Life Skills
How to Not Let Jealousy Ruin Your Relationships
My sister was close to getting engaged. But instead of feeling happy for her, all I felt was jealousy and resentment. How could I get over these feelings?
I hung up the phone and tried to take a deep breath.
My younger sister, Amy, had just called to tell me that her boyfriend had invited her to spend Christmas at his family’s beach house on the other side of the country. A trip like this would be a significant step forward in their relationship.
Amy was one of my dearest friends and confidants. This was an exciting time for her, but as she gushed about how happy she was to spend this special time of year with her boyfriend, all I felt was boiling jealousy.
My experiences with dating in the years following my mission had left me feeling anxious and confused. Multiple relationships I had been hopeful about had ended as the boys found interest in other girls. Marriage was feeling more and more like an unattainable mystery. Amy, however, had been home from her mission for less than a year and seemed to be blissfully on her way to getting married.
I soon started experiencing something that Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once described: “When we feel hurt, angry, or envious, it is quite easy to judge other people, often assigning dark motives to their actions in order to justify our own feelings of resentment.”1
My thoughts were stuck in an angry spiral:
How could Amy be so insensitive to my feelings?
I do not want to hear any more about her relationship, because it isn’t fair.
Everything just comes easier for her. She’ll never understand how I feel.
How could she abandon our family at Christmas? Does she even care?
Jealousy in the Young Adult Years
My experience with Amy was one of the first times I had to try very hard to overcome jealousy. My ugly feelings were hurting our relationship. Because I was angry and frustrated, our conversations were short and strained. I often had to pull away from going down a precarious road.
But it was hard to do.
As young adults, we might find the temptation to give in to jealousy especially strong. We are all eager (if not anxious) to find the sense of security that comes from becoming self-reliant and reaching certain cultural and spiritual milestones. Watching someone else get what you righteously desire at this phase of life can leave you feeling frustrated and even envious.
Experiencing feelings of jealousy is natural in mortality. But what really matters is what we do with those feelings.
Do we let them fester and cause relationship-damaging resentment? Or do we turn to Heavenly Father and the Savior to find a holier way to manage our feelings?
Everyone’s experiences will be different, but these three steps have helped me navigate my feelings of jealousy.
Step 1: Watch Where Your Thoughts Take You
It’s not a realistic goal to never have jealous feelings. But what we can do is decide not to feed the flame. Elder Ulisses Soares of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “Despite our continuous efforts to seek out the Lord, inappropriate thoughts may penetrate our mind. When such thoughts are permitted and even invited to stay, they can shape the desires of our heart and lead us to what we will become in this life.”2
I don’t think any of us want jealousy to lead our lives. So the first step is to control our thoughts so that envy doesn’t overtake our minds. In the Book of Mormon, Alma once asked his people: “Behold, I say, is there one among you who is not stripped of envy? I say unto you that such an one is not prepared.” (See Alma 5:29; emphasis added.)
When something is “stripped,” it means all its coverings have been removed.3 When we choose to let ourselves dwell on jealous thoughts, we may find ourselves “covered” by them, which can make it more difficult to feel the Spirit and make wise decisions.
When you see or hear something that makes you jealous, take a deep breath. Try not to let your thoughts run wild (see Mosiah 4:30). It may be helpful to go for a walk or do something creative. You could also take a moment to write out your thoughts and emotions in a journal. I often find it helpful to call a trusted friend or family member and talk out my frustrations while being careful to not gossip.
Mastering our thoughts takes work. But as we prevent feelings of jealousy from covering us, we will be better prepared to receive the revelation we need to manage our emotions and thoughts.
And the good news is that the Savior is eager to help us. Elder Soares also said, “My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify that as we rely upon the rock of salvation, the Savior of our souls, … our ability to control our thoughts will increase significantly.”4
Step 2: Pray for Love
Jealousy can make it hard to recognize our love for others. When I was struggling with jealousy, fond memories of the sleepovers, long talks, and laughing fits I’d shared with Amy were the last things on my mind. I felt blind to all the reasons I loved having Amy as both a sister and friend. The best remedy I found for clearing my vision was praying to feel God’s love—for Amy and for myself.
Elder Uchtdorf taught us to seek the love of God to “govern our minds and emotions.” He continued, “As we open our hearts to the glowing dawn of the love of God, the darkness and cold of animosity and envy will eventually fade.”5
Each night, I prayed to remember why I loved Amy and to be reassured that God loved me. As I did this, tender moments I’d shared with my sister in recent years came to mind, softening my heart toward her. The Spirit also brought to my mind moments when I’d felt confident that God’s hand was guiding my life. Those memories softened my heart toward God.
Feeling God’s love reminded me that I am not in competition with the people around me. We are all on our own timetables. I can be happy about Amy’s good fortune while trusting that I, too, will experience joy in my life.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles reminded us: “We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed. The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those.”6
Internalizing that I am not in a race with Amy was difficult after years of being the trailblazer for the two of us. But consistently seeking to feel God’s love through prayer slowly changed my vision: the actual race I’m in is against sin, not against Amy.
Step 3: Repeat
I wish that getting over jealous feelings were as easy as completing two simple steps. But I’m learning that real change often takes time and effort—and in this case, that includes repeating the two steps above.
At first, I was frustrated that I kept getting that boiling feeling every time Amy talked about her relationship with her boyfriend. I was earnestly trying to change, so why couldn’t I just be happy for her? Why did I have to keep trying so hard to control my thoughts and keep asking Heavenly Father for help?
I began to feel discouraged and wondered what I was doing wrong. Then, at church, we read a quote by President Henry B. Eyring, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, that changed my perspective: “[God’s] purpose was to give His children the opportunity to prove themselves able and willing to choose the right when it is hard. In so doing, their natures would be changed and they could become more like Him.”7
I’d never thought of fighting jealousy as an opportunity to change my nature and become more like the Savior. Realizing that this was a process of change, not a one-time event, helped me become more patient with myself. I also found comfort in these words from Sister Becky Craven, Second Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency: “We strive to refine our character to align ourselves with the attributes of Jesus Christ. … Small but steady, deliberate changes will help us improve. Do not become discouraged. Change is a lifelong process.”8
Jealousy is a temptation we will likely face our entire lives. But as we make those steady, deliberate changes now, we will be better prepared to overcome those feelings in the future.
What Overcoming Jealousy Is Really About
Though I’m still working on overcoming this struggle, I’ve had moments of peace by watching my thoughts and praying for help. When I invite Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ into this experience with me, it is easier to trust that “all things work together for good to them that love God” (Romans 8:28).
Learning to find joy, not jealousy, in others’ achievements and blessings will help us maintain important relationships. My life is better because Amy is in it. I’ve always wanted to rejoice with her in her achievements—not be jealous of her. And the Savior has helped me do this.
After asking if we have been stripped of envy, the prophet Alma gives us another tender invitation: “The good shepherd doth call after you; and if you will hearken unto his voice he will bring you into his fold” (Alma 5:60). The invitation to overcome jealousy is an invitation to come to the Good Shepherd. To be more like the Good Shepherd. I know that the Savior is calling earnestly after each of us; He is eager to help us make our weaknesses into strengths (see Ether 12:27) and bring us safely into His fold.
He has done so for me.