Digital Only: Latter-day Dads
Understanding Our Children
The author lives in Utah, USA.
I wondered what I could do to be the kind of father my children will want to reach out to when they need help.
Photograph posed by models
It was early evening when our family drove home after a short hike in the beautiful mountains. We had spent the afternoon hiking to a gorgeous waterfall, eating dinner, and hiking back out. As we drove the winding road out of the mountains, one of our young daughters started feeling queasy. We pulled over just a little too late; she vomited all over the car. We helped her out of the car. She hung on to me as she continued to vomit on the ground while I held her hair back to keep it clean.
As I was thinking rather despairingly of the mess in the car, I looked down at my daughter clinging to me. In that moment of distress, she wanted her daddy. And in that moment, my mind turned away from the messy car, and my heart turned toward my child. I just wanted her to be out of pain and feel like it was going to be OK. I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to be a dad. I wanted to always be the person my daughter wanted when she was in distress.
I wondered what I could do to be the kind of father my children will want to reach out to when they need help.
As I considered this question, I found a quote from President Brigham Young (1801–77), who once told parents to “study their [children’s] dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly.”1 In my profession, I conduct research about family life, which, even for very straightforward questions, often takes weeks, months, or even years of careful study. I asked myself, Had I been studying my own children with this much attention?
Our children may have different likes and dislikes that may take us out of our comfort zone in order for us to show them we love and appreciate them for who they are. Perhaps our children read books we have no interest in. Maybe they love to act, but we have a hard time sitting through plays. Perhaps they like sports we don’t have much interest in. Are we giving them gifts that we like rather than putting time and effort into learning what they will appreciate?
Much of the time when I think on it, I realize I can do better. There are times when my children want to tell me about things I may have little interest in and I “check out,” nodding occasionally as they tell me something without me really, really listening. I’m still learning to understand my children and meet their needs, and sometimes I get it wrong. But as we move forward in these relationships, the Lord will often prompt us with the insights we need.
One of my sons had a difficult time when he was young. He was regularly teased and seemed to feel defeated much of the time. As parents, we also often corrected him. His emotions were regularly close to the surface, and we weren’t able to talk through things with him. As my wife and I made an effort to understand him, we felt like he needed to feel the Spirit more in his life and he needed to know his parents really did care.
I asked him if we could spend time together each night reading from the Book of Mormon. We didn’t focus on how long we read or how much; instead, we simply found something meaningful we could talk about. The goal was not to read the Book of Mormon but rather to help my son feel the love of his heavenly and earthly parents. While not a cure-all, the effort to give him what he needed helped us both. We both felt much brighter and closer to each other and to God. My son started asking questions as we read, and I began to understand him even better.
It’s not easy being a good dad, but I knew that seeking to better understand my children was something that would help. As I have tried to build relationships of love and care, my children have been more willing to come to me with their difficulties, giving me the opportunity to help guide them when they need it most.