From the Mission Field
Parting the Clouds of My Perfectionism
My perfectionism affected my life as a missionary in so many ways, and I had no idea how to move forward.
For the first 19 years of my life, I did my best to ignore the nagging feeling that I just didn’t quite measure up to gospel standards.
When my brothers returned home from their missions, I could tell they were different. They had come to know Jesus Christ, and I craved that type of relationship with Him. So I decided to serve a mission too. I knew that serving others could get me the spiritual foundation that I needed.
Nine months into my mission, I felt completely broken. I convinced myself that I was utterly alone and unworthy every single day. To make matters worse, I had no idea why I felt so guilty. I was a good missionary and did everything I could to feel the Spirit, but I was unable to feel peace.
I was convinced that the pain I felt was because I was not a good missionary, I didn’t pray hard enough, I didn’t trust God fully, or I didn’t read my scriptures with perfect attention.
I felt hopeless.
My mission leaders and companions would offer their advice that I needed to trust God more. Though they meant well, their comments made me feel more alone, broken, and unfixable.
Finding a Solution for Me
A lot of people suggested that I try medication. But I wasn’t convinced the guilt I felt was a result of a mental health issue.
While trying to make a decision, I stumbled across 1 Nephi 17:14, which says, “After ye have arrived in the promised land, ye shall know that I, the Lord, am God; and that I, the Lord, did deliver you from destruction; yea, that I did bring you out of the land of Jerusalem.”
The anxious feelings didn’t disappear in that moment, but the thought crossed my mind that there would be a day, someday, when I would be in my own promised land, and I would look back and know that God had delivered me.
I decided to try medication.
The first week, I truly felt clouds I didn’t know were there beginning to part. From there it was a domino effect. I spent the final nine months of my mission becoming aware of my perfectionism and learning to cope and even thrive.
It wasn’t until I began to physically heal my mind that I could start healing spiritually. And my relationship with Christ grew when I stumbled upon a devotional by President Steven J. Lund, Young Men General President.
President Lund taught: “As we drive through life’s journey, there will be flashes of light! The Lord promised Isaiah, ‘I will make darkness light before them’ [Isaiah 42:16]. Think about this. Life often presents itself as an incessant gray wall stretching off into nowhere, but here and there, if you watch for them, flickering assurances of God’s love for us will become evident.”
Taking antidepressants did not fix all my problems, but it helped me notice a few things: my family that diligently supported me, my sweet missionary companion who taught me about grace, and the moments when I testified of the Savior and saw tears pool in my friend’s eyes.
As these clouds kept parting, I felt God personally take my hand and teach me grace. And now I know God and Christ in a profound way.
Coming to Know Jesus Christ
My story is unique to me. Mental health, unfortunately, does not have a one-size-fits-all solution. Everyone has different circumstances, but there is one universal truth that applies to every situation: God is intimately aware of your sadness. He knows your sorrow, and He knows your heart.
As I learned more about my perfectionistic tendencies, I learned more about God’s plan for me. I still struggle with anxiety, but now I understand that the purpose of this life is for us to come to know Christ.
The Savior Himself was described as a “man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). I know He understands my challenges and can succor me (see Alma 7:12). I have become grateful for my anxiety because my struggle with mental health has helped me come to know and rely on my Savior.
When I look back on my mission, I still remember those dark months where nothing could penetrate my anxiety. But I know, though you may not feel Him, that Jesus Christ is still there. If you struggle to feel His love, exercise your faith by reaching out to your loved ones or seeking professional help.
The turning point in my story was not serving a mission or taking medication—it was the decision to keep trying every day. God accepted what I could give Him, and with that, He changed my life.
I know He can change yours too.