“What Am I Really Looking for?” A Pessimist’s Realization about Finding Joy
A message in general conference helped me see that I didn’t have to live with bitterness.
Have I always been so pessimistic and bitter?
I’m actually not sure. But I do know that it’s getting worse the older I get. Life just seems to be getting more and more unfair. The cost of living seems to be rising exponentially (don’t even get me started on the housing market), I have a unique challenge in my family that makes everyday life exhausting, and it often feels like I just can’t catch a break. And I’m really not the suffer-in-silence type, so I tend to spread my pessimistic attitude with those around me—whether they want to hear it or not.
Recently, I was coming off one of the hardest years of my life. I struggle with anxiety and am very prone to situational depression. So issues at work and in my personal relationships were deteriorating my already-fragile mental health, and then to top it all off, I injured my hip in a ridiculous way and was in extreme pain for weeks. I really thought I had every reason to think that life was going to continue to disappoint me.
When general conference weekend finally arrived, I really wasn’t sure what kind of answers I was looking for, but I definitely wasn’t looking for ways to find more joy in my life.
An Unexpected Answer
But a message about joy was one of the things that Heavenly Father wanted me to hear this conference. As Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles testified: “Joy is the very purpose of God’s plan for His children. It’s what you were created for—‘that [you] might have joy’ [2 Nephi 2:25]!”1
I felt the Spirit spark in my heart at those words. I hadn’t been living up to the reason I was created—to have joy. Sure, I was trying to keep my covenants, follow the Savior, and live the gospel. But I wasn’t doing it wholeheartedly. And I hadn’t even been thinking about the possibility that “there could be more of this kind of joy in [my] life”—“the joy that endures heartbreak, penetrates sorrow, and diminishes loneliness.”2
Elder Uchtdorf shared the story of the woman with the issue of blood (see Luke 8:43–48). In my opinion, if anyone had a reason to be pessimistic and bitter, it was her. I can totally imagine myself in her shoes—I would probably be thinking things like, “I will never find a solution to this illness,” “I will never be healed,” or “Life is unfair, and nothing can change that.”
But the woman still, against all odds, had faith that her life could be made better by the Savior’s power.
“Aren’t we all somewhat like this woman?” Elder Uchtdorf asked.
“There may be many reasons why we hesitate to draw near to the Savior. … In our pride, we may dismiss the possibility of something so simple being of so much value. We may think that our condition somehow disqualifies us from His healing.”3
Yep. I could relate.
So how could I—how can we all—be more like this woman? Elder Uchtdorf taught:
“Like this woman, I have learned that if we draw near to God and reach out to touch Him, we can indeed find healing, peace, and joy.
“Jesus taught, ‘Seek, and ye shall find’ [Matthew 7:7].”4
Seek Reasons to Have Joy
“If we seek reasons to be angry, to doubt, to be bitter or alone, we will find them,” Elder Uchtdorf noted.
“However, if we seek joy—if we look for reasons to rejoice and to happily follow the Savior, we will find them.
“We rarely find something we are not looking for.
“Are you looking for joy?
“Seek, and ye shall find.”5
I hadn’t been looking for reasons to be bitter, and yet that was all I saw in my life. I wasn’t being intentional about my thoughts or what I was looking for in life—and in doing so, I was missing out on so much joy.
I realized that I needed to make a big change in my perspective on life. Yes, there are things about life that are unfair. Yes, the world is getting harder and more expensive to live in. And yes, there will always be people around me who have advantages I don’t have.
Despite these things, I can seek and feel joy anyway—because that is what makes me a disciple of Jesus Christ. I can pray for Heavenly Father to make the unfair things seem smaller and to help me notice all the things He has put in my life to bring me joy.
Elder Uchtdorf invited us to:
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“Spend time in a sincere, full-hearted effort to draw near to God.
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Seek diligently for everyday moments of hope, peace, and joy.
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Bring joy to others around you.”6
Can it really be that simple to find joy? Again, I’m not totally sure. But I’m willing to put my pessimism and bitterness aside and look for the joy in life anyway—the joy for which the Savior died so that I could experience.