Finding Answers: From Sister to Sister
When Loved Ones Leave the Church, How Can We Love Them in Christlike Everyday Ways?
When those we love most leave our faith, we can overcome hurt by showing them Christlike love.
“I’m going to need to give you a painful shot to numb the area.”
I was lying on a bed in an emergency room, trying not to panic. After stepping on a wire hanger during dance rehearsal and coming to the emergency room, I was told the doctor was going to remove the hanger. But because of how it was hooked, he would need to give me a shot to numb my foot before cutting the hanger out.
I dread hospitals. And shots. Needless to say, I was terrified.
I wanted to ask for a priesthood blessing in that moment to help me feel comfort, but the only person with me was my father. And he had removed his name from the Church records years ago.
What could he do? At the time, I resented him for his choices that led him away from the Church. Surely, in a moment like this, he should have wanted to give his daughter a blessing of comfort. It bothered me that he couldn’t do what I thought I needed.
Love Beats Anger
I’ve reflected on this experience a lot as I’ve struggled with the question of how to love our loved ones who leave the Church.
For many years, I acted out in anger against my father. I thought that I needed to show him how upset I was with his decision to leave the Church. In my mind, I thought my anger would force him to realize he needed to come back.
I was wrong.
Acting out in anger never helped our relationship. It wasn’t the solution for my dad and me. Love was. It should have been obvious, as the Savior taught us in John 13:34 to “love one another; as I have loved you.”
It’s now been more than 10 years since my dad left the Church. I’m not perfect, but I’ve discovered three ways to show him Christlike love, even though we no longer share the same religious beliefs.
1. Show Interest in Their Hobbies
What is your loved one passionate about? Do they perform in theater? Do they participate in sporting events?
Ask them about their passions. You may not have religious beliefs in common anymore, but you can still find other ways to connect. Show genuine interest and encourage them in their goals. Heavenly Father can help you in this process. This genuine interest may be going to cheer them on in a competition, giving them words of encouragement, helping them bake or cook, or watching movies with them.
President M. Russell Ballard, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, spoke of taking an interest in our loved ones when he said: “What they need—what we all need—is love and understanding, not judging. … Be genuinely interested in their lives, their successes, and their challenges. Always be warm, gentle, loving, and kind.”1
My father has many hobbies: he is a photographer, kayaker, lawyer, writer, actor, and filmmaker. While I was growing up, my favorite thing to do with him was scope out the best locations in our city and take pictures. Since photography was something he loved, this was my way of taking an interest in his passion. And taking the time to learn about his passions has always benefited our relationship and helped us find commonalities outside our beliefs.
2. Spend Time with Them
One of the best ways to show love in a practical way is to spend time with your loved ones. Even just sharing a meal together builds relationships. And if you don’t live near your loved one, you can connect over video calls or letters.
Spending quality time together can help you learn to see your loved one with perfectly loving eyes, as our Heavenly Father does, which can help you withhold anger and judgment. Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “In the Church, to effectively serve others we must see them through … Heavenly Father’s eyes. Only then can we begin to comprehend the true worth of a soul. … Only then can we sense the Savior’s caring concern for them. … This expanded perspective will open our hearts to the disappointments, fears, and heartaches of others.”2
A couple of years ago, I invited my father on a backpacking trip. Backpacking was something he loved, and I felt that this time together was something I needed. The simple act of inviting him to do something with me helped our relationship. Throughout the whole trip, we created memories. It was nice to have just the two of us to talk about our current writing projects and life ambitions. It also helped me see my father with more loving eyes.
The more time I spend with my father or any other person in my life, the more I’m able to understand them and love them more deeply.
3. Focus on Their Goodness and Service
In the book of Mosiah, we learn in a sermon from King Benjamin about the importance of service. King Benjamin teaches that when we serve others, we are serving God (see Mosiah 2:17).
Our loved ones don’t have to be a part of our faith to offer valuable service or goodness. There are countless opportunities for our loved ones to serve, and we can appreciate the goodness they offer.
My father is a good person in many ways. When I was young, he would take us to the food bank to do service every month. He visits all his family members, even when they don’t visit him. He knows all the different types of plants and birds, and he picks up any litter he finds in nature. He follows his dreams and works hard.
Just because our loved ones may not serve in the Church as active members doesn’t mean they aren’t offering service or goodness in other valuable ways.
Striving to Love as the Savior Did
Jesus Christ never said to love only those who stay in His fold. In fact, as we come unto Him, He can help us “increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men” (1 Thessalonians 3:12).
Striving to be like Him means that we also strive to love as He did. So don’t focus on the fact that your loved ones have left the Church. Focus your energy on the positive things your loved ones do for the world and have done for you.
Let’s return to the emergency room, with the hanger still in my foot and my father at my side.
While the doctor prepared the shot, I turned and asked my dad if he would sing to me. For a moment, my dad was shocked, because normally I begged him to stop singing.
But this time I needed his voice to distract me from the pain. Although he couldn’t give me a priesthood blessing, Heavenly Father had blessed my dad with the talent of singing so that he could comfort me.
While this experience between my father and me helped me see him in a new way, I’m still learning to be more Christlike. But I know the Savior is constantly teaching me to be better, and I know He can teach you too as you turn to the Lord and seek revelation about your own circumstances.
As we turn to the Savior for help, He can help us see others with more loving eyes and guide us as we strive to improve. And as we seek to love the way Christ loves, our loved ones will not only recognize that we care for them but also feel the Spirit and a deeper love from our Heavenly Father.