Anxiety Was Making It Hard for Me to Feel Close to God. But He Got Through to Me Anyway
I said my prayers, I read the scriptures, I listened to general conference. So why did I feel so far away from God?
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“This conference is going to be amazing!”
“I can’t wait to hear all the speakers.”
As I heard people say these things, all I could do was smile and stay silent. I wanted to feel the excitement they did, but instead I found myself feeling nothing at all.
The truth is, my testimony has been on spiritual life support for some time. I have questions and worries, and struggling with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) makes those questions and worries spiral out of control very quickly. They create noise in my brain that often makes it hard to feel the Spirit.
This was where I found myself when conference began.
Did He Understand My Struggles?
Despite my loud, unsettled thoughts, I sat down with my friends to listen to conference, wanting and trying to find peace. But as the day progressed, I became increasingly drained. By the time we’d reached the evening session, I’d hit my limit. I burst into tears in the middle of a talk.
What more could I do? I was trying everything I could to feel closer to Heavenly Father. I said my prayers, I read the scriptures, and I listened to conference. So why did I still feel so far away from Him? Why was I afraid that He would give up on me, that He wasn’t listening to me, that He didn’t care about me or understand my struggles?
My friends paused conference and lovingly listened as I flooded them with my anguish. Instead of judging me, they sat with me in my pain and offered words of hope and encouragement. By the time we were done, the evening session was over. But I had just had a deeply sacred experience—and I knew that I had been surrounded by angels in the form of my friends.
Heavenly Father Really Loves Me
But Heavenly Father wasn’t done talking to me. His next message for me came the following day when Elder Patrick Kearon of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles spoke: “Our Father’s beautiful plan … is designed to bring you home, not to keep you out. … God is in relentless pursuit of you. He ‘wants all of His children to choose to return to Him’ [General Handbook, 1.1], and He employs every measure to bring you back.”1
At once, I understood the truth: Heavenly Father loves me, really loves me. He isn’t watching me suffer and wondering why I’m not doing better. He understands me.
God hasn’t forgotten me, His stumbling, suffering lost sheep. He sent me loving friends who understood my pain and steadied my feet. He sent messages, through His Apostles, that I needed to hear. He wants me to come home, and He’s sending me help on my journey.
Following the Good Shepherd Home
This revelation didn’t solve all my problems. I still struggle with OCD and anxiety. My brain is still loud and filled with worries and questions. But I know now that I am not alone. I never was, and I never will be.
I understand in a way I didn’t before that “the Saviour, the Good Shepherd, goes in search of His lost sheep until He finds them. He is ‘not willing that any should perish’ [2 Peter 3:9].”2 He hasn’t given up on me. And He hasn’t given up on you. He knows you. He loves you. He sees you in whatever pain you are facing, and He has prepared a way to help you through. So let’s keep fighting together. Let’s keep following the Good Shepherd home.