I Felt Responsible for Saving Others, but Conference Changed My Perspective
As general conference was approaching, I yearned and prayed for messages that would bring me relief from guilt over my failed friendship and “unsuccessful” mission.
By the end of my mission in my homeland, Russia, I felt like I didn’t have much outward success to show for my efforts. But I told myself that I had done my best. And then I went back to study in the United States.
However, several years after my mission, a dear friend I had taught on my mission messaged me that he never wanted to hear from me, or about the Church, ever again. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He said he was very hurt by how our friendship had dwindled after I moved away and took that to mean that I had never genuinely been his friend. I tried to reassure him that our friendship was real to me, but he had already made up his mind.
I was devastated. I felt guilty for not being a better long-distance friend, and even worse, I felt personally responsible for ruining his relationship with his Heavenly Father. This, combined with a general lack of success on my mission, made me feel like I maybe did more bad than good by serving a mission.
As general conference was approaching, I yearned and prayed for messages that would bring me relief from guilt over my failed friendship and “unsuccessful” mission.
A New Perspective
When conference began, I wasn’t hearing what I had hoped for. No one seemed to include reassurances for a “failed” missionary or “failed” friend in their talks.
As I listened with a bitter smirk to the story from Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles about kayaking , I realized that I was like his kayaking instructor. Except instead of successfully helping a struggling person, I felt like I was accidentally making the situation worse.1
Just as I was ready to lose hope of hearing something that would help me, Elder Renlund brought a new perspective to my mind. He said: “We do need all our compassion, empathy, and love as we interact with those around us. Those who are struggling ‘need to experience the pure love of Jesus Christ reflected in [our] words and actions.’ As we minister, we encourage others frequently and offer help. Even if someone is not receptive, we continue to minister as they allow. The Savior taught that ‘unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them’ [3 Nephi 18:32]. The Savior’s job is to heal. Our job is to love—to love and minister in such a way that others are drawn to Jesus Christ.”2
I realized that I had been looking at this situation wrong the whole time.
Who was I to judge others’ spiritual states and assume I needed to save them?
I had wrongly believed that I was responsible for saving other people. I had wrongly assumed that God couldn’t do something I felt like I had failed to do. As I continued to consider Elder Renlund’s message, the Spirit helped me let go of my false belief.
I was able to finally stop thinking I had to be everyone’s savior—because I am not Him. Jesus Christ is and always will be their Savior.
And my Savior too.
I felt my design to share the gospel being reborn into something more beautiful, open-minded, and new.
A Renewed Trust
Even though it still hurts to know that I unintentionally disappointed a friend, I no longer think that his connection to heaven was severed because of me.
All I wanted from this general conference was a guilt-relieving quick fix. Instead, what I got was a new understanding of God’s expectations of me and a renewed trust in His timeline and ways.