow.
How to Resolve Conflict
Parents “have a sacred duty … to teach [their children] to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.” Resolving conflict is a part of that process. Review the following principles for resolving conflict, and decide which ones will help you.
Approach Parent-Child Problems with a Christlike Attitude
Show love and a willingness to resolve conflict, making concessions in a spirit of compromise while upholding values and standards, striving to persuade your children while refusing to give in to manipulation. Teach correct principles and the rationale for family rules. Encourage your children to make correct choices. Persuade them when they are argumentative. Impose consequences (see session 9) when they choose to disobey, and tenderly plead with them when they are on the verge of making serious mistakes.
Listen to Understand
Many conflicts are averted when parents use good listening skills and seek to understand their upset, angry children. The scriptures teach that “a soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Your child’s angry feelings will often dissipate when he or she feels understood. You may also find that your own feelings and perspectives change.
Refuse to Argue
Parents who refuse to argue with a contentious child soon discover that the contention is short-lived. Quarreling and fighting cannot occur when one person refuses to engage in it. Glenn Latham, a Latter-day Saint parent educator, emphasized the magnitude of Christ’s great example of refusing to contend with others, even when unfairly accused and abused. Latham observed, “In my research on the treatment of behavior problems, I have been astounded to find that if parents remain calm, empathetic, and direct even in the face of outrageous reviling, 97 out of 100 times, on the third directive [the third statement of parental expectations], children will comply.”
Follow Scriptural Guidelines for Reproving Children
You may need to reprove a child “betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost” and then show “an increase of love” so the child is reassured of your love (D&C 121:43). This reproving should happen rarely and with gentleness. The word sharpness in this context does not mean with anger or forcefulness, but clearly and distinctly.
Selectively Arbitrate Conflicts between Children
Children sometimes argue with each other to get attention and to have parents take their side. These arguments can place you in a no-win position. You may never fully know how the conflict started and what has happened between the children. By taking sides, you may reward an undeserving child and alienate the other child.
You can often help best by taking a neutral position and by giving the children responsibility to solve the problem. Listen to each child and paraphrase what each has to say. Then point out that they are blaming each other instead of taking personal responsibility (if that is the case). Ask them how they think the problem can be solved. Listen to what they say, paraphrase their suggestions, and try to identify a possible compromise. If none seems evident, send an “I” statement (see session 3) expressing your frustration over the conflict and your intention to impose a consequence (see session 9) if the fighting doesn’t stop. Ask them again for their suggestions, and see if you can identify a compromise that is agreeable to both children. Compliment them if they agree on a solution. If not, impose the consequence.
Negotiation may be unnecessary if you have something the children want. For example, if you are taking your children to a ball game and they are fighting in the car, stop the car and give them a choice—they can settle the argument or you will take them home. Often the least intrusive solution is the most effective one.
A Problem-Solving Model
Some families have successfully used the following five-step model for solving conflicts, adapted from the work of psychologist Susan Heitler. The model works best when family members understand it and agree to use it.
Step 1: State Your Positions
Each person in the conflict states his or her position or preference—how he or she would resolve the issue—without fear of interruption, attack, or ridicule. Sometimes a solution becomes apparent during this process, although solutions usually come in step 4.
Step 2: Explore Your Underlying Concerns
Family members explore their positions in greater depth, examining the concerns that underlie their positions. They look for concerns common to everyone.
Step 3: Brainstorm Possible Solutions
Each person suggests solutions without being attacked or ridiculed. In considering solutions, each person proposes what she or he could do to contribute to a total plan of action that would respond to everyone’s concerns. Every solution, no matter how impractical, is written down. This freedom fosters creativity from which a viable solution may emerge.
Step 4: Select a Solution
After brainstorming is completed, family members create a plan that will be responsive to the concerns of everyone. The feelings of the parents matter, as do the feelings of the children. For example, a couple may feel that they should teach gospel principles during family home evening while a child may want only to play games. To be responsive to the child’s feelings as well as their own, the parents could include gospel instruction in a way that interests the child and is understandable to him or her.
Step 5: Carry Out the Solution
As family members carry out the solution, they evaluate where modifications are needed. In some cases, they may need to find a different solution.
A New Covenant
President James E. Faust of the First Presidency reminded us that Christ introduced a new covenant that requires men and women to abide by a higher law. No longer were individuals to follow the law of retribution (see Exodus 21:24), but they were to be guided by a desire to do good, turning the other cheek to those who smite them (see Matthew 5:39). They were to love their enemies and pray for those who would despitefully use and persecute them (see Matthew 5:44). They were to seek and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit in their actions toward others.
As your family strives to abide by Christ’s teachings, resolving differences in an amicable way, you will enjoy greater love, peace, and harmony in your family relationships.
Practice
Select a minor area of disagreement in your relationship with a family member, and apply the conflict resolution model in resolving it. When you have learned how to apply the model successfully, use it to resolve a conflict of greater importance.
Additional Study
Study these scriptures, and consider how they apply to your family.