How Can I Forgive When It’s So Hard?

By Sierra Shirk

Forgiving someone can be hard sometimes. But the Lord makes hard things possible.

We’re often taught in the gospel that forgiveness is essential for peace, happiness, healing, and repentance. I have come to know how true those teachings are, though forgiveness has actually been super hard for me and is something that hasn’t come naturally.

Throughout my life, after being hurt or offended, I’ve found myself thinking, “Yeah, of course I’ve forgiven that person,” only to have feelings of anger, sorrow, or hurt return at the first reminder of how they hurt me.

Maybe you can relate.

So how do we learn to “forgive all men” (Doctrine and Covenants 64:10), as the Savior said is required of us? To be honest, I don’t really know completely. It’s something the Lord is still helping me figure out, but I’ve learned a few things in the process.

Christ Suffered All Types of Pain

First, I’ve realized that the power of Jesus Christ and the blessings of His Atonement are incredibly important, incredibly powerful, and incredibly comprehensive. His power is indeed infinite.

We know that through the Atonement, He suffered for our sins that we might repent. We also know that He took upon Himself our pains and afflictions, “that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (see Alma 7:11–14). That means Christ is able to empathize with me and understand all the pains I have experienced, from a broken arm to a broken heart.

And even though He knows my sins and weaknesses, He’s still willing to forgive me when I mess up. He was willing to sacrifice Himself for me.

It took me a long time, but I decided that if I believed that His Atonement applied to me personally, if I believed that I could be forgiven, then I also needed to believe that all the people who have hurt me and the people I love can be forgiven too. Because His sacrifice was for everyone.

Forgiveness Is a Process

Elder Richard G. Scott (1928–2015) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught about the healing that forgiveness brings: “When you can forgive the offense, you will be relieved of … pain and heartache.” And he assured us that if we can forgive, we can “enjoy greater peace” in our lives.¹

But forgiveness can be hard. There have been times in my life when the thought of forgiving someone has seemed impossible to even consider. In these instances, I’ve taken comfort in Elder Scott’s words: “As impossible as it may seem to you now, in time the healing you can receive from the Savior will allow you to truly forgive [your offender]. … If the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior’s healing power in your own life.”²

I’ve done that. I’ve had to allow myself to take a step back, focus on my relationship with the Lord, and eventually rely on the love and healing I’ve received to readdress forgiveness I wasn’t ready to figure out before. I know from personal experience that the Lord understands our hearts and minds and is with us while we take the time we need to heal.

Forgiveness Helps Us Heal

My testimony of the healing power of forgiveness is continually growing. I have learned to believe Elder Scott’s assurance that “forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds”³ by allowing the Lord to fill us with love and help us let go of hate, no matter what we’ve done or what has happened to us.

I believe that Heavenly Father understands that sometimes it takes time for us to be ready to do hard things. And I believe that when we’re ready, He is ready to help us do something as hard as forgive.