“Session Three: Communicating with Love,” Strengthening the Family: Resource Guide for Parents (2002)

“Session Three,” Strengthening the Family

Session Three

Communicating with Love

Words and behavior have the power to hurt or to help, to inflict pain and suffering or to soothe painful feelings, to provoke doubt and fear or to instill faith and courage.

Parents who communicate in a Christlike manner can more easily fulfill their “sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness” and to “teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.”

How well do you communicate with your children?
What can you do to communicate more effectively?

The Importance of Good Communication

Poor communication is a symptom and a cause of family problems. Angry, frustrated parents and children often communicate in destructive ways, feeling less inclined to listen and more prone to say derogatory and hurtful things. Likewise, when subjected to derogatory, hurtful messages, parents and children often respond with inappropriate words and actions. Changing one’s attitude toward life, self, and others is sometimes needed before good communication is possible.

Parents can break destructive communication cycles by changing the way they listen and respond, thereby creating a healing environment that can lead to a change of heart in their sons and daughters.

Harmful Communication Practices

Common communication practices that drive children away include:

Lecturing, moralizing, preaching, interrogating.
Discounting, placating, providing empty reassurances.
Judging, condemning, threatening.
Blaming, criticizing, ridiculing.
Talking about one’s own feelings when a child needs to share his or her feelings.

Christlike Communication

The scriptures indicate that Jesus was slow to condemn (see John 8:3–11), forgiving (see Luke 23:33–34), compassionate (see John 11:33–36), considerate of his family (see John 19:25–27), willing to return good for evil (see Luke 22:50–51), loving of children (see 3 Nephi 17:21–24), appreciative (see Luke 7:44–48), eager to serve (see John 13:4–17), and willing to sacrifice (see Matthew 26:35–45).

President David O. McKay taught: “No man can sincerely resolve to apply to his daily life the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth without sensing a change in his own nature. The phrase, ’born again,’ has a deeper significance than many people attach to it.” As you follow the teachings of Christ, you will overcome any ineffective or harmful communication practices you might have.

As you acquire godly attributes over time, you can manage feelings and behavior better. You will be more apt to respond appropriately when children are disrespectful and unruly, and in your interactions with your children you will show love.

Improving Family Communication

Communication problems develop over time. It is often difficult to determine when problems began and who started them, and it usually does more harm than good to place blame. Here are some principles for improving communication:

Return Good for Evil

An effective way to break destructive patterns of communication is to follow Jesus’s example of returning good for evil. Speak in an even tone of voice when being yelled at; talk respectfully if your child is disrespectful; be reasonable even when your child is unreasonable; lovingly provide consequences when your child violates family rules (see session 9).

Look for the Good in Your Children

Pay attention to your children, particularly when they behave appropriately. Attention is a powerful reinforcer. If you listen and talk with them during the good times, you will encourage healthy behavior. Your children will likely repeat the behaviors that capture your attention.

Ignore obnoxious, inappropriate behavior when it is harmless. When behavior is offensive and inappropriate, impose a consequence that prevents the child from receiving undue attention (see session 9).

Listen to Your Children

Children usually behave appropriately when they feel valued and respected. You can help your children feel valued and respected by listening to them and accepting their feelings. Sometimes your children have feelings that you may not like. However, undesirable feelings often change when children are allowed to talk about them. Listening suggestions include:

Show interest and a willingness to listen. Sit down and pay attention to your child. If your words express interest but your actions show disinterest or impatience, the child will believe your body language.

Ask questions that invite your child to talk. For example, you may say, “It looks like something is troubling you. Want to tell me about it?” “How do you see it?” “Tell me more.”

Identify and name the child’s feelings. Your children will feel comforted when you can identify and name their feelings. They know that someone else understands. You could say, “It hurt when John didn’t invite you to his party, didn’t it.”

Listen actively by paraphrasing what you hear. Listen carefully without interrupting. During pauses in the conversation, restate what you understand your child is saying and feeling. Let your child correct your understanding. Be respectful and empathetic. Do not distort or add to your child’s message.

Respond Nondefensively When Your Child Is Upset at You

Elder H. Burke Peterson of the Seventy advised, “You can listen to understand, not necessarily to agree.” If something about what your child says is true, acknowledge the truth rather than defend yourself. Angry feelings often go away when the child can talk about them.

Share Your Feelings Appropriately When You Are Upset

Parents often make their greatest errors when they are angry. Words of anger can inflict wounds that are slow to heal. Inappropriate expressions of anger often contain the word you and have been called “you” statements. For example: “Can’t you do anything right?” Such statements often belittle and condemn, and they provoke defensiveness in the child.

A more appropriate approach is to share how the child’s behavior affects you: “I feel frustrated when assigned jobs are not done.” These statements focus on the issue without demeaning the child. They have been called “I” statements because they contain the word I. They invite a better response from the child. Children who are treated with respect often want to behave in respectful ways.

Clarify Your Expectations

Parents are often amazed to discover that their children do not have a clear idea of what is expected of them. In addition to sending an “I” statement when frustrated, you should send a clarifying message as to what you want. For example: “I feel taken advantage of when I take you places and never receive any thanks for it. It’s always appropriate to say ’thanks’ when someone does something for you. I need to hear it, and others do too. Will you please thank people when they do things for you?”

Resolve Problems that Impair Your Ability to Listen

Some parents have unhealthy and unrealistic attitudes and ideas that interfere with listening, such as the following:

Feeling responsible to solve all the problems their children face.
Feeling responsible to rear successful children rather than focusing on being a successful parent.
Wanting to control their children.
Being overly detached and permissive, allowing children a great amount of freedom without providing supervision, guidelines, and boundaries.
Fearing failure and public humiliation.
Believing they (the parents) are always right.
Needing to feel loved by children and fearing rejection by them.

If you need help with these or other similar problems, counsel with your spouse, fast and pray for guidance, attend the temple, and, as needed, counsel with your bishop and ask about getting professional help.

The Power of Effective Communication

The Apostle Paul urged, “Be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity” (1 Timothy 4:12). In his letter to the Philippians, he also taught, “Let your conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ” (Philippians 1:27). Words and behavior have the power to hurt or to help, to inflict pain and suffering or to soothe painful feelings, to provoke doubt and fear or to instill faith and courage. As you master the way you communicate, you can exert a tremendously positive influence on your children.

Practice

Choose one of the principles for improving communication. Make a plan to work on it until you begin to master it. Then choose another principle, and work on it.

Additional Study

Study these scriptures, and consider how they apply to your family.