Applying the Old Testament to Your Life
4 Ways to Heal Fractured Family Relationships through the Savior
Although the Old Testament is filled with examples of family members experiencing contention, the Savior offered them—and offers us—ways to heal.
We know that families are an important part of Heavenly Father’s plan for us—and most of us would say that we love our families more than anyone else on earth. But no matter how much we love our family members, we all experience conflict at times. Even the scriptures are filled with conflicts and dysfunction between family members—and the Old Testament especially depicts those kinds of challenges. We see struggles between Cain and Abel, Esau and Jacob, Joseph and his brothers, Rachel and Jacob, and so many more. But we also read stories of healing broken relationships.
Disagreements or difficulties within family relationships can stem from unmet expectations, harsh words said in anger, misunderstandings, broken promises, or even a lack of compassion at times. And in these moments, it can be hard to know how to resolve the conflict and forgive one another, especially because we have been hurt by those we love most.
As a licensed mental health therapist, I have spent many hours working with young adults, helping them learn to forgive and let go of negative feelings they have toward their family members. I’ve seen how holding on to unnecessary pain can have long-lasting negative consequences like depression, anxiety, negative thinking patterns, and even self-hatred.
But the good news is that true and complete forgiveness is made possible through the power of Jesus Christ and the blessings of His Atonement. As I’ve counseled with young adults, I have observed four ways that we can practice forgiveness and find healing in our family relationships with the help of our loving Heavenly Father and His precious Son.
1. Develop a Christlike perspective.
When we have been hurt by our family members, we can consider the story of the brothers Jacob and Esau. They were rivals for years after Jacob inherited Esau’s birthright. Esau resented Jacob so fiercely that he even vowed to kill his brother. But after separating from each other and spending time apart, it seems they both gained a new perspective. Eventually through offering gifts, respect, and kind words, the two brothers reconciled and reunited (see Genesis 33).
Many of the young adults that I have counseled have also experienced hurt because of family members, and they express anger and resentment toward them. In situations where my clients find it difficult to forgive, I encourage them to spend time praying, studying the scriptures for guidance and to receive deeper knowledge of the Savior’s example of forgiveness, and working on changing their perspective of the situation.
Once they identify how the Savior feels toward them—and their family members—I next encourage them to write a letter to their family from a Christlike perspective. Writing down thoughts from a Christlike perspective can make it easier to organize our feelings and reach out to our loved ones to find healing.
One woman I worked with found that as she studied general conference talks and the words of Christ in the scriptures, she was able to put down on paper thoughts and feelings that helped resolve the conflict she was experiencing with her parents. Over time, through prayer, study, writing, and other means of turning to the Savior, she was able to forgive and rekindle her relationship with her parents.
As with Jacob and Esau, the process of forgiveness can take time, but when we seek the Savior’s healing power, He can guide us every step of the way as we learn to see our loved ones from a different perspective.
2. Develop Christlike empathy.
Empathy is the ability to take another’s perspective without passing judgment, recognize and validate their emotions, and help them know they are not alone. When practiced in the home, empathy can help us overcome loneliness and ensure meaningful connections among family members. Empathy leads to forgiveness and the healing of fractured relationships because it can help us see from others’ perspectives and understand their actions and feelings.
Jesus Christ is the expert on empathy. He understands perfectly what we go through in mortality, validates our feelings, and helps us to not feel alone. A perfect example of this is when the Savior wept with Mary, Martha, and others after Lazarus’s death (see John 11:1–35). His tears reflected His love, compassion, and empathy for His friends.
To practice empathy, you can periodically ask yourself how connected you feel to your family members. One client I worked with was struggling with a family member. So he decided to spend time speaking with them and listening to them without passing judgment. It was difficult at first, but eventually he was able to understand this family member’s perspective. As he did so, he began to see this family member the way Christ does, and their relationship slowly began to heal.
Check in with your family often and practice developing empathy by looking to the Savior’s example. With your prayerful persistence, Heavenly Father will help you know how to develop this Christlike attribute and employ it in your family relationships.
3. Learn to “love … thyself.”
When it comes to forgiving family members, sometimes our focus needs to shift from forgiving others to loving ourselves. As many of my clients have focused on developing self-compassion, the compassion that they feel for others, including family members, tends to grow too.
One of the two great commandments that the Savior gave is to “love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:39). Because if you don’t love yourself, it can be hard to share genuine compassion with others too. Think of the brothers of Joseph of Egypt: because of their jealousy—which possibly stemmed from a lack of self-love in comparing themselves to Joseph—they were compassionless as they willingly sold their youngest brother into slavery (see Genesis 37). We probably won’t go to the extremes that they did, but practicing self-love and compassion can work wonders when you are on the path to forgiveness.
One woman I worked with experienced something like this. She learned to forgive her family members as she learned to treat herself like she would treat a trusted, close friend. Treating herself with compassion changed all her relationships.
You can cultivate self-compassion by journaling, meditating, overcoming negative thought patterns, being kind and forgiving toward yourself when you make a mistake, asking loved ones how they feel about you, and especially by focusing on your divine identity and the love Heavenly Father has for you. Everyone I’ve met who has focused on developing self-compassion has seen their relationships with others improve more than they imagined.
4. Learn from Heavenly Father and the Savior’s willingness to forgive us.
If there is anyone who understands what it takes to forgive even the most hurtful offense, it is the Savior, who forgave the very people who nailed Him to the cross. And when we understand His and Heavenly Father’s attributes of being “merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth” (Exodus 34:6) and ponder the Lord’s promise that we can always be forgiven as we continue to return to Him and seek repentance (see Isaiah 55:7), we will always be able to find it in our hearts to forgive others, as They have commanded us to do.
Forgiveness takes time and patience, but over time it can become a reality through the Savior’s grace and mercy. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “I testify that forgiving and forsaking offenses, old or new, is central to the grandeur of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I testify that ultimately such spiritual repair can come only from our divine Redeemer, He who rushes to our aid ‘with healing in his wings’ [Malachi 4:2].”1
As you witness the examples of forgiveness in the scriptures and seek the Savior, you can more fully experience healing, joy, and peace in your family relationships, just as so many before you have, because of Him.