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“5: Learn,” Finding Strength in the Lord: Emotional Resilience (2020)

“5: Learn,” Finding Strength in the Lord: Emotional Resilience

Learn—Maximum Time: 60 Minutes

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Depression affects all our lives in one way or another. Today’s discussion may be difficult for you or others to think about and discuss. We encourage everyone to be compassionate when reviewing this chapter. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to ask for a break.

1. The Difference between Sadness and Depression

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Sadness and depression are described as feelings of sorrow, unhappiness, and grief, and they are a normal part of our experience here on earth. Sadness and depression can come through difficulties resulting from rejection, interpersonal relationships, disappointments, and other pains. They are difficult, yet essential, elements in our growth. Elder Bruce C. Hafen taught that Heavenly Father meant for us to have painful experiences in our lives so we could ultimately experience joy more fully (see “A Willingness to Learn from Pain,” Ensign, Oct. 1983, 64, 66).

Major depressive disorder, or severe depression, is different. It is an emotional state or condition that affects our thinking, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland discussed the difference between normal sadness and depression and major depressive disorder: “When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion. … I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully” (“Like a Broken Vessel,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2013, 40).

Major depressive disorder can occur without a clear explanation for its cause, or it can result from unhealthy reactions to painful events. When we experience severe depression, we often feel numb or deadened to our emotions. We may have feelings of shame, self-blame, or self-hatred, all of which are likely to interfere with how we function every day. Severe depression also interferes with our ability to deal positively with challenges as they arise.

Additionally, as we read in our last meeting, sadness and depression can impact our ability to feel or understand the promptings of the Spirit. (See Reyna I. Aburto, “Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide with Me!” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2019, 57–60).

Discuss:

How are sadness and depression different?

Watch:

“Like a Broken Vessel, Part 1,” available at https://churchofjesuschrist.org/study/video/self-reliance-videos [1:38].

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2. Factors That Can Lead to Emotional Challenges

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Being aware of why we have these feelings can help us be more compassionate to ourselves and others. Feelings such as sadness or depression can be caused by several things, including many of the factors below:

Factors That Can Lead to Emotional Challenges

Biological—Physical factors with our body

  • Genetics

  • Serious illness/injury

  • Diet and lack of physical activity

  • Misuse of illegal drugs or medication

  • Seasonal weather

  • Chemical or hormonal changes

Psychological—Emotional events

  • Major events and life transitions

  • Death or loss

  • Abuse

Psychological—Social interactions with others, creating strong emotions

  • Conflict

  • Loneliness and isolation

  • Social pressures

  • Betrayal or broken trust

Spiritual—Difficult events that test our faith

  • Consequences of choices

  • Living in a troubled world

Discuss:

How can knowing where difficult feelings come from help us be more compassionate to ourselves and others?

3. Symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder

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The following symptoms may be signs of major depressive disorder, or clinical depression. Most people will experience these symptoms at times throughout their lives, but if you experience multiple symptoms for a long time, it may mean that you are experiencing deeper issues. If three or more of these symptoms continue over a period of time, limit your ability to function, or are difficult to escape despite personal and family efforts, you should seek professional help.

Symptoms of Depression

  • Constantly feeling sad, helpless, hopeless, or worthless

  • Little energy and motivation

  • Change in appetite and weight loss or gain

  • Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up

  • Loss of interest in activities that used to be enjoyable

  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions

  • Thoughts about death and suicide*

Discuss:

How can being aware of the symptoms of depression help us as we become more emotionally resilient? How can it help us support others?

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*If you or others have thoughts of death or suicide, seek professional help immediately by going to the nearest hospital emergency room and reaching out to family, a friend, or a bishop or other Church leader. Suicidal thoughts should always be taken seriously.

See suicide.ChurchofJesusChrist.org or mentalhealth.ChurchofJesusChrist.org for help lines and resources.

Anyone in North America can call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.

4. Ways to Get Help

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Sister Reyna I. Aburto taught: “Like any part of the body, the brain is subject to illnesses, trauma, and chemical imbalances. When our minds are suffering, it is appropriate to seek help from God, from those around us, and from medical and mental health professionals. …

“It is normal to feel sad or worried once in a while. Sadness and anxiety are natural human emotions. However, if we are constantly sad and if our pain blocks our ability to feel the love of our Heavenly Father and His Son and the influence of the Holy Ghost, then we may be suffering from depression, anxiety, or another emotional condition” (“Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide with Me!” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2019, 57).

5. Grief

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Almost everyone will experience grief at some point in their lifetime, whether due to the death of a loved one or another loss or big life change such as losing a job or a relationship. Because of the gospel, our covenants, and the knowledge that we will see our loved ones again, we may feel that we shouldn’t struggle with grief. However, this is not the case. Even the Savior wept when Lazarus died, because He loved him (see John 11:35–36). President Russell M. Nelson taught: “Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: ‘Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die’ [Doctrine and Covenants 42:45]” (“Doors of Death,” Ensign, May 1992, 20).

Everyone will grieve differently and on a different timetable. While grieving, most people experience the emotions listed below, although there is no specific order or time frame in which to experience them.

  • Denial: We can’t believe that this has happened. We might find ourselves in shock or pretend or forget this is happening for a time.

  • Anger: We may feel angry with ourselves, our loved ones, and even God. Anger is an expression of the value we place on what we have lost.

  • Bargaining: We may think we are in a bad dream and try to bargain with God to reverse things. We may ask “what if” questions, such as “What if I go to the temple every week?” in order to get a specific outcome.

  • Sadness: We experience profound sadness over our loss. This sadness can be powerful and overwhelming, but it is not necessarily clinical depression. It is a normal part of the grieving process.

  • Acceptance: Acceptance is accepting that the loss has happened. It does not mean that we are happy about the loss or that we are betraying the memory of what we have lost. We simply accept the reality of the loss so we can start to move on.

Discuss:

How can understanding the common emotions of grief help us?

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Everyone grieves differently. Some may have trouble sleeping and eating. Others may want to be with people, while others may want to be alone. Some may feel intense emotions, and others may not. Some may grieve quickly, and others may take a long time. There is no correct way to grieve.

The following suggestions may help you better understand and cope with grieving or allow you to help others who are grieving:

  • Give yourself permission to feel, cry, and experience whatever you may or may not be feeling as part of the process.

  • Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, and try to exercise.

  • Identify the feelings you are having, and acknowledge that they are normal and healthy.

  • Set realistic expectations about how much time you may need, and take one step at a time.

  • Recognize that feelings of happiness, joy, and peace are not disloyal to the memory of what you have lost.

  • Express your thoughts and feelings by writing about your loss as well as your hope for the future.

  • If these feelings become overwhelming, consider seeking help from a professional.

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You do not have to grieve alone and can turn to others in your time of need. You can find support from family, friends, Church leaders, and, most importantly, the Savior.

Sister Sharon Eubank taught about how the Savior can help us: “When tragedies overtake us, when life hurts so much we can’t breathe, when we’ve taken a beating like the man on the road to Jericho and been left for dead, Jesus comes along and pours oil into our wounds, lifts us tenderly up, takes us to an inn, looks after us [see Luke 10:30–35]. To those of us in grief, He says, ‘I will … ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, … that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions’ [Mosiah 24:14]. Christ heals wounds” (“Christ: The Light That Shines in Darkness,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2019, 74).

As we experience grief, it can feel unbearable, and we may feel a desire to isolate ourselves from other people. However, remember that we can find support through others.

Watch:

“Christ’s Atoning Love Heals Grieving Hearts,” available at https://churchofjesuschrist.org/study/video/self-reliance-videos [3:22].

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Discuss:

What can we learn from the story in the video about working through grief?

6. Ways to Offer Help

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You may know someone who has lost a loved one, is going through a hard time, or has been diagnosed with depression or another illness. It can be hard to know what to say or do around them. You might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable showing emotion or being near someone who is showing emotions. In the left column below are some examples of less helpful phrases you may have heard people use when trying to help someone who is grieving. In the right column are helpful phrases you could use instead.

Less Helpful

More Helpful

Less Helpful

  • “I know exactly how you feel.”

    • Even if we have been through something very similar, it is always better to ask questions and listen to how the person feels.

  • “Just have faith; everything will work out.”

    • Of course we should have faith, but that doesn’t change whether something is painful or not. It’s important to be present with the person.

  • “At least you …”

    • When we start sentences with “at least,” we minimize what the person has been through.

  • “God has a plan.”

    • This can sound like we are trying to quickly solve the problem instead of really listening and loving.

  • “They’re in a better place.”

    • Saying this doesn’t make the person miss his or her loved one any less.

More Helpful

  • “I don’t know what to say right now, but I’m so glad you told me.”

  • “Tell me about what you’re feeling right now.”

  • “I care about you.”

  • “I’m here for you.”

  • “It’s OK to feel this way.”

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Each person is unique and will have different needs. Even if you say all the right things, the other person may still feel upset. Being hurt and upset is a natural part of being sad or depressed. Your most important job is to show up, listen, and offer love and kindness.

Tip:

Review the “Resources” section at the end of this chapter for a list of resources for dealing with various challenges in life.

Discuss:

How might you help someone who is struggling emotionally?