My Mental Illnesses Had Me Questioning My Spirituality—Conference Gave Me the Answer
I couldn’t feel peace about myself or my future, but general conference helped me realize that things are better than they seem.
I didn’t know what questions to ask God when general conference came. 2022 was a difficult year for me. I was a suicide-attempt survivor, and my mental illnesses that took me down this dark path in my mind seemed to control my life. A lot of medications and doctor visits helped me, but spiritually I didn’t know where I was.
Was I feeling the Spirit?
Was I actually a good person?
What did the future hold?
Before conference, the Church’s social media accounts posted three questions to take to general conference: “Why am I here? Where is the light? What’s next?”1
When I read those, I felt I was reading about myself. My struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) makes me doubt everything I’ve ever done; it also makes me worry about my past and my future. So I decided that I would take these questions into general conference, hoping I could find some answers.
Why Am I Here?
I wondered why I have this challenge of mental health in my life. I wanted my pain to end.
These thoughts were on my mind during conference, when Sister Michelle D. Craig, First Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency, said: “When hard times come, I try to remember that I chose to follow Christ before I came to earth and that challenges to my faith, my health, and my endurance are all part of the reason I’m here. … Trials do not mean that the plan is failing; they are part of the plan meant to help me seek God.”2
I knew that returning to Heavenly Father would be worth much more than any pain I could ever go through.
Where Is the Light?
Mental illnesses have been known to numb sensitivity to the Spirit,3 so there are times when I’ve doubted if I actually feel Him or am hearing His promptings and answers.
But several teachings from general conference reaffirmed the quiet feelings I have felt this year and helped me believe that He is with me. President Dallin H. Oaks, First Counselor in the First Presidency, enlightened me with his remarks: “The Book of Mormon teaches that ‘every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God’ [Moroni 7:13].”4
Likewise, Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles reassured me that I should “recognize what God has already revealed to [me] personally …
“… [and] trust the answer God has already given.”5
Elder Kevin W. Pearson of the Seventy also reassured me that “the Holy Ghost gives us the capacity to see ‘things as they really are, and … as they really will be’ [Jacob 4:13].”6 I’ve realized that there have been times in the past when I could see things clearly and that was because the Holy Ghost was able to enlighten my mind and pierce through the darkness that clouded my thoughts.
What’s Next?
It’s hard for me to see a bright future sometimes—I want to know what will happen, and I don’t want to feel any sense of uncertainty, even though it’s my OCD talking. I sometimes even doubt whether I will receive the blessings promised to me in my patriarchal blessing.
But Sister Craig shared another thought that I felt was directed right at me: “Sometimes, it helps to know what to expect,” but I also need to “dig deep to find the strength to keep pulling when [I’m] called to walk through the wilderness.”7
Even when I am surrounded by wilderness, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles promised me that “blessings come soon and sometimes they come later, but … the promise from the Master Himself [is] that they come.”8
This conference gave me the motivation I needed to keep moving forward. I received answers about the uncertainty I have faced with my mental illnesses, and the counsel brought me peace and comfort.
If you need answers, I promise you that general conference is a way our Heavenly Father communicates with us. He will tell you what He thinks of you: that He loves you, that He knows you, that He has a great future for you—just like what He told me.