From the Mission Field
When I Was Feeling Doubt as a Missionary, I Had to Let One Truth Fuel My Faith
I learned that day that answers from Heavenly Father sometimes don’t come how you expect them to.
A heavy tear plopped onto the keyboard with an audible splash. It was the first of many tears to fall as I typed the most desperate email I’d written my entire mission.
I’d been a missionary for seven months, and for the last three I’d been battling serious doubts. They started as little uncertainties and slowly gained momentum until the adversary had me questioning everything I believed—even the existence of God. I was spiritually and emotionally exhausted. And I was on the verge of telling my mission president that I couldn’t teach a gospel I didn’t know was true.
So I cried as I spilled all my doubts and fears to my mom, thousands of miles away, from a public computer in Mexico.
Asking a Vital Question
Minutes after I sent my crisis email, my mom responded:
“You are normal! Everyone has their testimony really, truly tested at some point in their lives. If you aren’t feeling anything when you pray, try just asking Heavenly Father how He feels about you and if He loves you.”
I must’ve read her email a dozen times at the computer. Then I printed it and took it home so I could read it 12 more times later that night.
My soul was so heavy when I knelt at my bedside that night. My prayer was simple but earnest: “Heavenly Father, I don’t even know if You’re listening, but if You are, will You let me know, somehow, how You feel about me?”
I waited.
Nothing.
I climbed under the quilt and collapsed into sleep.
The next morning, I repeated my prayer and waited. Again, nothing happened. Maybe I felt one ounce less heavy, but it wasn’t a revelatory feeling. And it certainly was not enough to solve my doubts or revive my spirit. I got up from my knees, still uncertain if Heavenly Father was aware of me. I headed to the kitchen to make breakfast.
Recognizing an Answer
As I stood at the stove scrambling some eggs, I noticed that I had a song playing in my head. That wasn’t unusual—I wake up with a song in my head most days.
It played for several minutes before I started paying more attention to it. It was a song called “Priceless” from the 2017 Mutual Album. I used to listen to it with a former Latin companion, but it had been weeks since we got transferred, and I had stopped listening to it.
Swaying back and forth in my little kitchen, I started singing the words: “So no matter what you’ve heard, don’t forget who made you.” I was nearly dancing when the next lyrics stopped me mid-twirl:
The lyrics stunned me. “You are priceless.” I immediately recognized those words as the answer to my prayer.
I took a sharp inhale and didn’t release the breath. I just held it and felt full of “joy, and … marvelous light,” like Alma the Younger describes (Alma 36:20).
I couldn’t stop smiling all morning.
Continuing with Faith
I had reached out to God, and He had reached back to me. His message came through so clear that I felt like I’d heard it from His mouth directly. But it was just song lyrics that someone else had written.
I’ve asked myself if it could be coincidence that “Priceless” was stuck in my head that morning. But I know that what I felt touched my soul more than coincidence possibly could. In that little tiled kitchen in Mexico, heaven seemed to touch down for just a second so that a spirit daughter could really feel the love of her Heavenly Father.
I savored that feeling and truth and let it fuel my faith instead of doubt. Over the course of the next several weeks, I began to receive specific answers to the questions behind my doubts in many ways. Most notably, I gained an unequivocal witness that the Book of Mormon was written by inspired, ancient authors and that it is the word of God.
Since that day in Mexico, my testimony has gone through other trials of faith. But I like to recall this spiritual experience I had in the kitchen. I’ve never forgotten that my Heavenly Father thinks I’m priceless and loves me perfectly. And equally memorable for me is the confidence I gained that my Heavenly Father will always answer my prayers, sometimes in ways I don’t expect. Even when I go through times when I feel like He isn’t responding, I know He will.
And that is enough to help me continue in faith.